RIDICULOUS REVISITED

I finished all my daily radiation treatments (33 of them) on October 2, 2009.  Still recuperating... but all is well.  Compared to others, I sailed thru it.   Well now ... isn't that refreshing to hear?  I must be growing up.  :)

This Saturday (Nov 14) Bill, Andrew and I leave for Cancer Treatment Ctrs of America in Chicago for at least 5 days.  Andrew's never been a part of this journey to Chicago and we wanted him to share it with us.  I"ll be getting my port surgerically removed on Tuesday the 17th.  Then I"ll see the oncologist, etc., etc., etc.

We're going to see some of Chicago on the weekend before our hospital visit.  Fun in Chicago .... imagine that ... I never thought I'd see the day ....

I thought all my ridiculous God stories with doctors were over ... but they're not.  Guess what happened yesterday ...

I went to the chiropractor.  He's kinda of new to me.  He was pressing on a pressure point to relieve some stupid pain in my arm.  As he was standing there I asked him ... "So is this about nerves or muscles?"  Do you know what he said?  "IT'S ABOUT GOD".  What the ..... ?  So I said "God.... ummm ... Father, Son, Holy Spirit?"  He said "YES."   I said "IS JESUS GOD?"  He said 'YES'.  That was about the end of that.  It seemed like that's all I needed to say.  Afterward I talked with the office manager, and she confirmed that the chiropractor is definitely a follower of Christ.  A Christian.  Very cool.

New topic:

I told the Lord when I was first diagnosed, that if I got through this that I would sing.  I've been wracked with fear over singing publicly for years.  So wouldn't you know it, someone I don't even know actually asked me to sing at a pretty large event during the Christmas season!  I had a knee-jerk reaction ... but I'm gonna do it.  I'll be with a few other women so it won't seem AS vulnerable.  I'm looking for strength and freedom from God.  I want to soar.   Fly free!  Sing free!  I mean ... I leaned into God during this whole cancer journey.  I cried in His direction.  I didn't run from Him.  I ran to Him.  And I still believe.  So I will sing. 

Now to end with the ridiculous.  Bill had a biopsy on his thyroid last week, and it has suscipious atypical cells.  They are assuming cancer and want to remove his thyroid.  They also said he has Hashimoto's Disease, which is an auto-immune response against the thyroid.  So ... hopefully while we're in Chicago at CTCA, he will be able to get a second opinion there.  I find this all ridiculous.  And we are rather shaken by it.  But we are still in 'warrior' mode.  And we have found that even though horrible things happen in this life ... God is near.  No promises for an easy life.  But He promises  His nearness ... and His love.  It's hard to explain.  I hope you don't think I'm making it up.  I have a whole new take on what it means to walk thru this life with Jesus Christ.  He hasn't promised me an easy life ... just an eternal one.  He is worth following.  His rewards are very rich. 

I have loved you for reading my blogs.  I'll write at least one more after I return from Chicago. 

"You are loved with an Everlasting Love.  And beneath you are His everlasting Arms"

Yours .... Diane

IT'S BEEN A WHILE

Facebook has really usurped my blogging.  I love facebook and feel like I can communicate to lots of people.  It's been a huge prayer support for me.  But I'll get back to this blog soon.  I'd like to turn this blog into a memory book.  How could I print it out?  Anybody know?

Okay ... I can stop gaining weight now .... ahhhhhh!

I'M BETTER!!!

I've just finished 5 weeks (23 days) of radiation.  The fatigue didn't stick!  I'm doing very well!  .... Always fighting skin burns, but the dr. continues to use the word 'phenomenal' in terms of my skin.  And I'm very thankful to The Lord for my energy, and the lack of real skin problems during radiation.

"Lord ... I acknowledge You as the Giver of All Good Things.  So, Thank you for these really good things in my life."

P.S.  10 more days (2 weeks) of radiation!
P.P.S.  It actually feels s-t-r-a-n-g-e to not complain, or express fear here on this blog site .... but I'll take it!  Yahoo!

PRAY FOR ME?

Yah .. so no one ever complains about radiation.   But I am.  The radiation is making it hard for me to function (fatigue, sore). I so need prayer. Bill read this prayer to me this morning from our favorite book by Beth Moore (called "Praying God's Word"):

Father God, I ask You to lead me when I'm blinded by ways I have not known, along unfamiliar paths please guide me; Lord, turn the darkness into light before me and make the rough places smooth. I pray these are the things You will do; I know You will not forsake me.   (Isaiah 42:16)

When I'm sick I feel forsaken and scared ... but The Word of God tells me that that's a lie I shouldn't believe. Amen.

TODAY I WENT TO CHURCH WITHOUT A SCARF OR WIG!!!!!

I'm very brave and courageous!    It's been 11 weeks since my last chemo. I actually am starting to think that I look better like this than with hair! I'm sure others would differ.   Except my husband of course ... he thinks I'm THE most gorgeous bald woman ever!

Every morning I wake up and greet myself in the mirror "Good Morning, Uncle Fester!"

"A joyful heart is good medicine" .... (someplace in the Bible)

RADIATION FATIGUE!

So last week I wrote how full of energy I was. HAH! Fatigue and disturbing sore-ness have hit with a vengence!!!!! I'm exhausted when I'm lying down!!! Oh my goodness!!!! 15 days of radiation left!!!!

"Help me not to be afraid.  Help me to stand firm.  You, Lord, will fight for me.  Help me only to be still."    Exodus 14:13

I HAVE AN EXEMPLARY 14-YEAR OLD SON

That's all I wanted to say.

PHENOMENAL TWICE

A quick note to say that I'm half-way thru the daily (yes, daily) 33 radiation treatments. Today the nurse used the word 'phenomenal' twice while evaluating my skin. The doctor and nurse want me to bring in the lotion that I've been using (the CTCA naturopath recommended organic coconut oil). And the radiation oncologist said I may be doing so well (skin and lots of energy) because of the supplements I'm taking (all from CTCA). Well, that was encouraging. Who wants to spend gobs of money on supplements that do nothing! And I always wonder if I'm wasting money!

My Petri dish wants the extra location-specific treatments (they call it cone-down) ... thanks for praying. :(  I DO BELIEVE God is in control. I'm on the cusp of whether or not it will be beneficial. I guess it's my age. 50 and up ... the studies say it may not benefit. Below 50 ... the studies say it is a benefit. I'm just over 50. Well. We had a good talk with the doctor at the local hospital here in Cleveland (whom we came to mistrust). We confronted him with some of our concerns in terms of his medical integrity. It all worked out well ... with lots of love, peace and harmony (I grew up in the Hippy era) ... hahaha. I'll be done with radiation at the beginning of October.

Every day I get on that radiation table and keep repeating "I will trust in The Lord". It helps. It's a matter of the will, I guess. My Petri dish loves you.

PETRI DISH

PETRI DISH: A Petri dish is a shallow glass or plastic cylindrical lidded dish that biologists use to culture cells.

So ... my mom tells me this story about how there was a science experiment done with two petri dishes of human cells. They weren't necessarily sick cells ... just cells. They had people praying for a long time for the one petri dish, but not the other. (I know ... it's weird .. but stick with me). The dish that was being prayed for ended up with stronger and healthier cells. The other one ended up with weaker and not as healthy cells. I wonder who conducted that study? Anyhow ... I am renewed thinking about it. And so it's prompted me to ask for prayer.

Get a load of this: I've almost finished 2 weeks of daily radiation (9 days worth). I met with my local radiation oncologist today (who gives me the willies ... have a hard time communicating with him). My mom says he's "Best Cuts" ... don't make me explain my mother's humor. Anyhow ... I've digressed. I reminded him that he was going to retrieve my MRI films from Chicago (Cancer Treatment Ctrs of America). He said that he needed to see them to see if my treatment will be altered at all. So when I brought it up this week, I got kind of scared at his response. He said "Well, I'll have to call in the experts (at this point I'm thinking ... aren't YOU the expert?). I also immediately start thinking ... "Oh no!!! CTCA lied to make themselves looks good!!! They didn't get all the cancer!!....

BUT NO!!!! The Dr. said "You may not need the last heavier dose of radiation ... the extra week we tagged on may be unnecessary."

Now ladies and gentlemen ... this is really encouraging!!!! Right now I could just hug CTCA .... the whole building!!! So could you consider me the petri dish that was prayed for? Could you pray for me? My cells would appreciate it. Not to mention ... my whole little self (that is slowly growing from having a consistent appetite again!).

I have wrestled with God and myself over this radiation process. I really have wrestled to get free from fear.   I have had to do it before each and every treatment/procedure/chemo. So why would this be any different? But I am finally at a place where I lay on that table and put it in God's hands. But I must not be totally successful at it ... because I can't quite breathe during the 2 minutes or so that the beam is on me! I don't THINK I'm anxious ... but then when they leave the room and turn the machine on ... I feel like I can't catch my breath!!!! Ahhhhhh! I feel like running out of the room screaming. But it only lasts a few minutes. I enter smiling and joking and I leave smiling and joking. Nobody but God sees my inner turmoil in those few minutes.

My fear does not diminish His power. He is Father, Son, Holy Spirit. Just like you learned as a kid ... nothing strange .. just powerful ... and willing to meet me where I'm at. He let's me go thru my antics ... and then I reach a point where I can rest ... not because things will be okay on this planet ... but because He has promised never to leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13). And ... this life is not all there is. So either way ... I win. I'm just honest enough to admit that the ride is terrifying at times. Well ... I'll let you know how my Petri dish does next week. Cancer has made me say something I used to never say to anyone but my husband and son ....

I LOVE YOU.

P.S. It's been 9 weeks since my last chemo... and just today I think I can say that my hair is starting to grow back. Wahoo!

RADIATION

Question: Does radiation hurt? Answer: At the time they give it to you ... not at all!

Question: How long does it take each time? Answer: The beam hits in two different spots ... about 1 minute each. I'm on the 'table' about 5-10 minutes as they set me and the machine up. It moves like a robot around me to the different areas.

Question: Where do you go for radiation treatments ... Chicago? Answer: No ... I've chosen to stay in Cleveland & get my treatments thru Fairview Hospital

Question: Do you go daily? Answer: Yes ... daily for 33 treatments (no weekends). I'll be done by the first week in October (maybe the last week in September)

Question: Do you mind it? Answer: Stupid question ....

It seems like the struggle is getting my faith to meet my life. I continue to battle the dreaded foe ... the worst foe ... FEAR.   YET Fear and Courage are walking side by side.    But a little less fear would be terrific. God knows how I am made. And I am "fearfully and wonderfully made". Oh yah.

So I've got 4 radiation treatments under my belt ... 29 to go. I'm sore. Trying not to 'expect' the nasty early side effects. 'Trying' is a big word for Diane.

Right now I wonder if my hair will EVER grow back???? Why is it that only the greys have held on for dear life???? I have to keep shaving my head. It's just not normal to shave your head!!! At least not if you're a woman! I miss my eyebrows and lashes. When I get up in the morning and look in the mirror ... I feel like Uncle Festor. Is that his name? The guy with the light bulb in his mouth from 'The Adams Family' tv show from the 70's. Hahaha ... it's true! It's pretty easy to get ready in the morning though. No blow dryer, razor, etc.

I feel like when I introduce myself, I should shake the person's hand and say "Hello ... I've got cancer". I feel like I don't even have a name anymore. I've lost my identity to this crazy disease and it's treatments. One day it'll all be better. But for today ... it's my reality.

Question: What side effects can you get from radiation? Answer: Early effects are Fatigue, Nauseousness, Skin burns, No appetite. Late effects? Check out the poll for one. But maybe I won't get ANY!!!!! In the words of my young sojourner, Andrea ... "I am way tooo cool to get a secondary cancer!!"

Truthfully ... it'll be better than chemotherapy. Yup. But I don't have to like it, do I???? Jesus has said ... "In this world you will have many trials ... but take heart ... I have overcome the world". Okay.

Our family did something fun (imagine that!). Bill and I were counselors at Barbershop 'Harmony Camp' where Andrew (14) was a 'camper'. It was at THE Ohio State University. It was a major blast and after 5 full days with over 300 high school students ... we slept in til 5pm the day after we got back!!!! It was worth every minute of it!

If you are at all interested in driving with me to/from radiation one day a week ... I'm taking applications for Wednesdays. It's a little over one hour from door to door. My door in Brooklyn, that is. On the road by 1pm ... radiation at 1:30 ... home a little after 2pm. Okay. I've got a mix of the good, the bad, and the faithful ... so I guess that's all for now.

MY ALTER-EGO

I decided to let my alter-ego write this particular blog entry. It needs to handle this whole thing like I should be handling it. You know ... well-balanced and less emotional. So here's what my alter-ego has to say ...

Hi. Diane's alter-ego here. I just wanted to tell you that I'm just going to face the next leg of this journey rather stoic-ly. I will do what I need to do. I will take the radiation therapy believing that all will be well. I probably won't have side effects, and if I do, it won't be bad, and if it is, then I'll get through it. It will pass,
and I won't be harmed. I trust my new radiation oncologist with my health. He's a smart guy. And why would I be the 1, 2, or 3 out of a hundred to get a secondary cancer from the radiation? I'm not going to waste my time by living in the future. Living in the future steals the joy from my today. So, I guess that's it. I'm bringing every thought captive, and refusing to let my mind take me places it shouldn't go. That would do no good. I'm in a good spot, and look forward to the day when this is over and I'm cancer free. And I know this won't come back. It was a challenging and character-building experience for which I am grateful.

Diane here again ... thank you for that interesting blog, alter-ego. I hope I can learn some things from you. Good nite.

CLOSER THAN BREATHING

I always need to remind myself why I write in this blog. It's not a medical update ... no .... it's not for the general public .... no ... it's not totally for prayer ..... it's not to pollute the air with my fear and thus embarrass myself ... no ... I think it's a creative outlet for ME. It's a gift ... to myself. I think it's my way of expressing my deep beliefs in spite of chronic panic.

Last night I joined a somewhat large gathering of women (I snuck in late and left early) in worship at Grace Church. Words on the screen. Female worship band. Scripture. Prayer. Mostly singing. It was an interesting and revealing experience. It has to do with being in what I call "The Pool of Suffering". I think others in this 'pool' may relate to it. As I listened to the music and watched the words I thought:

"I do not have to strive for God right now. I haven't had to in
months. In my pain ... He has been there. He's cotton-pickin' right
there. He's just closer than breathing. On the outside ... I'm
consistently surrounded by terrifying procedures, illness, depression,
isolation, dangerous chemicals, etc ... but somehow I haven't had to search for
Him. I'm not wondering where He is. He's right with me.

It's an odd experience. And throughout this trial I have worshipped Him thru a veil of tears. It's so real. So honest. And it hit me again last night. What a precious place I'm in. What a privileged place. Not a happy place at all ... but maybe one day I'll look back and be jealous for this place again. To be so desperate in my physical body and my emotions ... yet so close to the Lord. To worship WHILE suffering. It's quite a concept. It feels quite 'true'.

"He has promised never to leave me nor forsake me" ... so
simple. so profound. so true.

Switching gears: So ... now for the medical stuff. It's been 4 weeks since my FINAL chemo. I'm bald AGAIN. That was difficult. My last chemo was nasty. I'm still fighting effects, but am functioning quite well! I've met with a radiation oncologist here at Fairview Hospital and will begin DAILY radiation treatments in Cleveland on August 17 for 6 weeks. I know you'll be surprized that I was questioning my need for radiation. hahahaha. And I again told the Lord that I will most definitely follow His lead.... not the doctors. Where He leads I will follow. Beats me why He wants me to go down this incredibly toxic path. But once again we felt that God provided the needed peace when the preliminary nurse casully said

"Dr. Hercsbergs is way more interested in supplements and vitamins than any
other radiation oncologist on staff here".

I didn't really know anything about this doctor ... YET GOD ... put our hearts at ease with that statement. D a r n! I'm so tired about having peace to get thru a dangerous treatment plan!!! This would not be MY plan at all!! But I am not my own.

I was really hoping that something RIDICULOUS would transpire and that I would be spared from this rotten radiation. But it appears that that's not going to happen. But I'm ALWAYS looking for signs of the Almighty. I can't seem to leave the 'hope' and 'ridiculousness' behind. I think it's kinda cool ...

I feel a need to tell you that I asked the doctor about the 'secondary cancers' I can get from radiation. He said:

"Ah yes ... secondary cancers ... we'll yours would be lung cancer" .... I said
"I don't want lung cancer, doctor". And he put his head down and said
"neither do I". How can he sleep at night?

And I also found out that this treatment is not 'personalized' in any way ... it is not based on ME. It's all protocol. I may even be cancer-free. But they do no testing before or after radiation. I am just on a people-mover called "protocol". I hate that word. Stupid word.

So there you have it ... MY PRAYER REQUEST TO JESUS, MY CHRIST .... please join me in praying that He would protect me from harm. Late side effect: cancer .... Immediate side effect: nasty skin burning on the area that is being radiated and fatigue. Protection. Protection. Protection.

I always think I'm going to make this short and sweet (or unsweet) ... but it rarely works that way. So sorry. But I do need to remember that this blog is a gift to myself. And I can't tell you how blest I am that you are reading it. I hope you are blest in a real strange way. Strange because of the suffering (and complaining) combined with strength ... and growth ... and tranformation. May I not come out of this the same person I was when I came into it!!!!!!!

Is God using some pain in YOUR life to tranform YOU?

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Forever His Daughter,

Diane

I'VE HAD IT !!!!!

I've had my fill of losing hair, growing hair, and losing it again. Of sickness. Of pain. Of fear. Have I missed anything? I am definitely NOT a person of whom my husband will say "Through all her pain, I never heard my dear wife complain". I wish ........

FORGING AHEAD

I spent the last 2 weeks communicating with my oncologist. Unless God moves his jaw ... I'm forging ahead toward THE LAST .... THE FINAL CHEMO!!!!!!!!! Don't congratulate me yet!!!! I have a big mountain to climb to get over the effects of this LAST CHEMO!!!!!! Did I tell you this was my LAST CHEMO????!!!!!

Fly to Chicago Thursday night (June 25)
Appointments all Day Friday (June 26) ... Chemo 1:00 - 5:00
Fly Home Friday night (I'm outta there!!!!)

I usually feel absolutely fine the day of chemo and the day after. So if I'm gonna feel good ... I want to be home!!!!!!! So I'll get out of that chair and head to the airport!

I'm signed up for acupuncture before chemo this time. Hmmmmm .... anything to try to make it better! Interesting huh? This is a very cool hospital.

Anyhow ... remember how I prayed at the beginning of this that God would not let my insides be singed (isn't it spelled cinged?) by the fire of the chemo? That my organs would be protected? You remember ... like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in the Old Testament ... they did not get burned by the firey furnace. Well, I'm praying that again. "Lord, protect my body in an uncanny way"

I'm actually not yet recuperated from the last chemo (3 weeks ago). The stupid candida is a huge problem. So ..... if you pray, I'm asking for prayer for physical protection (Shadrach :) ... and as we all know ... my companion, fear. I'd like to lose that guy forever! What I'm looking for is spiritual victory. To me that means ... being able to keep my focus on the goodness of God (instead of shaking my fist) ... and being Thankful (I bet YOU wish I was thankful, too) ... and letting Him fill me with hope even as I suffer in my body (but wouldn't it be nice if my chemo experience wasn't so bad this time?) I try so hard to take care of my body ... and then WHAM! they go and just about kill my immune system every time!!!!!! Ahhhhhh!

I want to be good little girl-soldier for Christ. I don't want to waste my sufferings. I want to grow!!!!! I want to rest in Him. Worship Him. Well, I think that just about covers it. Let's see what the future holds. He cares for YOU ... and He cares for me. And hope is always appropriate. :)

COURAGE is ... endurance for one moment more

I'm very courageous! Are you?

DARK NIGHT

I had a rotten experience with the most recent chemo (june 3). I found it devastating physically, emotionally and spiritually. It was a dark experience ... marked with despair, lonliness, fear and isolation ... as well as physical pain and exhaustion. I sent a note on June 15 to my oncologist asking if he could possibly "release me from the last chemo treatment on June 25 in good conscience". I cannot imagine even one more treatment. It might seem so easy to say "it's your last one ... you can do it!" .... but you just don't understand. I have cried my way thru this last treatment. Anyhow, I am praying for Dr. Dennis Citrin. He is a traditional Jewish man who does not respect Christians because they rely on prayer. Lord ... speak thru Dr. Citrin. .... I guess I just continue to pray beyond the normal boundaries. Funny that I haven't given up.

MORE CHEMO ... MORE OF GOD!!!!

hi my dear friends:

sooooooooo .... we flew to chicago (cancer treatment ctrs of america) and met with the oncologist (the big guy). he said my glasses were the color of bile. what's with this guy?????? he thought it was hysterical. was this oncologist humor of some type?? but anyhow ... he gets giddy like a little girl when he talks about my progress. a while back he said "you are the classic success case of having had the chemo before surgery to shrink the tumor". this time he looked at me and said "if you continue with this treatment plan, i'm not talking about a remission for you ... i'm talking 'cure'. hmmmm. big words from a man who's worked with thousands of breast cancer patients. but out of the same mouth came .... "you will need two more rounds of chemo". i nearly knocked him down. i had to restrain myself. but since i had taken an ativan (you know, a pill to calm my nerves) i was able to act very civilized. bill was quite impressed.

well, anyhow ...needless to say, we didn't fly home that night .... but instead i sat in that dreaded chemo infusion chair for 4 hours from 6pm-10pm that night. i was the last one there!!!!!

so much prayer had gone into this. and The Lord has brought me so far in this journey in terms of faith (faith in Him, not faith in my being able to get out of chemo). i had wrestled with God over this for nearly a month. by the time i got to chicago i just had to rest in Him, and take it like a big girl.

in 3 weeks we will return for my last chemo treatment. then 4 weeks after that ... MY PORT COMES OUT!!!!! get that thing out of me!!!!

after that (probably early august) i will start daily radiation treatments for like 5 weeks (here in cleveland somewhere).

all of this cancer treatment just plain stinks. it's crazy. the whole thing is nuts. this pain is intense and is lasting wayyyyy tooo long. i go from one trauma to the next. one pain to the next. BUT HE has made it real in my heart that He will "never leave me nor forsake me". i would rather do this all natural... all alternative. but He is clearly guiding me down this toxic path. go figure. if He's willing to lead me ... then i'm willing to follow. and lead He has! He's a mystery ... that's for sure.

hey! i didn't need an ativan for either flight!!!! "if we crash He will be with me ... He promised" .... "i refuse to strive for His peace ... I will just rest and let Him find me ... I cannot go looking for Him" those were my thoughts. it was awesome!!!! just ask bill, if you don't believe me.

okay ... so that's that. i am really hoping and praying that i would not get radically and disgustingly and hopelessly sick this time. my really bad days would usually start on friday and go all the way to thursday. i will always ask for Him to have mercy on me. i will not give up on prayer. i will not give up on Him! He is too dear and near and true for me to do that. He tells me to cry out to Him ... and so I will. will you? for your own self ... or on my behalf ... or both? we should never be characterized by giving up ... especially on God. i have pockets of giving up. you probably do too. don't even talk to me next week ... i might be in one of those pockets. lucky for you ... i only write when i'm in a good 'spot' .... or almost in a good 'spot'.

i love you and thank God for you.

diane

p.s. we are becoming more and more enamored with CTCA ... what an awesome place!

WRESTLING WITH GOD

As usual … before I even get over one ‘hump’ … I have started thinking about the next one. As I continue to recuperate from surgery, I am haunted by the next stop on this train …. Possibly more chemo, radiation. Both of which make me horribly sad.

I’ve been crying a lot during the last week. Really scared of the thought of giving my whole summer to chemotherapy and then radiation (having already tasted the bitterness of chemo this last winter). I don't even know what the oncologist will tell me. There is no plan in place yet, but I have been making deals with The Almighty. Ever done that? I have no problem with it. He understands. But,

After much wrestling with the Lord, I’m almost at the point where I can say:

“Lord, who am I, that I would ask to be spared from something that others are not spared from? I don't know!! I know I have cried out to You, believing that You are still in the miracle business ... the deliverance business! I know that it's given me hope, and I know I've seen you do some pretty wild things. I'm not following the doctors, Lord!! I'm following You. Looking for You. Listening for You. And I've heard You speak thru them. And no matter what happens ... I am committed to walking thru this valley with You."

“Lord, I will do ANYTHING to get rid of this cancer for good!" "And I will do anything to come out of this more mature and less fearful and more trusting of YOU"

"Lord, I will go where You lead. I will obey. Even if it is painful. I know that I know that I know that I know that You did not bring this cancer to me. But it's here. And I will obey my way thru this difficult time. But it doesn't mean I won't cry the whole time (or at least in between blogs) :)"

I only want to follow the Lord Jesus Christ: To trust Him for big things ... but to obey in all things. There's nothing in all the world like hearing His heartbeat as I lean against His chest. There is a sweetness in suffering. I am loved. You are too.

We travel to Chicago May 27/28 ... at that time we'll know what future treatments will be recommended.

Isaiah 50:10 "Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God"

Hope Singing at Hospital Cafeteria

I'M VERY STRONG, VERY BRAVE, AND VERY COURAGEOUS!

....... And if YOU prayed, you can take the credit! I just put my armor on and marched forward into battle like a good little warrior-girl. I figured "It's gotta be done, so LET'S GET IT DONE! I've got flowers to get home to ... and Singing Angel Barbershop Harmony songs to sing ... so let's move on!" But I must tell you ... surgery is far better than chemotherapy in my book!

Today as I write this (Monday) I'm in unexpected pain ... so I write with a mix of anxiety and anger. Stupid pain. Anyhow ....

Everything went well. The margins around the tumor were clear (very, very good) and he took only 3 lymph nodes. Only the 'chief' lymph node had a hint of malignancy. When he tested the next two, they were clear. But since he cut them up, he had to take them out. But they were clear. The bottom line is .... I won't know THE NEXT STEP (chemo, radiation, tamoxifen, or RIDICULOUS NOTHING!) until I go back in one month. Dr. Ray will call me this week with the pathology report. I hope I can understand what he tells me.

I was so peaceful, knowing that alot of you guys had Dr. Ray 'covered' in prayer. And i just knew that the Holy Spirit was lighting up that O.R. I guess Dr. Ray came to me when I was still highly doped up in recovery, and told me that my lymphs were clear. At that point the nurses called Bill over and said "you're not normally allowed in here, but you've got to come see this". He came in to see me smiling real big and repeating over and over "it's not in my lymphs! it's not in my lymphs!" I was out of bed 24 hours later and had energy and joy mixed with a little trepidation.

Dr. Ray is so wonderful. He let me come in for an appointment every day after surgery to set my mind at ease. As I would share my deep concerns with him, he would reassure me ... and then somehow we would leave the appointment all cracking up. I had this ridiculous sense of humor going on. I think it was a ridiculous joy of sorts.

I must tell you that the rest of our time at CTCA was filled with a ton of laughter and joy, as well as depth of soul. God used my colorful scarves to open conversations with strangers. They seemed to be approaching me constantly the whole week. "I like your scarf" .... then I was able to talk with them. It ended up being a week of being encouraged by others ... and a week of me encouraging others ... a week of entering into other people's pain ... and a week of ridiculous humor as well. I don't think I ever laughed as much as I did the days following surgery. It was ridiculous.

I want to tell you about Hope. She's an Asian lady probably in her 60's. She works for CTCA by pushing a cart around with goodies for the Chemo patients to eat and drink. Sometimes she sings songs as she pushes the cart. They are always songs about Jesus. This week we saw her stand in a waiting room packed full of 'heavy' souls' and just start singing. She doesn't sing complete songs ... just parts of songs. Some are hymns. Some are worship choruses. And sometimes they're way too high or way too low. Well one time, Bill and I got on the elevator, and Hope was in it too. Just the 3 of us. Hope doesn't talk too much, she just sings. So the 3 of us just started singing real loud "Thank you for the Cross, Lord. Thank you for price You paid. Bearing all my sin and shame, in love You came, and gave amazing love". Then as the doors opened we just kept singing as we walked down the hall. No embarrassment. Then ... later she was singing in the dining room with her guitar. She was there for like 15 minutes singing to a full capacity crowd of scared, hurting people. They clapped and smiled after each song. We can't believe they haven't 'shut her down'. But we think it's because she's a little 'different' and no one wants to stop her. She's not really a singer ... and that actually endears her to people. She sings straight from her heart. And she just radiates love.

Oh ... you know what? Speaking of Christianity ... I have needed to clarify something for a long, long time. I mis-stated at the beginning (way back in December) that Cancer Treatment Ctrs of America is a Christian-based organization. It's not. I misconstrued it. But there are many people there who walk with Jesus. And we are just loving it. It's in a town called Zion (a Biblical town name), and it was founded by a pastor and his church a lonnnnng time ago. Almost all the street names are biblical. The hospital is on Elijah Street. So, no, it's not a Christian place ... but Jesus is welcome to roam the halls there. And for that we are grateful.

Well ... I have to go take a pain pill and empty my drain tube (I just know you wish I hadn't told you that ... now I've just ruined your day). But I love you with all my heart, and I pray for you often ... for God to bless you as He's blest me ... for you to have the strength to walk thru this life with Him. Till next time ... i remain faithfully yours, Diane

SURGERY

Bill and I leave for Chicago on Sunday April 26 and I will have surgery (lumpectomy) on TUESDAY APRIL 28 @ 1:30PM (Cleveland time EST). Very Nasty procedures @ 10am and 11am that same day. We'll be gone for a week.

I am neither brave nor courageous, and my heart is pounding as I write this. Fear is a true enemy of mine. A formidable foe.

I'm hoping that some of you may be willing to pray for DR. RAY, my surgeon. I'm looking for anyone who might be willing to pray (to Jesus) for Dr. Ray every day starting today. Pray as God leads you to pray. I don't want to wait till the last minute. While I'm lying on the table, it will help me greatly knowing that he is 'covered in prayer' by you, and that I don't have to get all worked up. Do you know what I mean?

I've had a great 2 weeks of feeling very good. This has caused a huge dilemma, in that now no one believes I'm sick or need prayer!!! I need to start acting sickly. Maybe I won't wear make-up in public! Maybe I should only wear my black scarves. No more bright pinks and purples! Perhaps I shouldn't burst out laughing. Well ... all I know is that laughter is good medicine. And this has been my motto from the beginning "When I can smile ... I will smile big. When I can laugh ... I will laugh ... loud and hard! ... because there's been many times when I can do neither.

For today I will smile and laugh. And today I know this, and will fight to hold onto it: Jesus has promised "I will never leave you nor forsake you". Believe it, Diane. You believe it, too. Okay?

Want to see Dr. Ray talking? http://www.cancercenter.com/midwestern-hospital/physicians/stephen-ray.cfm

AN EMAIL I SENT OUT APRIL 4TH

i wanted you to know that a lumpectomy (not a mastectomy) is scheduled in chicago for april 28 (tues). horribly nasty procedures on april 27 (mon). the tumor did not pull away from the chest wall. instead it was pulling the chest wall up with it. but it did shrink. the lymphs shrunk also. they are all very pleased with the clinical result of the chemo. they won't know til after surgery (pathology report) if i need more chemo (less dose). it depends on if there are 'clear margins' and how the lymphs look. at this point i don't know how i could possibly handle more chemo. 3+ weeks past my last chemo and i'm still not well. radiation is seemingly inevitable. then tamoxifen (a drug to suppress estrogen ... for 5 years). i know most of you are not interested in all this 'clinical' talk ... but many are ... so i'm sorry if you didn't want all this info. but i still thank you for remembering me ... and all the myriads of others going thru the same trial. it's an unbelievable road.

i'm gonna work thru this. it's all a process ... emotionally, physically, spiritually. thank you for caring.

p.s. i'm looking for emails from any of you who have information and opinions about removing the ovaries so that i won't need to be on tamoxifen. (tamoxifen can cause uterine cancer). this stupid tumor is fed by estrogen. email is the best way for me to receive this info. keep in mind that i would jump this ship in a minute to do things naturally. i'm hoping for opinions as well as a website or two i can visit. i know some of you have no ovaries ... and are sorry about it. if you have input, i'd be interested. (bill said he doesn't have ovaries, but he can't help me).

p.p.s.. i'll tell you about the MRI on the blog later. He was there. :)

p.p.p.s. so grateful that i didn't get another chemo this week. unbelievable mercy.

p.p.p.p.s. (am i doing these p.s.'s right? ... homeschool moms can let me know) .... am struggling with the thought of being so far away from my support system (family & crucial friends) during surgery. but we know we are in the right place (cancer treatment ctrs in chicago). my surgeon is one of only 5 surgeons in the U.S. who does what he does. he's well-seasoned at the age of 66. i think that's a good age. he's seen it all and has good intuition.

p.p.p.p.p.s. do you remember when i prayed that my organs wouldn't be harmed by the 'fire' of the chemicals? the oncologist always giggles out loud when she reads the lab report because my liver keeps getting healthier and healthier. well now. that's something to ponder. :)

thanks for cheering me up. i feel better than when i started writing this. i had only planned on writing 3 incomplete sentences with only bare minimum details.

I'll Meet You in the MRI .....

All I know is that ... I'm not getting any chemotherapy this week! I am rejoicing! Today is the first day that I've been able to really comprehend this good news. I've been so sick for 18 days from the last chemo. But today .... I've just been walking around the house all day saying "Andrew. I need to tell you something." Yes Mom? "I'm not getting chemo this week!!!!" .... and we both smile a real relaxed smile. Ahhhhhhhh.

Oh ... I did get Andrew's virus, but I didn't get a fever. No ER visits for me!!!!! Sweet people covering me in sweet prayer. I am blest.

Bill and I fly to Chicago (Cancer Treatment Ctrs of America) for a Wed 2:00pm MRI (otherwise known as the Vietnamese Flashback Chamber). Then we meet with the surgeon Thursday @9:00am.

Depending on what 'they' say ... I may stay for surgery on Monday and that means I'd be gone a whole week or more. I would like to be able to let you know if we stay. I'll see if I can have Andrew send out an email from home.

"Lord, You spoke thru Balaam's donkey in the old testament. I'm trusting you to speak Your words of hope and life thru these tests and doctors. You go ahead of me, Lord ... I'll meet You in the MRI machine"


Riddle of the day: What's the difference between major surgery and minor surgery?
Answer: (say this outloud) "Mine" is major, and "Yours' is minor.

Word of the Day: RIDICULOUS

I have truly been feeling defeated and foolish for my earlier 'ridiculous' prayers. So I've decided to "lay down at His feet" and submit to His will. Rough. It seemed that I was going to have to walk thru this difficult trial without being 'rescued'. Sad. He knows what I need & desire ... and I've said all I can say to Him. I will remain at His feet and submitted to His will ... BUT as of Friday, I have changed my mind about feeling foolish about the 'ridiculous' prayer part. Here's why:

The appointment this past Friday was special because I was meeting with my chief oncologist (whom I haven't seen since chemo began). We'll call him the 'big guy'. CTCA assured me that it was not a pivotal or important appointment. But I thought:

maybe the 'big guy' will see such improvement that he would change my schedule
and and cut my chemo treatments short. ridiculous.

But they assured me that that never happens. Rare at best. I was actually trying to get treatment #4 (out of 6) here in Cleveland. But it didn't work out so i was able to see the 'big guy' in Chicago right before treatment #4 as planned. He came in with a troop of others and examined my tumor and said it felt like healthy tissue, and that it appears that it has pulled away from the chest wall !!! He said:

Today will be your last chemo!!!! When you come back in 3 weeks, you will get an MRI and then see the surgeon for a possible lumpectomy !!!!! Not a mastectomy !!!! He said I was a classic success case for getting chemo before surgery to shrink the tumor.

He basically told me I will be fine. He has 30 years of oncology experience ... I'm trying to rest in his expertise!

You never saw a happier person in the chemo infusion chair that day. I probably had that proverbial good attitude that everyone tells me is so important, but that I haven't been able to muster up before this.

The MRI is the final authority (but don't believe that either ... God is the final authority) ... not a doctor's hands or hunch. So, hey ... may it be even better than what the doctor said. May my lymph nodes be cured, as well. Ridiculous. Simply Ridiculous. I still have a long road ahead of me. Surgery. Possibly more chemo (less dose) and radiation and hormone therapy. It's all about those lymph nodes. But I'm in a ridiculous mood. And want to stay there right now.

Thru this cancer/chemo ordeal ... I have realized that my anxiety is wacko. And has been for years. And God graciously had 2 girlfriends 'waiting in the wings' to help me out. They have prayed with me, cried with me, given me their time, and offered tools to use to ward off the anxiety. And my pastor has been faithful, along with them. God is good. It was not perfect, but the anxiety was definitely better.

Now don't tell anyone I said this (and don't hold me to it) ... but it crossed my mind that this cancer has been a 'gift' of sorts. It has exposed the fact that this high level of anxiety is not necessary ... harmful. If I can go forward to live my life with normal levels of anxiety, then I will indeed have received a gift from this illness. Utterly ridiculous.

I am amazed, and I hope you are. I hope you are encouraged. I'm trying to relish in the moment. Trying to believe it's all true. For today ... I believe it.
So happy you have joined me for this roller coaster ride. Last time, nearly every thing was nasty. This time it was all good. I like "good" better. Here's to ridiculous praying.

Question of the Day: How's your anxiety level?

Wobbly

I must've written a new blog entry 10 times!!! I've erased every one of them!! The words just keep coming out all wrong. Hmph.

What I've been meaning to tell you is that i am have a REALLY hard time with ANXIETY ... faith ... sadness.... and ANXIETY!!!!!

The words anxiety and sadness may not make any sense to you when I tell you that the tumor has shrunk again, and no longer has palpable definitive borders. And how can those words possibly make sense to you when I tell you that the side effects were indeed lessened on days 6,7,8 this time? (that's when they usually go thru the roof!)

It's just the constant-ness of this painful trial. The cumulative problems my body is having week after week. The fact that the 'systemic candidiasis' I have been trying to eradicate for over 11 years is the culprit of the extreme nature of my side effects. I am now on new anti-fungal drugs which helped the side effects on days 6,7,8. Frustrated (I have taken all these drugs at some time during the last 11 years). Tired. The thought of how much more I have to go through. Not knowing what the future holds. Or what the next treatment will hold. I really want and need to handle this with a good attitude ....

But, I'll tell you .. apart from my feelings, there's a little voice in my head reminding me that the Bible tells me that Christ has promised that He'll never leave me. That He will walk thru this with me. I am compelled to believe in Him even when I don't see or feel Him. That's hard. But I know He's God ... there is no other. I have tasted His goodness in the past, and am confident I will see it again. He has not abandoned me. I know He loves me. I'm just wobbly right now.

How about you? Are you wobbly?


"In all their distress, He too was distressed" ... Isaiah 63:9



P.S. We leave for Chicago for treatment #4 (out of 6) on Thursday, March 12. Chemo on Friday. Home on Saturday. I go to Cancer Treatment Ctrs of America for every appointment and treatment. I tried to set something up to get a treatment (or 2 or 3) here in Cleveland ... but it didn't work out. Well pooh.

God Has A Plan For Your Life, And It Doesn't Include Fear

We’re flying to Chicago this Thursday (Feb 19, 7pm EST). No more planes falling from the sky!!!! Trying not to get worked up over this. Lots of snow and wind expected both days. Another chance to let go and trust Him. Oh boy. (return flight departs Saturday 2:30pm)

Chemotherapy #3 on Friday @ 12:30-4:30

I failed to ask for prayer last time for my anxiety, and to be more honest … my tendency to give in to panic. It usually strikes when the plane lands at O’Hare and builds thru that evening and the next morning till I’m in a tizzy. I"m a nut case.

“Lord, spare me from any allergic responses! Allow me to have less severe side effects. And how I appreciate and need the gift of Your presence. Speak thru the doctor, if you’d like to make any changes to protect your girl. Yes, protect me, Lord. We will be looking for Your fingerprints of mercy. And that tumor …. It’s in Your hands Lord. You know my prayer. I deserve nothing. But I know You love me. And You've given me the 'faith of a mustard seed'. Thank you for the people who read this and care. And thank you for the people who pray on my behalf. Build our faith, precious Lord. Make us the people You want us to be. Make a difference in our lives! And give us love. For you and each other. Thank you for changing a part of me thru this. Protect my family and I from sickness and infection during all of this. You are faithful. We have no other. You are enough. Amen.”

Do You Want The GOOD NEWS First?

Yes, it’s true! I was free to smile, laugh and dance at Billy’s wedding! Stayed until it was over! Simply amazing. My mom said “If you keep this up, no one will believe that you’re sick” …. Hahahahahahahahaha! You’ve gotta know my mom.

Thank you for praying for and encouraging me. It’s no little thing.

*****************************************

John 10:10 “The thief comes to kill, steal and destroy … but I have come that you might have life … and life more abundantly” …. Jesus Christ

My 2nd chemo treatment was harder than I thought it would be. In some ways it was way better than the first one. I didn’t get the rash. I didn’t have a load of bricks on my chest. I didn’t land in the ER. I didn’t get a few other things I never told you about (because you just wouldn’t want to know that stuff). But I was still laid up for nearly 9 days again. Very nauseous this time. Heart beating over 120 for a few days. Head pounding. Unable to eat (couldn't take my pills that would help). Constant headache. Very scary constant heartburn for many days. Feeling like someone poured cement in my gut. Extreme exhaustion. Some of the things I did to alleviate side effects, actually made them worse. Very upset. Okay, ticked off. Defeated. And now I am experiencing neuropathy in my feet. I guess the chemo attacks the nervous system and muscles. My heels feel like I’m walking on needles. I’m so sad for my body.

Truth: “I am fearfully and wonderfully made” … Psalm 139

I am grateful: The appointment with the oncologist before the 2nd chemo went very well. She came in with my letter in hand. And she listened. And she adjusted some of my meds. We deleted the ‘take at home’ steroids. We deleted the ‘shot’ in my belly which caused me bone pain and other unlovely side affects. We laughed and hugged. She’s likeable. I am comfortable with her.

What’s the good news?: When the doctor felt the lump she was floored that it had decreased in size by 20% … it went from 5.5 cm to 4.3 after the 1st treatment. She kept saying “I’m impressed!”. Thank you for praying!

No belly shot and no steroid equals: Nausea, chance for allergic response, and low white blood cell counts (needed to fight infection).

The doctor labeled me as an: ENIGMA (the homeschool mom says “look it up in the dictionary”)

What would I say to someone who has cancer?: I have no clue. No one ever knows what to say. Every person needs something different. You never know if YOU have the golden key (golden words, golden prayers, golden demeanor). You never know.

What can you DO for someone who’s ill?: I don’t know … everyone’s different. Think ‘out of the box’. You don’t have to be traditional.

If you pray to Jesus … you can pray for: The neuropathy in my feet!!! That it wouldn’t be permanent. For my white blood cell count! No infection. And … I’m just plain scared and want to get off this chemo ‘boat’. I don’t want to lose hope, but I am discouraged because others only have a few days of feeling really bad … while my symptoms are overwhelming for quite a while. I want to have hope and a good attitude. Somehow it’s not what it was. The thought of another treatment …. what’s gonna happen next!!!!!??? I don't want to be an enigma!!!!

Another scripture: “When I am weak, He is strong” …

Don’t forget: the ER doctor’s words (you can go back to the previous blog titled “God in the ER)

Want to pray ridiculously? (Don't even read this unless you're brave): Pray that I wouldn’t need all the treatments (you know that I really mean ... no more treatments). That the tumor would be gone in 2 weeks when we go back … Feb 20. I also know that God isn’t disappointed that I ask. He isn’t saying “What a goofus!” . He wants us to ask. Doesn’t it take a ‘mustard seed’ of faith to even ask? It’s all up to Him anyhow. I really don’t deserve a thing. But I am His. And He is mine. I will never boast in my strength anymore. I will boast about my weakness ... because He is strong.

Very Weakly Yours, Diane

P.S. I'm addicted to you and your prayers. :) I hope you don't mind!

Chemo #2 on Friday

Hi Dear Friends: I've been feeling well. :) Not much hair, but I feel good ... decent energy ... lighthearted at times. We're flying to Chicago on Thursday (Jan 29) morning and returning Saturday. Chemo at 10:30 (cleveland time) on Friday, Jan 30. I had a downright traumatizing experience last time. No more ER's!!!!! (even if the nurses/doctors were phenomenal ).

I'm hoping for a much better experience. I think it's prayer. People praying. Scripture. Faith.

I don't know. I just have hope. And that's a good thing. He is near.

I've gotten some tips from my Naturopath on things I can do to help things along. It makes me feels empowered somehow ... to be able to DO something for myself .. not just sit and take it.

A few of my symptoms have never quite disappeared (the rash is one) ... so I would covet your prayers. I'm educated about alot of things healthwise ... but this is too big and foreign for me ...

so I'm trusting that God would speak thru the doctors. If He wants me to change anything (delete the steroid or change meds or change doses) ... I guess I need Him to speak thru the doctors. And I'll need to accept what they say (a big deal for me). Please join me in praying for that. I need protection, that's for sure!!!! I will write and let you know, how He guided and answered your prayers. A friend said that if God could speak thru Balaam's donkey (old testament) ... that He could speak thru the doctors, too. All I know is that I cracked up hysterically when she said that!!! And it still makes me laugh! Speak Lord!

Oh ... if I've never asked for prayer for those airplane rides ... well ... you know ... it would be great if you did. Our last flight, we actually had to walk out to the plane in a blizzard! They had to de-ice the plane, and we took off in a huge snowstorm. Hmmmm. Another chance to trust Him.

My step-son, Billy, is getting married a week after chemo. I would really like to be able to be there ... untraumatized, energetic, well. Feb. 6 is the rehearsal and the 7th is the wedding. How could I possibly let my handsome husband go in his dashing tuxedo all by himself? Besides ... we have been taking ballroom dance lessons!!!!

Here's a verse that I love this week: Psalm 34 .... He is close to the brokenhearted, He rescues those whose spirits are crushed. I'm especially fond of the word 'rescue'.

I so appreciate you and I've never said this so much in life before .... I'm not an "I love you" kind of a person ... but I really love each one of you!

Diane

P.S. A special thanks to Bill and Andrew for letting me hang out at home without a hat or scarf or anything. I know it's weird and a little too 'real' ... but you have made me feel comfortable. You have handled it well. I'm praying for you.

P.P.S I have no idea why there are no spaces between paragraphs or why it doesn't look right!!! Silly blog!

Hair

it's very weird to take a shower and have nearly all your hair fall out in gobs ... like it did today. at least it doesn't hurt. look out for the roumanian in her head scarves. i will probably look more muslim. when i was in egypt (hi james, 'iffer', andrea, teri, etc.... were you there, cher?) the egyptians thought i was egyptian! i guess i will be 'all things to all people' ....

thanks for letting me write here, knowing you'll be reading it. somehow it's therapeutic for me.

God in the ER

New famous quote I just made up: "I am probably one of the weakest, most emotionally fragile people you've ever met. I also have a strength that would amaze you." Feel free to quote me (just not to my face on a weak day .... :)

Fact: If you ever don't know how to 'take' me ... just say "Oh, she must be trying to be funny".

Today: I laughed. That's huge. I also sang worship songs at my piano. Again ... a huge step forward.

Thank you: Suzanne for taking me to the ER when I-71 was closed because of black ice. The Kuehn's for taking Andrew sledding. Sharon for daring to cook for us. (we have weird allergies).

Disclaimer: In what I share here ... I am simply NOT trying to convert you. I am NOT trying to preach. I have NEVER convinced anybody to follow Christ by talking to them. In fact, they've probably wanted to go in the opposite direction. Okay? Believe me? Good. Now let me tell you how Jesus Christ was in the ER. (He is God, you know ... Father, Son, Holy Spirit ... the Trinity ... nothing weird, just Christianity).

GOD IN THE ER: I have really been suffering... beyond what 'others' told me to expect from Chemotherapy. It is day 9 and I am just now thinking I might live thru this first round. Still haven't looked at my 'port'. I swint my eyes (told you I am weak). Bone pain. No sleep. A ton of bricks on my chest. Horrible heartburn. Incredible disabling weakness. Shaky. Headache. Every flu symptom you know. Sore Throat. Head pounding. Big itchy rash around my whole neck ... hives. My neck looks like a turkey's neck today. Nails hurt. Allergic reaction to the drugs. Resurgence of my candidiasis. Sore from surgery. In bed every day, all day. Scalp is numb. The nurses saying "you still feel bad? you don't have a fever do you?". Very sad and scared. I thought the bad part would only last 3-4 days. My nurse told me to go to the ER. Ugh. More pokes. Prods. Injections. CatScan to determine if I had a blod clot (i didn't). EKG. IV to hydrate me. I cried everytime I told someone why I was there.

I was met at every turn by compassionate people. Charlotte was the nurse who inserted the deep IV to hydrate me. She saw my emotional state and said "Let me tell you a story. My mom was diagnosed with cancer years and years ago and they told her she was going to die soon. I travelled from N Carolina to see her and we got on our knees and prayed. When she went back to the doctor, he was furious because he thought someone had confused her chart. It wasn't confused ... she had been healed. She still had to go thru alot ... but she was not going to die". I said "Do you pray to Jesus Christ?" She said "Yes"... And sometimes He gives me visions, and when I look at you I can see that you'll be okay". She said "I will be praying for you". I said "If you pray to Jesus, then will you pray for me right now?" She closed the curtain around my bed .... grabbed Suzanne's hand and my hand and prayed hard for me. Someone tried to interrupt us, and she said "Not now ... in just minute". One thing I remember .... she prayed that I would have the courage of a lion. I have also been wondering if I should see a certain doctor in Medina who may be able to help me get thru this with some natural approaches to ease the symptoms. I never told anyone. But Charlotte happened to say "My mom saw a Dr. in Medina who really helped her". I said "Is it Dr. Weeks?" She said "Yes!". She gave me his address. For me it was a confirmation to give him a call. When she left, we were stunned. What in the world had just happened?

The Sr. citizen volunteer lady told me she'd pray for me. I asked ... "Do you pray to Jesus? Because it's no use praying to anyone else ... because who else had the power to bust out of the grave?". She said 'yes'.

The ER doctor came in to tell me I could either stay in the hospital or go home. He was so compassionate. The shift had just changed, so this was the first time I had met this particular doctor. He looked at me with compassionate eyes, held my hand, and told me he would pray for me. I said "Do you pray to Jesus?". He said "yes, of course" ... and my first name is Angel (he was Hispanic). He felt that his name was significant. I was simply amazed by his warmth and gentleness. He affirmed the fact that chemo is an all-out assault on the body, and that I am indeed suffering. So during our conversation I asked him .. What can I expect in the next few days. He got quiet. Looked at me quite seriously. And slowly said "I ... am expecting a miracle". We all got quiet. He appeared rather choked up. Silence. I could not believe what this doctor said to me. When he left he told me he'd be praying for me. I believed him. My bro George and his wife Suzanne were both in the room. We were simply stunned. Awed. What was going on? God met us in the ER.

I have no definitions of what happened. No nothing. I can just tell you what was said and done. I could not have manipulated one of these conversations. I know that I am loved with an everlasting love. I will go and do and be a part of and believe anything that God tells me to. For now .... I am in awe. And I'm looking .....

I went home feeling just as bad physically (except ... I slept 4 straight hours that night). But something went on in Southwest General Hospital ER that day. I will bask in it. I will let myself be encouraged by His mercy. "I will look to the hills .... where does my help come from? My help comes from The Lord ... the maker of Heaven and Earth." Psalm 121

Question of the Day for Thursday, Jan 15: "Do you pray to Jesus Christ?" :)

going to the ER

nurse said to go to ER to get hydrated. check out heart stuff. check out candidiasis. check out allergic rash. :(

update on Jan 15

I am on day 7 and am still overcome by physical symptoms. The shooting bone pain has gone away. But I am up all night with heartburn, a rash, and some itching. I am weak and lethargic and shakey. Lots of symptoms like the candidiasis I've strugged with for years. Yes. I will call the nurse today, again. The word 'rescue' seems appropriate.

Psalm 54

"Come with great power, O God, and rescue me! Defend me with Your might. Listen to my prayer, O God. Pay attention to my pleas. For strangers are attacking me (heartburn, pain, headache, rash). But God is my helper. The Lord keeps me alive. "

I am wondering if I am doing the right thing. This is absolutely ridiculous. It appears that I am having the very symptoms I didn't want to have. I need relief. Other people only have symptoms for a few days. Don't give up. You are on this journey with me. I've seen your prayers work.

I will have some sort of immature fit if you write with advice ... well unless it's really awesome, and straight from God. Really, just asking for prayer and reassurance of His love.

P.S.

i couldn't figure out how to edit, so i'm just writing a little note here. the previous title 'ceiling ...' was meant to let you know that your prayers went thru the ceiling and reached our big God. i was thoroughly amazed, and will remember your prayers and His power forever. :)

the ceiling and other thoughts

i've been so hesitant to write. because i don't know what to write. i want to encourage you and thank you ... but i feel like a failure right now. i'll just start with the bad stuff and then go forward to the good stuff. i am sore and very sad. i don't like this at all. don't want to be depressed ... need to move on. but i am sort of shell-shocked (in all ways). not sure what a day will hold for me. it's all a bit too real.

okay ... now the good stuff. it's your prayers to my Jesus. never feel ineffective. never. never feel like you are just 'one'. i was so not panic-striken when we were at CTCA. i didn't have to reach out for His hand ... i didn't have to even pray ... all i did was relax and bask in His love. i'm serious. He came to ME ... i did not have to go to HIM. i have never experienced that in my entire life. thank you, and thank you, Lord. a few times i got really nervous, and He sent someone to talk to me. i met a nurse who knows Christ, and she just held me. we found a pastor there to come and talk to us, and he is a solid follower of Christ.

should i share with you my 'ridiculous' prayer request? remember in the old testament, the 3 men who were thrown into the fire? shadrach, meshach, and abednego. and God himself was in there with them? and they weren't burned? not even their clothes? it was ridiculous! i am asking that the Lord might do that for my organs and immune system ... that all the 'fire' of these chemicals and poisons would not singe me or harm me. if you're a 'ridiculous' believer ... you may want to join me. it's all up to Him. but i don't think He minds me asking. i hope He's pleased. (check it out in Daniel chapter 3 around verse 12 .....)

well ... i'll close for now. thanks to each of you. even if you don't share my faith in Christ ... just your caring and kindness is huge to me. i love each of you. thanks for letting me express myself. much love, diane