CLOSER THAN BREATHING

I always need to remind myself why I write in this blog. It's not a medical update ... no .... it's not for the general public .... no ... it's not totally for prayer ..... it's not to pollute the air with my fear and thus embarrass myself ... no ... I think it's a creative outlet for ME. It's a gift ... to myself. I think it's my way of expressing my deep beliefs in spite of chronic panic.

Last night I joined a somewhat large gathering of women (I snuck in late and left early) in worship at Grace Church. Words on the screen. Female worship band. Scripture. Prayer. Mostly singing. It was an interesting and revealing experience. It has to do with being in what I call "The Pool of Suffering". I think others in this 'pool' may relate to it. As I listened to the music and watched the words I thought:

"I do not have to strive for God right now. I haven't had to in
months. In my pain ... He has been there. He's cotton-pickin' right
there. He's just closer than breathing. On the outside ... I'm
consistently surrounded by terrifying procedures, illness, depression,
isolation, dangerous chemicals, etc ... but somehow I haven't had to search for
Him. I'm not wondering where He is. He's right with me.

It's an odd experience. And throughout this trial I have worshipped Him thru a veil of tears. It's so real. So honest. And it hit me again last night. What a precious place I'm in. What a privileged place. Not a happy place at all ... but maybe one day I'll look back and be jealous for this place again. To be so desperate in my physical body and my emotions ... yet so close to the Lord. To worship WHILE suffering. It's quite a concept. It feels quite 'true'.

"He has promised never to leave me nor forsake me" ... so
simple. so profound. so true.

Switching gears: So ... now for the medical stuff. It's been 4 weeks since my FINAL chemo. I'm bald AGAIN. That was difficult. My last chemo was nasty. I'm still fighting effects, but am functioning quite well! I've met with a radiation oncologist here at Fairview Hospital and will begin DAILY radiation treatments in Cleveland on August 17 for 6 weeks. I know you'll be surprized that I was questioning my need for radiation. hahahaha. And I again told the Lord that I will most definitely follow His lead.... not the doctors. Where He leads I will follow. Beats me why He wants me to go down this incredibly toxic path. But once again we felt that God provided the needed peace when the preliminary nurse casully said

"Dr. Hercsbergs is way more interested in supplements and vitamins than any
other radiation oncologist on staff here".

I didn't really know anything about this doctor ... YET GOD ... put our hearts at ease with that statement. D a r n! I'm so tired about having peace to get thru a dangerous treatment plan!!! This would not be MY plan at all!! But I am not my own.

I was really hoping that something RIDICULOUS would transpire and that I would be spared from this rotten radiation. But it appears that that's not going to happen. But I'm ALWAYS looking for signs of the Almighty. I can't seem to leave the 'hope' and 'ridiculousness' behind. I think it's kinda cool ...

I feel a need to tell you that I asked the doctor about the 'secondary cancers' I can get from radiation. He said:

"Ah yes ... secondary cancers ... we'll yours would be lung cancer" .... I said
"I don't want lung cancer, doctor". And he put his head down and said
"neither do I". How can he sleep at night?

And I also found out that this treatment is not 'personalized' in any way ... it is not based on ME. It's all protocol. I may even be cancer-free. But they do no testing before or after radiation. I am just on a people-mover called "protocol". I hate that word. Stupid word.

So there you have it ... MY PRAYER REQUEST TO JESUS, MY CHRIST .... please join me in praying that He would protect me from harm. Late side effect: cancer .... Immediate side effect: nasty skin burning on the area that is being radiated and fatigue. Protection. Protection. Protection.

I always think I'm going to make this short and sweet (or unsweet) ... but it rarely works that way. So sorry. But I do need to remember that this blog is a gift to myself. And I can't tell you how blest I am that you are reading it. I hope you are blest in a real strange way. Strange because of the suffering (and complaining) combined with strength ... and growth ... and tranformation. May I not come out of this the same person I was when I came into it!!!!!!!

Is God using some pain in YOUR life to tranform YOU?

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Forever His Daughter,

Diane

I'VE HAD IT !!!!!

I've had my fill of losing hair, growing hair, and losing it again. Of sickness. Of pain. Of fear. Have I missed anything? I am definitely NOT a person of whom my husband will say "Through all her pain, I never heard my dear wife complain". I wish ........