It's been over a year and a half since my last 'treatment'. I am on a daily pill (5 years) to hold back the estrogen ... and I'm not liking the side effect of WEIGHT GAIN. FAT. It's wild. If I ate this way 4 years ago, I would've been steadily and quickly losing weight. But nothing. Nada.
Well anyhow, enough complaining. I seem to be the queen of complaining. But I'm getting better. Cancer is a great teacher. But really ... I think it's better stated like this "Cancer TREATMENTS are great teachers'. They are brutal.
I feel like a nearly completely new person most of the time.
Here's my musings on perhaps what I have learned from my trip to the 'land of cancer' ... what I've learned and how I think I've changed ...
1. Don't even ask me to explain this ... but even though I really didn't have much, if any, PEACE during my treatments (I'd be bold enough to say I was traumatized the entire time) ... the experience some how really solidified the fact that Jesus loves me. Go figure. I now know that I know that I know that I am Christ's and He is mine. I never really doubted my salvation. But the place I'm in now is really awesome .... I AM HIS DAUGHTER .... He proved it to me in the midst of suffering ... in the midst of unchanging pain and trauma. Go figure ... I can't explain it .... but it's true. Beautifully true.
2. Don't even try to scare me ... because "GOD WILL NEVER LEAVE ME OR FORSAKE ME. HE IS WITH ME". So there!
3. In some ways I am really FREE! I have stepped out and done some things that terrified me in the past. God has opened a door for me to work with some 8th grade girls. And though I've done this in the past ... it was HARD and it left me exhausted and defeated. This is a new day ... and I am thriving in this role. GOD.
4. When I was first diagnosed, I told God that "if I get thru this, I want to sing". I wasn't bargaining with Him or anything. I had been so full of anxiety for the last 10 years, that I barely sang. I was born to sing. I was born to proclaim the good news thru song. But I couldn't. Well .... this is my Jesus: Near the end of my radiation treatments (the last leg of cancer treatments) ... I got a call from someone who didn't even know me. She had never heard me sing. But someone told her to call me. Because of that phone call ... I ended up singing for 500 women for two consecutive nights!!!! And the merciful part of it was that I didn't have to sing a solo ... but God let me sing with 3 other women! He eased me back into the spotlight. I sang with total joy and freedom. And I hardly had any hair!!!!!!
5. I've been moving from singing engagement to singing engagement ever since! With joy ....(and a few times all by myself ... those were a little more difficult ... but I still rejoice!)
6. I have never been able to forgive. I never knew what it really 'looked like' to forgive. Now ... I am filled with a growing 'grace' towards people. It's very new for me. I like it. It's not easy ... but it's easier than harboring resentment. Hooray!
7. The anxiety that has held me captive for years (and got REALLY out of control during and after treatments) is dissapating. Is this the abundant life that Christ talks about???? It seems like it. I am not so scared of my own shadow anymore!
8. I am learning to love. "Learning" is the key word ....
9. I have a job now! My first job in 16 years. I'm the church secretary for Calvary Reformed Church, in the inner city of Cleveland. For the first time in my life, I am "working as unto the Lord". It's only 6-10 hours a week ... but it's just what the doctor ordered.
10. His Word is real to me. I am trying to 'study to show myself approved'. I want to know WHY I believe what I believe. I need to back it up with scripture.
Cancer ... a great teacher ... a great transformer (if you let it be). Do I want to go to that 'school' again ... NO. I am not painting that kind of picture at all. I ask for His mercy all the time. I have a "little baby" anxiety attack every day about it all .... but it goes away. Once you have cancer treatments, you NEVER forget it.
The big question I ask myself daily is "Would I get chemo again if 'it' comes back"? Daily I answer myself with "no". I am not afraid to die. I am not afraid to meet my Jesus. I am afraid of the slow torture that chemo offers. I like to look at it like this ... "I would not be 'giving up' ... but rather, I would be throwing myself and my life onto Christ .... letting Him decide. Not giving up ... but handing the reigns of my life over to the One who made me. I don't want to hold onto this life so desperately. I know that this life is to be cherished. It's not to be discarded so quickly. But God knows my life from beginning to end. I love Him for it. I want to trust Him with my life ... not give it away ... but trust HIM with it. Did you expect me to be any less "deep" than I have been throughout this whole blog? Nope ... I run deep. And Christ runs with me.
