Chemo #2 on Friday

Hi Dear Friends: I've been feeling well. :) Not much hair, but I feel good ... decent energy ... lighthearted at times. We're flying to Chicago on Thursday (Jan 29) morning and returning Saturday. Chemo at 10:30 (cleveland time) on Friday, Jan 30. I had a downright traumatizing experience last time. No more ER's!!!!! (even if the nurses/doctors were phenomenal ).

I'm hoping for a much better experience. I think it's prayer. People praying. Scripture. Faith.

I don't know. I just have hope. And that's a good thing. He is near.

I've gotten some tips from my Naturopath on things I can do to help things along. It makes me feels empowered somehow ... to be able to DO something for myself .. not just sit and take it.

A few of my symptoms have never quite disappeared (the rash is one) ... so I would covet your prayers. I'm educated about alot of things healthwise ... but this is too big and foreign for me ...

so I'm trusting that God would speak thru the doctors. If He wants me to change anything (delete the steroid or change meds or change doses) ... I guess I need Him to speak thru the doctors. And I'll need to accept what they say (a big deal for me). Please join me in praying for that. I need protection, that's for sure!!!! I will write and let you know, how He guided and answered your prayers. A friend said that if God could speak thru Balaam's donkey (old testament) ... that He could speak thru the doctors, too. All I know is that I cracked up hysterically when she said that!!! And it still makes me laugh! Speak Lord!

Oh ... if I've never asked for prayer for those airplane rides ... well ... you know ... it would be great if you did. Our last flight, we actually had to walk out to the plane in a blizzard! They had to de-ice the plane, and we took off in a huge snowstorm. Hmmmm. Another chance to trust Him.

My step-son, Billy, is getting married a week after chemo. I would really like to be able to be there ... untraumatized, energetic, well. Feb. 6 is the rehearsal and the 7th is the wedding. How could I possibly let my handsome husband go in his dashing tuxedo all by himself? Besides ... we have been taking ballroom dance lessons!!!!

Here's a verse that I love this week: Psalm 34 .... He is close to the brokenhearted, He rescues those whose spirits are crushed. I'm especially fond of the word 'rescue'.

I so appreciate you and I've never said this so much in life before .... I'm not an "I love you" kind of a person ... but I really love each one of you!

Diane

P.S. A special thanks to Bill and Andrew for letting me hang out at home without a hat or scarf or anything. I know it's weird and a little too 'real' ... but you have made me feel comfortable. You have handled it well. I'm praying for you.

P.P.S I have no idea why there are no spaces between paragraphs or why it doesn't look right!!! Silly blog!

Hair

it's very weird to take a shower and have nearly all your hair fall out in gobs ... like it did today. at least it doesn't hurt. look out for the roumanian in her head scarves. i will probably look more muslim. when i was in egypt (hi james, 'iffer', andrea, teri, etc.... were you there, cher?) the egyptians thought i was egyptian! i guess i will be 'all things to all people' ....

thanks for letting me write here, knowing you'll be reading it. somehow it's therapeutic for me.

God in the ER

New famous quote I just made up: "I am probably one of the weakest, most emotionally fragile people you've ever met. I also have a strength that would amaze you." Feel free to quote me (just not to my face on a weak day .... :)

Fact: If you ever don't know how to 'take' me ... just say "Oh, she must be trying to be funny".

Today: I laughed. That's huge. I also sang worship songs at my piano. Again ... a huge step forward.

Thank you: Suzanne for taking me to the ER when I-71 was closed because of black ice. The Kuehn's for taking Andrew sledding. Sharon for daring to cook for us. (we have weird allergies).

Disclaimer: In what I share here ... I am simply NOT trying to convert you. I am NOT trying to preach. I have NEVER convinced anybody to follow Christ by talking to them. In fact, they've probably wanted to go in the opposite direction. Okay? Believe me? Good. Now let me tell you how Jesus Christ was in the ER. (He is God, you know ... Father, Son, Holy Spirit ... the Trinity ... nothing weird, just Christianity).

GOD IN THE ER: I have really been suffering... beyond what 'others' told me to expect from Chemotherapy. It is day 9 and I am just now thinking I might live thru this first round. Still haven't looked at my 'port'. I swint my eyes (told you I am weak). Bone pain. No sleep. A ton of bricks on my chest. Horrible heartburn. Incredible disabling weakness. Shaky. Headache. Every flu symptom you know. Sore Throat. Head pounding. Big itchy rash around my whole neck ... hives. My neck looks like a turkey's neck today. Nails hurt. Allergic reaction to the drugs. Resurgence of my candidiasis. Sore from surgery. In bed every day, all day. Scalp is numb. The nurses saying "you still feel bad? you don't have a fever do you?". Very sad and scared. I thought the bad part would only last 3-4 days. My nurse told me to go to the ER. Ugh. More pokes. Prods. Injections. CatScan to determine if I had a blod clot (i didn't). EKG. IV to hydrate me. I cried everytime I told someone why I was there.

I was met at every turn by compassionate people. Charlotte was the nurse who inserted the deep IV to hydrate me. She saw my emotional state and said "Let me tell you a story. My mom was diagnosed with cancer years and years ago and they told her she was going to die soon. I travelled from N Carolina to see her and we got on our knees and prayed. When she went back to the doctor, he was furious because he thought someone had confused her chart. It wasn't confused ... she had been healed. She still had to go thru alot ... but she was not going to die". I said "Do you pray to Jesus Christ?" She said "Yes"... And sometimes He gives me visions, and when I look at you I can see that you'll be okay". She said "I will be praying for you". I said "If you pray to Jesus, then will you pray for me right now?" She closed the curtain around my bed .... grabbed Suzanne's hand and my hand and prayed hard for me. Someone tried to interrupt us, and she said "Not now ... in just minute". One thing I remember .... she prayed that I would have the courage of a lion. I have also been wondering if I should see a certain doctor in Medina who may be able to help me get thru this with some natural approaches to ease the symptoms. I never told anyone. But Charlotte happened to say "My mom saw a Dr. in Medina who really helped her". I said "Is it Dr. Weeks?" She said "Yes!". She gave me his address. For me it was a confirmation to give him a call. When she left, we were stunned. What in the world had just happened?

The Sr. citizen volunteer lady told me she'd pray for me. I asked ... "Do you pray to Jesus? Because it's no use praying to anyone else ... because who else had the power to bust out of the grave?". She said 'yes'.

The ER doctor came in to tell me I could either stay in the hospital or go home. He was so compassionate. The shift had just changed, so this was the first time I had met this particular doctor. He looked at me with compassionate eyes, held my hand, and told me he would pray for me. I said "Do you pray to Jesus?". He said "yes, of course" ... and my first name is Angel (he was Hispanic). He felt that his name was significant. I was simply amazed by his warmth and gentleness. He affirmed the fact that chemo is an all-out assault on the body, and that I am indeed suffering. So during our conversation I asked him .. What can I expect in the next few days. He got quiet. Looked at me quite seriously. And slowly said "I ... am expecting a miracle". We all got quiet. He appeared rather choked up. Silence. I could not believe what this doctor said to me. When he left he told me he'd be praying for me. I believed him. My bro George and his wife Suzanne were both in the room. We were simply stunned. Awed. What was going on? God met us in the ER.

I have no definitions of what happened. No nothing. I can just tell you what was said and done. I could not have manipulated one of these conversations. I know that I am loved with an everlasting love. I will go and do and be a part of and believe anything that God tells me to. For now .... I am in awe. And I'm looking .....

I went home feeling just as bad physically (except ... I slept 4 straight hours that night). But something went on in Southwest General Hospital ER that day. I will bask in it. I will let myself be encouraged by His mercy. "I will look to the hills .... where does my help come from? My help comes from The Lord ... the maker of Heaven and Earth." Psalm 121

Question of the Day for Thursday, Jan 15: "Do you pray to Jesus Christ?" :)

going to the ER

nurse said to go to ER to get hydrated. check out heart stuff. check out candidiasis. check out allergic rash. :(

update on Jan 15

I am on day 7 and am still overcome by physical symptoms. The shooting bone pain has gone away. But I am up all night with heartburn, a rash, and some itching. I am weak and lethargic and shakey. Lots of symptoms like the candidiasis I've strugged with for years. Yes. I will call the nurse today, again. The word 'rescue' seems appropriate.

Psalm 54

"Come with great power, O God, and rescue me! Defend me with Your might. Listen to my prayer, O God. Pay attention to my pleas. For strangers are attacking me (heartburn, pain, headache, rash). But God is my helper. The Lord keeps me alive. "

I am wondering if I am doing the right thing. This is absolutely ridiculous. It appears that I am having the very symptoms I didn't want to have. I need relief. Other people only have symptoms for a few days. Don't give up. You are on this journey with me. I've seen your prayers work.

I will have some sort of immature fit if you write with advice ... well unless it's really awesome, and straight from God. Really, just asking for prayer and reassurance of His love.

P.S.

i couldn't figure out how to edit, so i'm just writing a little note here. the previous title 'ceiling ...' was meant to let you know that your prayers went thru the ceiling and reached our big God. i was thoroughly amazed, and will remember your prayers and His power forever. :)

the ceiling and other thoughts

i've been so hesitant to write. because i don't know what to write. i want to encourage you and thank you ... but i feel like a failure right now. i'll just start with the bad stuff and then go forward to the good stuff. i am sore and very sad. i don't like this at all. don't want to be depressed ... need to move on. but i am sort of shell-shocked (in all ways). not sure what a day will hold for me. it's all a bit too real.

okay ... now the good stuff. it's your prayers to my Jesus. never feel ineffective. never. never feel like you are just 'one'. i was so not panic-striken when we were at CTCA. i didn't have to reach out for His hand ... i didn't have to even pray ... all i did was relax and bask in His love. i'm serious. He came to ME ... i did not have to go to HIM. i have never experienced that in my entire life. thank you, and thank you, Lord. a few times i got really nervous, and He sent someone to talk to me. i met a nurse who knows Christ, and she just held me. we found a pastor there to come and talk to us, and he is a solid follower of Christ.

should i share with you my 'ridiculous' prayer request? remember in the old testament, the 3 men who were thrown into the fire? shadrach, meshach, and abednego. and God himself was in there with them? and they weren't burned? not even their clothes? it was ridiculous! i am asking that the Lord might do that for my organs and immune system ... that all the 'fire' of these chemicals and poisons would not singe me or harm me. if you're a 'ridiculous' believer ... you may want to join me. it's all up to Him. but i don't think He minds me asking. i hope He's pleased. (check it out in Daniel chapter 3 around verse 12 .....)

well ... i'll close for now. thanks to each of you. even if you don't share my faith in Christ ... just your caring and kindness is huge to me. i love each of you. thanks for letting me express myself. much love, diane

First Chemotherapy

bill and i fly to chicago on thursday morning jan. 8 and return to cleveland on saturday, late afternoon.

THURSDAY: 1:00 get my hair cut at CTCA real, real short to prepare for hair loss. i'm betting I'll look fairly roumanian :) Probably a whole lot once the hair is gone in 2 weeks.

FRIDAY:
5:30am Arrive at CTCA

7:30am Port put in surgically on upper left chest (we think that while I'm in a 'twilight' that they will also place a 'clip' in the tumor itself ... as a 'marker')

9:30am They will administer chemotherapy thru the port.

10:00am Naturopath will visit with me to discuss helpful supplements, etc.

3:15pm A foot massage was scheduled last week.

i will spend the night in the hospital for observation. (hopefully bill will stay with me)

SATURDAY: flight to Cleveland leaves 1:30


Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls ... i've had a few good days where my head stopped pounding and I my stomach unknotted. but today is not one of them. do you know this about me? do you know that I've barely taken any drugs for over 10 years? i have had some bad reactions to drugs and have learned to treat my illnesses naturally. successfully, too. what is going to happen to my organs and immune system is unthinkable to me. can you get inside my skin on this? i am beside myself and am asking that if you are a person who prays to Jesus Christ, that you could life me up in the following ways:

1. no panic ... emotions 'at bay' ... God's peace
2. no trauma ... all procedures would go well
3. no unusual or allergic reactions to the chemo or 'port' or 'clip' ... (i mean 'ever'!). the regular side effects are bad enough ... let alone some strange reaction ... upsetting.

many people go thru this all over the world, every day, every hour! many are stoic. brave. just 'rising to the occassion'. facing it with maturity. i wish that was me. i am actually not afraid to die. but, i don't like people messing with me and hurting me, and putting poisons in me, though!!!! and acting like i shouldn't be disturbed!!!!

so there you have it. you can either write on this blog or use my email. either way is okay. some don't want to be so public with their responses. yep ... that's okay. i can retrieve the emails when i'm at home, and that's good too. well, i love you all and will write when i can. your prayers are a great comfort. i know you're not praying to the ceiling! i've lived too long to deny His power in my life.

diane

For you nurses and medical people

I didn't want to get all technical. But some are asking. If you're not into the medical aspect I won't mind if you hit the 'x' button.

so the stupid tumor (yes .. i think all tumors are stupid ... have you caught on that my humor is a defense mechanism ... a mighty handy one, i think) is about 5 cm ... that's about 2.5 inches. pretty big. it has no business in there ... stupid tumor. it has not metasticized (has not gone to other organs or parts of the body). we are grateful. they are concerned that it is close to the chest wall. a lumpectomy would just about be a mastectomy. by getting 4 rounds of chemo first (each 3 weeks apart) ... they are thinking it will shrink it down so that 1) it would be easier to take out and wouldn't require a complete mastectomy. 2) that maybe i won't need surgery at all. that sounds ridiculous to me. i'm into 'ridiculous' prayers (i think God is too) ... so go ahead and pray that one if you feel so led. i support it all the way. lymph nodes are involved. 2-3 as they can tell now. the potential scenario is .... chemo then surgery then radiation then hormone therapy. maybe chemo afterwards too. the surgeon said that mine would be a typical surgery (which was really good news). strange what is considered 'good news' these days. what the surgeon (dr. ray ... pray for him) was telling me was that i didn't need 'the best of the best' of surgeons to take my case. he happens to be one of the best ... so i'm sticking with him. i will have a 'clip' put in where the tumor is so that as it shrinks they will be able to locate it easily. can't wait for that appointment. the 'port' goes in my upper left chest on friday morning. very excited about that, too. all the sarcasm means 'PRAY'!

chemo: Docetaxel (Taxotere) and Carboplatin

This is all from my memory of discussions. I hope i got it all right. i want to be able to handle all of this like a good girl. i want to be able to relax and trust in my heavenly Father. not doing too well right now with all that. oh, for my faith to show itself real in these experiences! that's what i want. all i know is that i'm very human ... more than most (lol) and i'm bringing you along for the ride! Jesus was 'human' when he sweat drops of blood in the 'garden of gethsemene' before they took Him to the cross. He was overcome with anxiety. if it's okay for Him, i'm guessing it's okay for me. but it would be nice to be able to relax a little. i covet your prayers. and look forward to a time when i can report a victory in this area.

p.s. oncologist said i'd lose my hair in 2 weeks. i already have a wig ... there's an interesting story behind that statement. the fingerprints of God can been seen in that story. maybe i'll tell you one day soon. i can't give away all my interesting stories at one time. thanks for letting me express myself creatively and in a real manner... sarcasm and all. it helps me alot.

i love you dearly.

diane

Coming Home on Saturday, Jan 3

I didn't run .... (the flights to Fiji were booked).

Coming back next Friday, Jan 9 to CTCA for a 'port' to be put in in the early morning, and chemo to be administered in the afternoon via 'the port'. I'll come here for one round of chemo (3-4 hours) every three weeks. I'll get chemo 4 times and then be reevaluated ... mri !!!!

i got a massage today. i already booked another one next friday. a foot massage during chemo.

Good nite sleep tight ... and God bless you. If you are praying ... I thank you with all my heart.

Love, Diane

"Lord Jesus, thank you for the 'Body of Christ'. Thank you for each and every person who is reading this. I pray that You would give them the 'desires of their hearts' and fill them with joy. Your joy. You are a good and compassionate
God." Amen.

New Year's Day in Chicago

"When we become aware that we do not have to escape our pains ... those very pains are transformed from expressions of despair to signs of hope."

by Henri Nouwen

I'm not there yet. Want to run. Having a hard time thinking about the decisions I will have to make tomorrow as they suggest my options. Am sore from testing yesterday. This is all getting a little too real for me. Discouraged.

"Oh Lord, You have searched me and You know me. You know when I sit and
when I rise. You perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern between
my going out and my lying down. You are familiar with all my ways. And before a word is on my tongue (blog), You know it completely, o Lord." Psalm 139

God isn't the least bit afraid of my honesty. Hope you're not either. With much appreciation to you for taking the time to read this blog :)