Word of the Day: RIDICULOUS

I have truly been feeling defeated and foolish for my earlier 'ridiculous' prayers. So I've decided to "lay down at His feet" and submit to His will. Rough. It seemed that I was going to have to walk thru this difficult trial without being 'rescued'. Sad. He knows what I need & desire ... and I've said all I can say to Him. I will remain at His feet and submitted to His will ... BUT as of Friday, I have changed my mind about feeling foolish about the 'ridiculous' prayer part. Here's why:

The appointment this past Friday was special because I was meeting with my chief oncologist (whom I haven't seen since chemo began). We'll call him the 'big guy'. CTCA assured me that it was not a pivotal or important appointment. But I thought:

maybe the 'big guy' will see such improvement that he would change my schedule
and and cut my chemo treatments short. ridiculous.

But they assured me that that never happens. Rare at best. I was actually trying to get treatment #4 (out of 6) here in Cleveland. But it didn't work out so i was able to see the 'big guy' in Chicago right before treatment #4 as planned. He came in with a troop of others and examined my tumor and said it felt like healthy tissue, and that it appears that it has pulled away from the chest wall !!! He said:

Today will be your last chemo!!!! When you come back in 3 weeks, you will get an MRI and then see the surgeon for a possible lumpectomy !!!!! Not a mastectomy !!!! He said I was a classic success case for getting chemo before surgery to shrink the tumor.

He basically told me I will be fine. He has 30 years of oncology experience ... I'm trying to rest in his expertise!

You never saw a happier person in the chemo infusion chair that day. I probably had that proverbial good attitude that everyone tells me is so important, but that I haven't been able to muster up before this.

The MRI is the final authority (but don't believe that either ... God is the final authority) ... not a doctor's hands or hunch. So, hey ... may it be even better than what the doctor said. May my lymph nodes be cured, as well. Ridiculous. Simply Ridiculous. I still have a long road ahead of me. Surgery. Possibly more chemo (less dose) and radiation and hormone therapy. It's all about those lymph nodes. But I'm in a ridiculous mood. And want to stay there right now.

Thru this cancer/chemo ordeal ... I have realized that my anxiety is wacko. And has been for years. And God graciously had 2 girlfriends 'waiting in the wings' to help me out. They have prayed with me, cried with me, given me their time, and offered tools to use to ward off the anxiety. And my pastor has been faithful, along with them. God is good. It was not perfect, but the anxiety was definitely better.

Now don't tell anyone I said this (and don't hold me to it) ... but it crossed my mind that this cancer has been a 'gift' of sorts. It has exposed the fact that this high level of anxiety is not necessary ... harmful. If I can go forward to live my life with normal levels of anxiety, then I will indeed have received a gift from this illness. Utterly ridiculous.

I am amazed, and I hope you are. I hope you are encouraged. I'm trying to relish in the moment. Trying to believe it's all true. For today ... I believe it.
So happy you have joined me for this roller coaster ride. Last time, nearly every thing was nasty. This time it was all good. I like "good" better. Here's to ridiculous praying.

Question of the Day: How's your anxiety level?