I must've written a new blog entry 10 times!!! I've erased every one of them!! The words just keep coming out all wrong. Hmph.
What I've been meaning to tell you is that i am have a REALLY hard time with ANXIETY ... faith ... sadness.... and ANXIETY!!!!!
The words anxiety and sadness may not make any sense to you when I tell you that the tumor has shrunk again, and no longer has palpable definitive borders. And how can those words possibly make sense to you when I tell you that the side effects were indeed lessened on days 6,7,8 this time? (that's when they usually go thru the roof!)
It's just the constant-ness of this painful trial. The cumulative problems my body is having week after week. The fact that the 'systemic candidiasis' I have been trying to eradicate for over 11 years is the culprit of the extreme nature of my side effects. I am now on new anti-fungal drugs which helped the side effects on days 6,7,8. Frustrated (I have taken all these drugs at some time during the last 11 years). Tired. The thought of how much more I have to go through. Not knowing what the future holds. Or what the next treatment will hold. I really want and need to handle this with a good attitude ....
But, I'll tell you .. apart from my feelings, there's a little voice in my head reminding me that the Bible tells me that Christ has promised that He'll never leave me. That He will walk thru this with me. I am compelled to believe in Him even when I don't see or feel Him. That's hard. But I know He's God ... there is no other. I have tasted His goodness in the past, and am confident I will see it again. He has not abandoned me. I know He loves me. I'm just wobbly right now.
How about you? Are you wobbly?
"In all their distress, He too was distressed" ... Isaiah 63:9
P.S. We leave for Chicago for treatment #4 (out of 6) on Thursday, March 12. Chemo on Friday. Home on Saturday. I go to Cancer Treatment Ctrs of America for every appointment and treatment. I tried to set something up to get a treatment (or 2 or 3) here in Cleveland ... but it didn't work out. Well pooh.
I was recently wondering how many more treatments you had. Now that I read your blog, I see that you are 1/2 way through. Woo hoo! This Romanian from North Royalton is praying your strenghth and quick recovery.
ReplyDeleteHi Popo!
ReplyDeleteI hear ya! with the anxiety. I was reminded again this weekend to let go of anxious thoughts. How, well of all things a condensed version of Joshua and Caleb. Twelve went to spy on the promised land and ten gave reports of the giants in the land. Only Joshua and Caleb were trusting in the Lord and they are the only ones that God preserved to go into it and they again had to stay "in the truth" that when we see giants we need to remember "Who We Belong To". Joshua 1:6-9
May His Love surround you today!
Thank you for your honesty. I feel wobbly most times, it seems. I am reminded He came to save those in need of a Savior and I need redemption and grace as much today as I did when I first met Him. You are a beautiful soul Diane.
ReplyDeleteI just LOVE the way you do this blog! My prayers will be with you...
Praise God the tumor is shrinking...Diane I am so happy for you. God understands your anxious thoughts and he understands why you feel 'wobbly'. Its all okay...you can stand wobbly in him...for he is your strength and your song...you sing right? He has always brought a song to your heart...right? Psalm 139:23-Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. God is answering your prayers (not exactly as you had planned...but then again HE is GOD!) We love you and are keeping you high and lifted up...shining in the light of His Glory! Pour out your mercy and love as we sing Holy...Holy...Holy!
ReplyDelete'The words anxiety and sadness may not make any sense to you when I tell you that the tumor has shrunk again, and no longer has palpable definitive borders'.
ReplyDeleteThose 2 words make complete sense to me, Di ... and your 'wobbliness' is quite understandable too. My love to you and to Bill ...
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