CANCER IS A GREAT TEACHER

It's been over a year and a half since my last 'treatment'.  I am on a daily pill (5 years) to hold back the estrogen ... and I'm not liking the side effect of WEIGHT GAIN.   FAT.    It's wild.  If I ate this way 4 years ago, I would've been steadily and quickly losing weight.  But nothing.  Nada. 

Well anyhow, enough complaining.  I seem to be the queen of complaining.  But I'm getting better.  Cancer is a great teacher.  But really  ...  I think it's better stated like this "Cancer TREATMENTS are great teachers'.  They are brutal.

I feel like a nearly completely new person most of the time.

Here's my musings on perhaps what I have learned from my trip to the 'land of cancer' ... what I've learned and how I think I've changed ...

1.  Don't even ask me to explain this ... but even though I really didn't have much, if any, PEACE during my treatments (I'd be bold enough to say I was traumatized the entire time) ... the experience some how really solidified the fact that Jesus loves me.  Go figure.  I now know that I know that I know that I am Christ's and He is mine.  I never really doubted my salvation.  But the place I'm in now is really awesome .... I AM HIS DAUGHTER .... He proved it to me in the midst of suffering ... in the midst of unchanging pain and trauma.  Go figure ... I can't explain it .... but it's true.  Beautifully true.

2.  Don't even try to scare me ... because "GOD WILL NEVER LEAVE ME OR FORSAKE ME.  HE IS WITH ME".  So there!

3.  In some ways I am really FREE!   I have stepped out and done some things that terrified me in the past.  God has opened a door for me to work with some 8th grade girls.  And though I've done this in the past ... it was HARD and it left me exhausted and defeated.  This is a new day ... and I am thriving in this role.  GOD.

4.  When I was first diagnosed, I told God that "if I get thru this, I want to sing".  I wasn't bargaining with Him or anything.  I had been so full of anxiety for the last 10 years, that I barely sang.  I was born to sing.  I was born to proclaim the good news thru song.  But I couldn't.  Well .... this is my Jesus:   Near the end of my radiation treatments (the last leg of cancer treatments) ... I got a call from someone who didn't even know me.  She had never heard me sing.  But someone told her to call me.  Because of that phone call ... I ended up singing for 500 women for two consecutive nights!!!!  And the merciful part of it was that I didn't have to sing a solo ... but God let me sing with 3 other women!  He eased me back into the spotlight.  I sang with total joy and freedom.  And I hardly had any hair!!!!!!

5.  I've been moving from singing engagement to singing engagement ever since!  With joy ....(and a few times all by myself ... those were a little more difficult ... but I still rejoice!)

6.  I have never been able to forgive.  I never knew what it really 'looked like' to forgive.  Now ... I am filled with a growing 'grace' towards people.  It's very new for me.  I like it.  It's not easy ... but it's easier than harboring resentment.  Hooray!

7.  The anxiety that has held me captive for years (and got REALLY out of control during and after treatments) is dissapating.  Is this the abundant life that Christ talks about????  It seems like it.  I am not so scared of my own shadow anymore!

8.  I am learning to love.  "Learning" is the key word ....

9.  I have a job now!  My first job in 16 years.  I'm the church secretary for Calvary Reformed Church, in the inner city of Cleveland.  For the first time in my life, I am "working as unto the Lord".  It's only 6-10 hours a week ... but it's just what the doctor ordered. 

10.  His Word is real to me.  I am trying to 'study to show myself approved'.  I want to know WHY I believe what I believe.  I need to back it up with scripture.

Cancer ... a great teacher ... a great transformer (if you let it be).  Do I want to go to that 'school' again ... NO.  I am not painting that kind of picture at all.  I ask for His mercy all the time.  I have a "little baby" anxiety attack every day about it all .... but it goes away.  Once you have cancer treatments, you NEVER forget it. 

The big question I ask myself daily is "Would I get chemo again if  'it' comes back"?    Daily I answer myself  with "no".  I am not afraid to die.  I am not afraid to meet my Jesus.  I am afraid of the slow torture that chemo offers.  I like to look at it like this ... "I would not be 'giving up' ... but rather, I would be throwing myself and my life onto Christ .... letting Him decide.   Not giving up ... but handing the reigns of my life over to the One who made me.  I don't want to hold onto this life so desperately.  I know that this life is to be cherished.  It's not to be discarded so quickly.   But God knows my life from beginning to end.  I love Him for it.  I want to trust Him with my life ... not give it away ... but trust HIM with it.  Did you expect me to be any less "deep" than I have been throughout this whole blog?  Nope ... I run deep.  And Christ runs with me. 

RE-BORN

Without the threat of impending 'procedures' or bad news WE ARE ENJOYING LIFE!  We are loving our humungous back yard.  Loving having people over.... plus the Youth Group on Sunday nights ... that's the best!  Loving the sunshine.  Loving the front yard.  Loving the flowers like crazy.  Loving our vegetable garden.  Loving everything.  Tomorrow has enough worries of it's own.  Today, we are loving LIFE!

ALL CLEAR!!!!!!

Bill and I spent a jam-packed day at 'Cancer Treatments Centers of America' in Chicago on Monday, May 24.   We went there very sobered, and prepared for anything.  You see ... I had a scan done here at home before we left, and it gave us a cause for concern.  But after arriving at the awesome and wonderful place called CTCA ... and after they poked me way too many times (because my veins will not cooperate) ... and scanned me way too many times .... my oncologist gave me good news.  They didn't find anything!  They found no cause for concern!  And he also thinks I have a bright future ahead of me!!!!    I'll take it!

God is good no matter what.  I will praise Him in life and in death.  So all is well no matter what. But we are relieved and grateful to be praising Him on this side of suffering.  WAHOOOEY!

Psalm 18:10  The name of the Lord is a strong tower.  The righteous run to it and are safe.

HAIR, ETC.

Tomorrow I'm getting my first real-live hair cut at a salon in over 1 1/2 years!  My hair is so curly!  I like it!

My bones ache from the Tamoxifen.  And I've gained a lovely 20 pounds.  I think it's Tamoxifen plus the instant menopause (caused by the chemo). 

My arm is still killing me (surgery and mostly radiation).

But I am cheerful ... hopeful ... energetic.  That is truly a gift. 

I am also sleeping fairly well.  Am no longer depressed.  And have basically have no need to take anxiety meds.  This is due to my awesome Naturopath at CTCA.  I'm on some natural supplements that have totally helped!

Life is leveling itself out.  I go to Chicago for my first follow-up appointment on May 24.  I know how one doctor appointment can change your life.  Hmmmmm.  All I know is that I have today.  And that's good enough.  I'm alot braver than I was before cancer came to visit me.  And I'm alot calmer.  Still crazy-hyper sometimes .... but alot calmer most of the time.

Jesus ... please continue to cultivate gratefulness in my heart and mind.  And please allow us to relax more and more every day.  Please give us great healthy bodies, so that we can serve You and enjoy you and the people around us.  Amen.

I LIKE IT

I kind of like this little 'spot' ... this 'blogspot' that has my name on it.  Somehow it makes me feel safe and comfortable.  It's a familiar place for me to come to.  And I don't even need to say much.  Because it's my spot.  I like it.

It's a beautiful, yet brisk day where I live.  I had a good, long conversation today over a cup of tea with a friend.  I came home and made homemade carrot/spinach juice for Andrew and Bill and me.  Now I'm making a "real"  meal for my "boys" (someone told me once that I should  not call them my "boys" ... i should call them my "men").  I don't know, I just think it's more cozy to call them my boys.  They are out in the backyard doing productive man-like things.  I like that.  And because I've shared my heart today with a good friend already today, somehow I don't mind spending lots of time in the kitchen making a good meal or two.  Peaceful.  Content.  Wish every day could hold my heart in it's hand like this.

1 Thessalonians 4:11 says ....

"Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands."  


P.S.  The meal burned as I sat here and typed this blog.  Now that's .... real life.  It's still edible (at least most of it).

HEALING

Healing can't be rushed ....

I'm almost on the road to victory.  I'm not on the road yet.  But I can see it in the future.  I can taste it.  I don't know what it means.  I don't have a definition of it.  I just know I was born to do something big.  Maybe not big to anyone but God. 

 "God created in advance, good works for me to do."  (Ephesians 2:10) 

But healing can't be rushed.  There's a time for everything.  May pain and suffering complete it's good work in me.  (Isaiah 45:3)

Show me, Lord.  You know my heart's desire ...

IT HAS BEEN SAID .....

I once heard James Dobson of Focus on the Family say ....

 "Women are very strong.  A woman can get through anything.    But when it's over ... she collapses."

I concur ....

Signed,

A Woman :)

Getting Back to Normal?

Someone said to me near the end of radiation "Once you get thru these treatments you can get back to your old self ... you can get on with living your life ... just like before".

Stop.  Think.  Selah.

When a young soldier has been to Iraq and had friends die in his arms ... seen friends blown up in front of his own eyes ... has seen even his enemies shot to death.  Will he come home and be the 'same old guy'?  Don't think so.

If someone has been through invasive and scary procedures time and time again.  If they've been thru devastating chemotherapy ... then surgery that has left them mal-figured and sore ... followed by radiation that was supposed to leave them 'okay', yet they can't move their arm without pain 4 months later.  And then they're taking a drug for the next 5 years, that causes every bone in their body to ache.   Then the pervasive thought "What if IT returns?"

I don't think life will ever be as it was before I went to Iraq ..uh ... I mean went thru cancer treatments. 

I am dealing with life-changing anxiety ... and depression.

"He is close to the broken-hearted".  Be close to me, Jesus.  I believe.  I just don't feel. 

RIDICULOUS REVISITED

I finished all my daily radiation treatments (33 of them) on October 2, 2009.  Still recuperating... but all is well.  Compared to others, I sailed thru it.   Well now ... isn't that refreshing to hear?  I must be growing up.  :)

This Saturday (Nov 14) Bill, Andrew and I leave for Cancer Treatment Ctrs of America in Chicago for at least 5 days.  Andrew's never been a part of this journey to Chicago and we wanted him to share it with us.  I"ll be getting my port surgerically removed on Tuesday the 17th.  Then I"ll see the oncologist, etc., etc., etc.

We're going to see some of Chicago on the weekend before our hospital visit.  Fun in Chicago .... imagine that ... I never thought I'd see the day ....

I thought all my ridiculous God stories with doctors were over ... but they're not.  Guess what happened yesterday ...

I went to the chiropractor.  He's kinda of new to me.  He was pressing on a pressure point to relieve some stupid pain in my arm.  As he was standing there I asked him ... "So is this about nerves or muscles?"  Do you know what he said?  "IT'S ABOUT GOD".  What the ..... ?  So I said "God.... ummm ... Father, Son, Holy Spirit?"  He said "YES."   I said "IS JESUS GOD?"  He said 'YES'.  That was about the end of that.  It seemed like that's all I needed to say.  Afterward I talked with the office manager, and she confirmed that the chiropractor is definitely a follower of Christ.  A Christian.  Very cool.

New topic:

I told the Lord when I was first diagnosed, that if I got through this that I would sing.  I've been wracked with fear over singing publicly for years.  So wouldn't you know it, someone I don't even know actually asked me to sing at a pretty large event during the Christmas season!  I had a knee-jerk reaction ... but I'm gonna do it.  I'll be with a few other women so it won't seem AS vulnerable.  I'm looking for strength and freedom from God.  I want to soar.   Fly free!  Sing free!  I mean ... I leaned into God during this whole cancer journey.  I cried in His direction.  I didn't run from Him.  I ran to Him.  And I still believe.  So I will sing. 

Now to end with the ridiculous.  Bill had a biopsy on his thyroid last week, and it has suscipious atypical cells.  They are assuming cancer and want to remove his thyroid.  They also said he has Hashimoto's Disease, which is an auto-immune response against the thyroid.  So ... hopefully while we're in Chicago at CTCA, he will be able to get a second opinion there.  I find this all ridiculous.  And we are rather shaken by it.  But we are still in 'warrior' mode.  And we have found that even though horrible things happen in this life ... God is near.  No promises for an easy life.  But He promises  His nearness ... and His love.  It's hard to explain.  I hope you don't think I'm making it up.  I have a whole new take on what it means to walk thru this life with Jesus Christ.  He hasn't promised me an easy life ... just an eternal one.  He is worth following.  His rewards are very rich. 

I have loved you for reading my blogs.  I'll write at least one more after I return from Chicago. 

"You are loved with an Everlasting Love.  And beneath you are His everlasting Arms"

Yours .... Diane

IT'S BEEN A WHILE

Facebook has really usurped my blogging.  I love facebook and feel like I can communicate to lots of people.  It's been a huge prayer support for me.  But I'll get back to this blog soon.  I'd like to turn this blog into a memory book.  How could I print it out?  Anybody know?

Okay ... I can stop gaining weight now .... ahhhhhh!

I'M BETTER!!!

I've just finished 5 weeks (23 days) of radiation.  The fatigue didn't stick!  I'm doing very well!  .... Always fighting skin burns, but the dr. continues to use the word 'phenomenal' in terms of my skin.  And I'm very thankful to The Lord for my energy, and the lack of real skin problems during radiation.

"Lord ... I acknowledge You as the Giver of All Good Things.  So, Thank you for these really good things in my life."

P.S.  10 more days (2 weeks) of radiation!
P.P.S.  It actually feels s-t-r-a-n-g-e to not complain, or express fear here on this blog site .... but I'll take it!  Yahoo!

PRAY FOR ME?

Yah .. so no one ever complains about radiation.   But I am.  The radiation is making it hard for me to function (fatigue, sore). I so need prayer. Bill read this prayer to me this morning from our favorite book by Beth Moore (called "Praying God's Word"):

Father God, I ask You to lead me when I'm blinded by ways I have not known, along unfamiliar paths please guide me; Lord, turn the darkness into light before me and make the rough places smooth. I pray these are the things You will do; I know You will not forsake me.   (Isaiah 42:16)

When I'm sick I feel forsaken and scared ... but The Word of God tells me that that's a lie I shouldn't believe. Amen.

TODAY I WENT TO CHURCH WITHOUT A SCARF OR WIG!!!!!

I'm very brave and courageous!    It's been 11 weeks since my last chemo. I actually am starting to think that I look better like this than with hair! I'm sure others would differ.   Except my husband of course ... he thinks I'm THE most gorgeous bald woman ever!

Every morning I wake up and greet myself in the mirror "Good Morning, Uncle Fester!"

"A joyful heart is good medicine" .... (someplace in the Bible)

RADIATION FATIGUE!

So last week I wrote how full of energy I was. HAH! Fatigue and disturbing sore-ness have hit with a vengence!!!!! I'm exhausted when I'm lying down!!! Oh my goodness!!!! 15 days of radiation left!!!!

"Help me not to be afraid.  Help me to stand firm.  You, Lord, will fight for me.  Help me only to be still."    Exodus 14:13

I HAVE AN EXEMPLARY 14-YEAR OLD SON

That's all I wanted to say.

PHENOMENAL TWICE

A quick note to say that I'm half-way thru the daily (yes, daily) 33 radiation treatments. Today the nurse used the word 'phenomenal' twice while evaluating my skin. The doctor and nurse want me to bring in the lotion that I've been using (the CTCA naturopath recommended organic coconut oil). And the radiation oncologist said I may be doing so well (skin and lots of energy) because of the supplements I'm taking (all from CTCA). Well, that was encouraging. Who wants to spend gobs of money on supplements that do nothing! And I always wonder if I'm wasting money!

My Petri dish wants the extra location-specific treatments (they call it cone-down) ... thanks for praying. :(  I DO BELIEVE God is in control. I'm on the cusp of whether or not it will be beneficial. I guess it's my age. 50 and up ... the studies say it may not benefit. Below 50 ... the studies say it is a benefit. I'm just over 50. Well. We had a good talk with the doctor at the local hospital here in Cleveland (whom we came to mistrust). We confronted him with some of our concerns in terms of his medical integrity. It all worked out well ... with lots of love, peace and harmony (I grew up in the Hippy era) ... hahaha. I'll be done with radiation at the beginning of October.

Every day I get on that radiation table and keep repeating "I will trust in The Lord". It helps. It's a matter of the will, I guess. My Petri dish loves you.

PETRI DISH

PETRI DISH: A Petri dish is a shallow glass or plastic cylindrical lidded dish that biologists use to culture cells.

So ... my mom tells me this story about how there was a science experiment done with two petri dishes of human cells. They weren't necessarily sick cells ... just cells. They had people praying for a long time for the one petri dish, but not the other. (I know ... it's weird .. but stick with me). The dish that was being prayed for ended up with stronger and healthier cells. The other one ended up with weaker and not as healthy cells. I wonder who conducted that study? Anyhow ... I am renewed thinking about it. And so it's prompted me to ask for prayer.

Get a load of this: I've almost finished 2 weeks of daily radiation (9 days worth). I met with my local radiation oncologist today (who gives me the willies ... have a hard time communicating with him). My mom says he's "Best Cuts" ... don't make me explain my mother's humor. Anyhow ... I've digressed. I reminded him that he was going to retrieve my MRI films from Chicago (Cancer Treatment Ctrs of America). He said that he needed to see them to see if my treatment will be altered at all. So when I brought it up this week, I got kind of scared at his response. He said "Well, I'll have to call in the experts (at this point I'm thinking ... aren't YOU the expert?). I also immediately start thinking ... "Oh no!!! CTCA lied to make themselves looks good!!! They didn't get all the cancer!!....

BUT NO!!!! The Dr. said "You may not need the last heavier dose of radiation ... the extra week we tagged on may be unnecessary."

Now ladies and gentlemen ... this is really encouraging!!!! Right now I could just hug CTCA .... the whole building!!! So could you consider me the petri dish that was prayed for? Could you pray for me? My cells would appreciate it. Not to mention ... my whole little self (that is slowly growing from having a consistent appetite again!).

I have wrestled with God and myself over this radiation process. I really have wrestled to get free from fear.   I have had to do it before each and every treatment/procedure/chemo. So why would this be any different? But I am finally at a place where I lay on that table and put it in God's hands. But I must not be totally successful at it ... because I can't quite breathe during the 2 minutes or so that the beam is on me! I don't THINK I'm anxious ... but then when they leave the room and turn the machine on ... I feel like I can't catch my breath!!!! Ahhhhhh! I feel like running out of the room screaming. But it only lasts a few minutes. I enter smiling and joking and I leave smiling and joking. Nobody but God sees my inner turmoil in those few minutes.

My fear does not diminish His power. He is Father, Son, Holy Spirit. Just like you learned as a kid ... nothing strange .. just powerful ... and willing to meet me where I'm at. He let's me go thru my antics ... and then I reach a point where I can rest ... not because things will be okay on this planet ... but because He has promised never to leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13). And ... this life is not all there is. So either way ... I win. I'm just honest enough to admit that the ride is terrifying at times. Well ... I'll let you know how my Petri dish does next week. Cancer has made me say something I used to never say to anyone but my husband and son ....

I LOVE YOU.

P.S. It's been 9 weeks since my last chemo... and just today I think I can say that my hair is starting to grow back. Wahoo!

RADIATION

Question: Does radiation hurt? Answer: At the time they give it to you ... not at all!

Question: How long does it take each time? Answer: The beam hits in two different spots ... about 1 minute each. I'm on the 'table' about 5-10 minutes as they set me and the machine up. It moves like a robot around me to the different areas.

Question: Where do you go for radiation treatments ... Chicago? Answer: No ... I've chosen to stay in Cleveland & get my treatments thru Fairview Hospital

Question: Do you go daily? Answer: Yes ... daily for 33 treatments (no weekends). I'll be done by the first week in October (maybe the last week in September)

Question: Do you mind it? Answer: Stupid question ....

It seems like the struggle is getting my faith to meet my life. I continue to battle the dreaded foe ... the worst foe ... FEAR.   YET Fear and Courage are walking side by side.    But a little less fear would be terrific. God knows how I am made. And I am "fearfully and wonderfully made". Oh yah.

So I've got 4 radiation treatments under my belt ... 29 to go. I'm sore. Trying not to 'expect' the nasty early side effects. 'Trying' is a big word for Diane.

Right now I wonder if my hair will EVER grow back???? Why is it that only the greys have held on for dear life???? I have to keep shaving my head. It's just not normal to shave your head!!! At least not if you're a woman! I miss my eyebrows and lashes. When I get up in the morning and look in the mirror ... I feel like Uncle Festor. Is that his name? The guy with the light bulb in his mouth from 'The Adams Family' tv show from the 70's. Hahaha ... it's true! It's pretty easy to get ready in the morning though. No blow dryer, razor, etc.

I feel like when I introduce myself, I should shake the person's hand and say "Hello ... I've got cancer". I feel like I don't even have a name anymore. I've lost my identity to this crazy disease and it's treatments. One day it'll all be better. But for today ... it's my reality.

Question: What side effects can you get from radiation? Answer: Early effects are Fatigue, Nauseousness, Skin burns, No appetite. Late effects? Check out the poll for one. But maybe I won't get ANY!!!!! In the words of my young sojourner, Andrea ... "I am way tooo cool to get a secondary cancer!!"

Truthfully ... it'll be better than chemotherapy. Yup. But I don't have to like it, do I???? Jesus has said ... "In this world you will have many trials ... but take heart ... I have overcome the world". Okay.

Our family did something fun (imagine that!). Bill and I were counselors at Barbershop 'Harmony Camp' where Andrew (14) was a 'camper'. It was at THE Ohio State University. It was a major blast and after 5 full days with over 300 high school students ... we slept in til 5pm the day after we got back!!!! It was worth every minute of it!

If you are at all interested in driving with me to/from radiation one day a week ... I'm taking applications for Wednesdays. It's a little over one hour from door to door. My door in Brooklyn, that is. On the road by 1pm ... radiation at 1:30 ... home a little after 2pm. Okay. I've got a mix of the good, the bad, and the faithful ... so I guess that's all for now.

MY ALTER-EGO

I decided to let my alter-ego write this particular blog entry. It needs to handle this whole thing like I should be handling it. You know ... well-balanced and less emotional. So here's what my alter-ego has to say ...

Hi. Diane's alter-ego here. I just wanted to tell you that I'm just going to face the next leg of this journey rather stoic-ly. I will do what I need to do. I will take the radiation therapy believing that all will be well. I probably won't have side effects, and if I do, it won't be bad, and if it is, then I'll get through it. It will pass,
and I won't be harmed. I trust my new radiation oncologist with my health. He's a smart guy. And why would I be the 1, 2, or 3 out of a hundred to get a secondary cancer from the radiation? I'm not going to waste my time by living in the future. Living in the future steals the joy from my today. So, I guess that's it. I'm bringing every thought captive, and refusing to let my mind take me places it shouldn't go. That would do no good. I'm in a good spot, and look forward to the day when this is over and I'm cancer free. And I know this won't come back. It was a challenging and character-building experience for which I am grateful.

Diane here again ... thank you for that interesting blog, alter-ego. I hope I can learn some things from you. Good nite.