I HAVE AN EXEMPLARY 14-YEAR OLD SON

That's all I wanted to say.

PHENOMENAL TWICE

A quick note to say that I'm half-way thru the daily (yes, daily) 33 radiation treatments. Today the nurse used the word 'phenomenal' twice while evaluating my skin. The doctor and nurse want me to bring in the lotion that I've been using (the CTCA naturopath recommended organic coconut oil). And the radiation oncologist said I may be doing so well (skin and lots of energy) because of the supplements I'm taking (all from CTCA). Well, that was encouraging. Who wants to spend gobs of money on supplements that do nothing! And I always wonder if I'm wasting money!

My Petri dish wants the extra location-specific treatments (they call it cone-down) ... thanks for praying. :(  I DO BELIEVE God is in control. I'm on the cusp of whether or not it will be beneficial. I guess it's my age. 50 and up ... the studies say it may not benefit. Below 50 ... the studies say it is a benefit. I'm just over 50. Well. We had a good talk with the doctor at the local hospital here in Cleveland (whom we came to mistrust). We confronted him with some of our concerns in terms of his medical integrity. It all worked out well ... with lots of love, peace and harmony (I grew up in the Hippy era) ... hahaha. I'll be done with radiation at the beginning of October.

Every day I get on that radiation table and keep repeating "I will trust in The Lord". It helps. It's a matter of the will, I guess. My Petri dish loves you.

PETRI DISH

PETRI DISH: A Petri dish is a shallow glass or plastic cylindrical lidded dish that biologists use to culture cells.

So ... my mom tells me this story about how there was a science experiment done with two petri dishes of human cells. They weren't necessarily sick cells ... just cells. They had people praying for a long time for the one petri dish, but not the other. (I know ... it's weird .. but stick with me). The dish that was being prayed for ended up with stronger and healthier cells. The other one ended up with weaker and not as healthy cells. I wonder who conducted that study? Anyhow ... I am renewed thinking about it. And so it's prompted me to ask for prayer.

Get a load of this: I've almost finished 2 weeks of daily radiation (9 days worth). I met with my local radiation oncologist today (who gives me the willies ... have a hard time communicating with him). My mom says he's "Best Cuts" ... don't make me explain my mother's humor. Anyhow ... I've digressed. I reminded him that he was going to retrieve my MRI films from Chicago (Cancer Treatment Ctrs of America). He said that he needed to see them to see if my treatment will be altered at all. So when I brought it up this week, I got kind of scared at his response. He said "Well, I'll have to call in the experts (at this point I'm thinking ... aren't YOU the expert?). I also immediately start thinking ... "Oh no!!! CTCA lied to make themselves looks good!!! They didn't get all the cancer!!....

BUT NO!!!! The Dr. said "You may not need the last heavier dose of radiation ... the extra week we tagged on may be unnecessary."

Now ladies and gentlemen ... this is really encouraging!!!! Right now I could just hug CTCA .... the whole building!!! So could you consider me the petri dish that was prayed for? Could you pray for me? My cells would appreciate it. Not to mention ... my whole little self (that is slowly growing from having a consistent appetite again!).

I have wrestled with God and myself over this radiation process. I really have wrestled to get free from fear.   I have had to do it before each and every treatment/procedure/chemo. So why would this be any different? But I am finally at a place where I lay on that table and put it in God's hands. But I must not be totally successful at it ... because I can't quite breathe during the 2 minutes or so that the beam is on me! I don't THINK I'm anxious ... but then when they leave the room and turn the machine on ... I feel like I can't catch my breath!!!! Ahhhhhh! I feel like running out of the room screaming. But it only lasts a few minutes. I enter smiling and joking and I leave smiling and joking. Nobody but God sees my inner turmoil in those few minutes.

My fear does not diminish His power. He is Father, Son, Holy Spirit. Just like you learned as a kid ... nothing strange .. just powerful ... and willing to meet me where I'm at. He let's me go thru my antics ... and then I reach a point where I can rest ... not because things will be okay on this planet ... but because He has promised never to leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13). And ... this life is not all there is. So either way ... I win. I'm just honest enough to admit that the ride is terrifying at times. Well ... I'll let you know how my Petri dish does next week. Cancer has made me say something I used to never say to anyone but my husband and son ....

I LOVE YOU.

P.S. It's been 9 weeks since my last chemo... and just today I think I can say that my hair is starting to grow back. Wahoo!

RADIATION

Question: Does radiation hurt? Answer: At the time they give it to you ... not at all!

Question: How long does it take each time? Answer: The beam hits in two different spots ... about 1 minute each. I'm on the 'table' about 5-10 minutes as they set me and the machine up. It moves like a robot around me to the different areas.

Question: Where do you go for radiation treatments ... Chicago? Answer: No ... I've chosen to stay in Cleveland & get my treatments thru Fairview Hospital

Question: Do you go daily? Answer: Yes ... daily for 33 treatments (no weekends). I'll be done by the first week in October (maybe the last week in September)

Question: Do you mind it? Answer: Stupid question ....

It seems like the struggle is getting my faith to meet my life. I continue to battle the dreaded foe ... the worst foe ... FEAR.   YET Fear and Courage are walking side by side.    But a little less fear would be terrific. God knows how I am made. And I am "fearfully and wonderfully made". Oh yah.

So I've got 4 radiation treatments under my belt ... 29 to go. I'm sore. Trying not to 'expect' the nasty early side effects. 'Trying' is a big word for Diane.

Right now I wonder if my hair will EVER grow back???? Why is it that only the greys have held on for dear life???? I have to keep shaving my head. It's just not normal to shave your head!!! At least not if you're a woman! I miss my eyebrows and lashes. When I get up in the morning and look in the mirror ... I feel like Uncle Festor. Is that his name? The guy with the light bulb in his mouth from 'The Adams Family' tv show from the 70's. Hahaha ... it's true! It's pretty easy to get ready in the morning though. No blow dryer, razor, etc.

I feel like when I introduce myself, I should shake the person's hand and say "Hello ... I've got cancer". I feel like I don't even have a name anymore. I've lost my identity to this crazy disease and it's treatments. One day it'll all be better. But for today ... it's my reality.

Question: What side effects can you get from radiation? Answer: Early effects are Fatigue, Nauseousness, Skin burns, No appetite. Late effects? Check out the poll for one. But maybe I won't get ANY!!!!! In the words of my young sojourner, Andrea ... "I am way tooo cool to get a secondary cancer!!"

Truthfully ... it'll be better than chemotherapy. Yup. But I don't have to like it, do I???? Jesus has said ... "In this world you will have many trials ... but take heart ... I have overcome the world". Okay.

Our family did something fun (imagine that!). Bill and I were counselors at Barbershop 'Harmony Camp' where Andrew (14) was a 'camper'. It was at THE Ohio State University. It was a major blast and after 5 full days with over 300 high school students ... we slept in til 5pm the day after we got back!!!! It was worth every minute of it!

If you are at all interested in driving with me to/from radiation one day a week ... I'm taking applications for Wednesdays. It's a little over one hour from door to door. My door in Brooklyn, that is. On the road by 1pm ... radiation at 1:30 ... home a little after 2pm. Okay. I've got a mix of the good, the bad, and the faithful ... so I guess that's all for now.

MY ALTER-EGO

I decided to let my alter-ego write this particular blog entry. It needs to handle this whole thing like I should be handling it. You know ... well-balanced and less emotional. So here's what my alter-ego has to say ...

Hi. Diane's alter-ego here. I just wanted to tell you that I'm just going to face the next leg of this journey rather stoic-ly. I will do what I need to do. I will take the radiation therapy believing that all will be well. I probably won't have side effects, and if I do, it won't be bad, and if it is, then I'll get through it. It will pass,
and I won't be harmed. I trust my new radiation oncologist with my health. He's a smart guy. And why would I be the 1, 2, or 3 out of a hundred to get a secondary cancer from the radiation? I'm not going to waste my time by living in the future. Living in the future steals the joy from my today. So, I guess that's it. I'm bringing every thought captive, and refusing to let my mind take me places it shouldn't go. That would do no good. I'm in a good spot, and look forward to the day when this is over and I'm cancer free. And I know this won't come back. It was a challenging and character-building experience for which I am grateful.

Diane here again ... thank you for that interesting blog, alter-ego. I hope I can learn some things from you. Good nite.

CLOSER THAN BREATHING

I always need to remind myself why I write in this blog. It's not a medical update ... no .... it's not for the general public .... no ... it's not totally for prayer ..... it's not to pollute the air with my fear and thus embarrass myself ... no ... I think it's a creative outlet for ME. It's a gift ... to myself. I think it's my way of expressing my deep beliefs in spite of chronic panic.

Last night I joined a somewhat large gathering of women (I snuck in late and left early) in worship at Grace Church. Words on the screen. Female worship band. Scripture. Prayer. Mostly singing. It was an interesting and revealing experience. It has to do with being in what I call "The Pool of Suffering". I think others in this 'pool' may relate to it. As I listened to the music and watched the words I thought:

"I do not have to strive for God right now. I haven't had to in
months. In my pain ... He has been there. He's cotton-pickin' right
there. He's just closer than breathing. On the outside ... I'm
consistently surrounded by terrifying procedures, illness, depression,
isolation, dangerous chemicals, etc ... but somehow I haven't had to search for
Him. I'm not wondering where He is. He's right with me.

It's an odd experience. And throughout this trial I have worshipped Him thru a veil of tears. It's so real. So honest. And it hit me again last night. What a precious place I'm in. What a privileged place. Not a happy place at all ... but maybe one day I'll look back and be jealous for this place again. To be so desperate in my physical body and my emotions ... yet so close to the Lord. To worship WHILE suffering. It's quite a concept. It feels quite 'true'.

"He has promised never to leave me nor forsake me" ... so
simple. so profound. so true.

Switching gears: So ... now for the medical stuff. It's been 4 weeks since my FINAL chemo. I'm bald AGAIN. That was difficult. My last chemo was nasty. I'm still fighting effects, but am functioning quite well! I've met with a radiation oncologist here at Fairview Hospital and will begin DAILY radiation treatments in Cleveland on August 17 for 6 weeks. I know you'll be surprized that I was questioning my need for radiation. hahahaha. And I again told the Lord that I will most definitely follow His lead.... not the doctors. Where He leads I will follow. Beats me why He wants me to go down this incredibly toxic path. But once again we felt that God provided the needed peace when the preliminary nurse casully said

"Dr. Hercsbergs is way more interested in supplements and vitamins than any
other radiation oncologist on staff here".

I didn't really know anything about this doctor ... YET GOD ... put our hearts at ease with that statement. D a r n! I'm so tired about having peace to get thru a dangerous treatment plan!!! This would not be MY plan at all!! But I am not my own.

I was really hoping that something RIDICULOUS would transpire and that I would be spared from this rotten radiation. But it appears that that's not going to happen. But I'm ALWAYS looking for signs of the Almighty. I can't seem to leave the 'hope' and 'ridiculousness' behind. I think it's kinda cool ...

I feel a need to tell you that I asked the doctor about the 'secondary cancers' I can get from radiation. He said:

"Ah yes ... secondary cancers ... we'll yours would be lung cancer" .... I said
"I don't want lung cancer, doctor". And he put his head down and said
"neither do I". How can he sleep at night?

And I also found out that this treatment is not 'personalized' in any way ... it is not based on ME. It's all protocol. I may even be cancer-free. But they do no testing before or after radiation. I am just on a people-mover called "protocol". I hate that word. Stupid word.

So there you have it ... MY PRAYER REQUEST TO JESUS, MY CHRIST .... please join me in praying that He would protect me from harm. Late side effect: cancer .... Immediate side effect: nasty skin burning on the area that is being radiated and fatigue. Protection. Protection. Protection.

I always think I'm going to make this short and sweet (or unsweet) ... but it rarely works that way. So sorry. But I do need to remember that this blog is a gift to myself. And I can't tell you how blest I am that you are reading it. I hope you are blest in a real strange way. Strange because of the suffering (and complaining) combined with strength ... and growth ... and tranformation. May I not come out of this the same person I was when I came into it!!!!!!!

Is God using some pain in YOUR life to tranform YOU?

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Forever His Daughter,

Diane

I'VE HAD IT !!!!!

I've had my fill of losing hair, growing hair, and losing it again. Of sickness. Of pain. Of fear. Have I missed anything? I am definitely NOT a person of whom my husband will say "Through all her pain, I never heard my dear wife complain". I wish ........