RADIATION

Question: Does radiation hurt? Answer: At the time they give it to you ... not at all!

Question: How long does it take each time? Answer: The beam hits in two different spots ... about 1 minute each. I'm on the 'table' about 5-10 minutes as they set me and the machine up. It moves like a robot around me to the different areas.

Question: Where do you go for radiation treatments ... Chicago? Answer: No ... I've chosen to stay in Cleveland & get my treatments thru Fairview Hospital

Question: Do you go daily? Answer: Yes ... daily for 33 treatments (no weekends). I'll be done by the first week in October (maybe the last week in September)

Question: Do you mind it? Answer: Stupid question ....

It seems like the struggle is getting my faith to meet my life. I continue to battle the dreaded foe ... the worst foe ... FEAR.   YET Fear and Courage are walking side by side.    But a little less fear would be terrific. God knows how I am made. And I am "fearfully and wonderfully made". Oh yah.

So I've got 4 radiation treatments under my belt ... 29 to go. I'm sore. Trying not to 'expect' the nasty early side effects. 'Trying' is a big word for Diane.

Right now I wonder if my hair will EVER grow back???? Why is it that only the greys have held on for dear life???? I have to keep shaving my head. It's just not normal to shave your head!!! At least not if you're a woman! I miss my eyebrows and lashes. When I get up in the morning and look in the mirror ... I feel like Uncle Festor. Is that his name? The guy with the light bulb in his mouth from 'The Adams Family' tv show from the 70's. Hahaha ... it's true! It's pretty easy to get ready in the morning though. No blow dryer, razor, etc.

I feel like when I introduce myself, I should shake the person's hand and say "Hello ... I've got cancer". I feel like I don't even have a name anymore. I've lost my identity to this crazy disease and it's treatments. One day it'll all be better. But for today ... it's my reality.

Question: What side effects can you get from radiation? Answer: Early effects are Fatigue, Nauseousness, Skin burns, No appetite. Late effects? Check out the poll for one. But maybe I won't get ANY!!!!! In the words of my young sojourner, Andrea ... "I am way tooo cool to get a secondary cancer!!"

Truthfully ... it'll be better than chemotherapy. Yup. But I don't have to like it, do I???? Jesus has said ... "In this world you will have many trials ... but take heart ... I have overcome the world". Okay.

Our family did something fun (imagine that!). Bill and I were counselors at Barbershop 'Harmony Camp' where Andrew (14) was a 'camper'. It was at THE Ohio State University. It was a major blast and after 5 full days with over 300 high school students ... we slept in til 5pm the day after we got back!!!! It was worth every minute of it!

If you are at all interested in driving with me to/from radiation one day a week ... I'm taking applications for Wednesdays. It's a little over one hour from door to door. My door in Brooklyn, that is. On the road by 1pm ... radiation at 1:30 ... home a little after 2pm. Okay. I've got a mix of the good, the bad, and the faithful ... so I guess that's all for now.

MY ALTER-EGO

I decided to let my alter-ego write this particular blog entry. It needs to handle this whole thing like I should be handling it. You know ... well-balanced and less emotional. So here's what my alter-ego has to say ...

Hi. Diane's alter-ego here. I just wanted to tell you that I'm just going to face the next leg of this journey rather stoic-ly. I will do what I need to do. I will take the radiation therapy believing that all will be well. I probably won't have side effects, and if I do, it won't be bad, and if it is, then I'll get through it. It will pass,
and I won't be harmed. I trust my new radiation oncologist with my health. He's a smart guy. And why would I be the 1, 2, or 3 out of a hundred to get a secondary cancer from the radiation? I'm not going to waste my time by living in the future. Living in the future steals the joy from my today. So, I guess that's it. I'm bringing every thought captive, and refusing to let my mind take me places it shouldn't go. That would do no good. I'm in a good spot, and look forward to the day when this is over and I'm cancer free. And I know this won't come back. It was a challenging and character-building experience for which I am grateful.

Diane here again ... thank you for that interesting blog, alter-ego. I hope I can learn some things from you. Good nite.

CLOSER THAN BREATHING

I always need to remind myself why I write in this blog. It's not a medical update ... no .... it's not for the general public .... no ... it's not totally for prayer ..... it's not to pollute the air with my fear and thus embarrass myself ... no ... I think it's a creative outlet for ME. It's a gift ... to myself. I think it's my way of expressing my deep beliefs in spite of chronic panic.

Last night I joined a somewhat large gathering of women (I snuck in late and left early) in worship at Grace Church. Words on the screen. Female worship band. Scripture. Prayer. Mostly singing. It was an interesting and revealing experience. It has to do with being in what I call "The Pool of Suffering". I think others in this 'pool' may relate to it. As I listened to the music and watched the words I thought:

"I do not have to strive for God right now. I haven't had to in
months. In my pain ... He has been there. He's cotton-pickin' right
there. He's just closer than breathing. On the outside ... I'm
consistently surrounded by terrifying procedures, illness, depression,
isolation, dangerous chemicals, etc ... but somehow I haven't had to search for
Him. I'm not wondering where He is. He's right with me.

It's an odd experience. And throughout this trial I have worshipped Him thru a veil of tears. It's so real. So honest. And it hit me again last night. What a precious place I'm in. What a privileged place. Not a happy place at all ... but maybe one day I'll look back and be jealous for this place again. To be so desperate in my physical body and my emotions ... yet so close to the Lord. To worship WHILE suffering. It's quite a concept. It feels quite 'true'.

"He has promised never to leave me nor forsake me" ... so
simple. so profound. so true.

Switching gears: So ... now for the medical stuff. It's been 4 weeks since my FINAL chemo. I'm bald AGAIN. That was difficult. My last chemo was nasty. I'm still fighting effects, but am functioning quite well! I've met with a radiation oncologist here at Fairview Hospital and will begin DAILY radiation treatments in Cleveland on August 17 for 6 weeks. I know you'll be surprized that I was questioning my need for radiation. hahahaha. And I again told the Lord that I will most definitely follow His lead.... not the doctors. Where He leads I will follow. Beats me why He wants me to go down this incredibly toxic path. But once again we felt that God provided the needed peace when the preliminary nurse casully said

"Dr. Hercsbergs is way more interested in supplements and vitamins than any
other radiation oncologist on staff here".

I didn't really know anything about this doctor ... YET GOD ... put our hearts at ease with that statement. D a r n! I'm so tired about having peace to get thru a dangerous treatment plan!!! This would not be MY plan at all!! But I am not my own.

I was really hoping that something RIDICULOUS would transpire and that I would be spared from this rotten radiation. But it appears that that's not going to happen. But I'm ALWAYS looking for signs of the Almighty. I can't seem to leave the 'hope' and 'ridiculousness' behind. I think it's kinda cool ...

I feel a need to tell you that I asked the doctor about the 'secondary cancers' I can get from radiation. He said:

"Ah yes ... secondary cancers ... we'll yours would be lung cancer" .... I said
"I don't want lung cancer, doctor". And he put his head down and said
"neither do I". How can he sleep at night?

And I also found out that this treatment is not 'personalized' in any way ... it is not based on ME. It's all protocol. I may even be cancer-free. But they do no testing before or after radiation. I am just on a people-mover called "protocol". I hate that word. Stupid word.

So there you have it ... MY PRAYER REQUEST TO JESUS, MY CHRIST .... please join me in praying that He would protect me from harm. Late side effect: cancer .... Immediate side effect: nasty skin burning on the area that is being radiated and fatigue. Protection. Protection. Protection.

I always think I'm going to make this short and sweet (or unsweet) ... but it rarely works that way. So sorry. But I do need to remember that this blog is a gift to myself. And I can't tell you how blest I am that you are reading it. I hope you are blest in a real strange way. Strange because of the suffering (and complaining) combined with strength ... and growth ... and tranformation. May I not come out of this the same person I was when I came into it!!!!!!!

Is God using some pain in YOUR life to tranform YOU?

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Forever His Daughter,

Diane

I'VE HAD IT !!!!!

I've had my fill of losing hair, growing hair, and losing it again. Of sickness. Of pain. Of fear. Have I missed anything? I am definitely NOT a person of whom my husband will say "Through all her pain, I never heard my dear wife complain". I wish ........

FORGING AHEAD

I spent the last 2 weeks communicating with my oncologist. Unless God moves his jaw ... I'm forging ahead toward THE LAST .... THE FINAL CHEMO!!!!!!!!! Don't congratulate me yet!!!! I have a big mountain to climb to get over the effects of this LAST CHEMO!!!!!! Did I tell you this was my LAST CHEMO????!!!!!

Fly to Chicago Thursday night (June 25)
Appointments all Day Friday (June 26) ... Chemo 1:00 - 5:00
Fly Home Friday night (I'm outta there!!!!)

I usually feel absolutely fine the day of chemo and the day after. So if I'm gonna feel good ... I want to be home!!!!!!! So I'll get out of that chair and head to the airport!

I'm signed up for acupuncture before chemo this time. Hmmmmm .... anything to try to make it better! Interesting huh? This is a very cool hospital.

Anyhow ... remember how I prayed at the beginning of this that God would not let my insides be singed (isn't it spelled cinged?) by the fire of the chemo? That my organs would be protected? You remember ... like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in the Old Testament ... they did not get burned by the firey furnace. Well, I'm praying that again. "Lord, protect my body in an uncanny way"

I'm actually not yet recuperated from the last chemo (3 weeks ago). The stupid candida is a huge problem. So ..... if you pray, I'm asking for prayer for physical protection (Shadrach :) ... and as we all know ... my companion, fear. I'd like to lose that guy forever! What I'm looking for is spiritual victory. To me that means ... being able to keep my focus on the goodness of God (instead of shaking my fist) ... and being Thankful (I bet YOU wish I was thankful, too) ... and letting Him fill me with hope even as I suffer in my body (but wouldn't it be nice if my chemo experience wasn't so bad this time?) I try so hard to take care of my body ... and then WHAM! they go and just about kill my immune system every time!!!!!! Ahhhhhh!

I want to be good little girl-soldier for Christ. I don't want to waste my sufferings. I want to grow!!!!! I want to rest in Him. Worship Him. Well, I think that just about covers it. Let's see what the future holds. He cares for YOU ... and He cares for me. And hope is always appropriate. :)

COURAGE is ... endurance for one moment more

I'm very courageous! Are you?

DARK NIGHT

I had a rotten experience with the most recent chemo (june 3). I found it devastating physically, emotionally and spiritually. It was a dark experience ... marked with despair, lonliness, fear and isolation ... as well as physical pain and exhaustion. I sent a note on June 15 to my oncologist asking if he could possibly "release me from the last chemo treatment on June 25 in good conscience". I cannot imagine even one more treatment. It might seem so easy to say "it's your last one ... you can do it!" .... but you just don't understand. I have cried my way thru this last treatment. Anyhow, I am praying for Dr. Dennis Citrin. He is a traditional Jewish man who does not respect Christians because they rely on prayer. Lord ... speak thru Dr. Citrin. .... I guess I just continue to pray beyond the normal boundaries. Funny that I haven't given up.

MORE CHEMO ... MORE OF GOD!!!!

hi my dear friends:

sooooooooo .... we flew to chicago (cancer treatment ctrs of america) and met with the oncologist (the big guy). he said my glasses were the color of bile. what's with this guy?????? he thought it was hysterical. was this oncologist humor of some type?? but anyhow ... he gets giddy like a little girl when he talks about my progress. a while back he said "you are the classic success case of having had the chemo before surgery to shrink the tumor". this time he looked at me and said "if you continue with this treatment plan, i'm not talking about a remission for you ... i'm talking 'cure'. hmmmm. big words from a man who's worked with thousands of breast cancer patients. but out of the same mouth came .... "you will need two more rounds of chemo". i nearly knocked him down. i had to restrain myself. but since i had taken an ativan (you know, a pill to calm my nerves) i was able to act very civilized. bill was quite impressed.

well, anyhow ...needless to say, we didn't fly home that night .... but instead i sat in that dreaded chemo infusion chair for 4 hours from 6pm-10pm that night. i was the last one there!!!!!

so much prayer had gone into this. and The Lord has brought me so far in this journey in terms of faith (faith in Him, not faith in my being able to get out of chemo). i had wrestled with God over this for nearly a month. by the time i got to chicago i just had to rest in Him, and take it like a big girl.

in 3 weeks we will return for my last chemo treatment. then 4 weeks after that ... MY PORT COMES OUT!!!!! get that thing out of me!!!!

after that (probably early august) i will start daily radiation treatments for like 5 weeks (here in cleveland somewhere).

all of this cancer treatment just plain stinks. it's crazy. the whole thing is nuts. this pain is intense and is lasting wayyyyy tooo long. i go from one trauma to the next. one pain to the next. BUT HE has made it real in my heart that He will "never leave me nor forsake me". i would rather do this all natural... all alternative. but He is clearly guiding me down this toxic path. go figure. if He's willing to lead me ... then i'm willing to follow. and lead He has! He's a mystery ... that's for sure.

hey! i didn't need an ativan for either flight!!!! "if we crash He will be with me ... He promised" .... "i refuse to strive for His peace ... I will just rest and let Him find me ... I cannot go looking for Him" those were my thoughts. it was awesome!!!! just ask bill, if you don't believe me.

okay ... so that's that. i am really hoping and praying that i would not get radically and disgustingly and hopelessly sick this time. my really bad days would usually start on friday and go all the way to thursday. i will always ask for Him to have mercy on me. i will not give up on prayer. i will not give up on Him! He is too dear and near and true for me to do that. He tells me to cry out to Him ... and so I will. will you? for your own self ... or on my behalf ... or both? we should never be characterized by giving up ... especially on God. i have pockets of giving up. you probably do too. don't even talk to me next week ... i might be in one of those pockets. lucky for you ... i only write when i'm in a good 'spot' .... or almost in a good 'spot'.

i love you and thank God for you.

diane

p.s. we are becoming more and more enamored with CTCA ... what an awesome place!