MY ALTER-EGO

I decided to let my alter-ego write this particular blog entry. It needs to handle this whole thing like I should be handling it. You know ... well-balanced and less emotional. So here's what my alter-ego has to say ...

Hi. Diane's alter-ego here. I just wanted to tell you that I'm just going to face the next leg of this journey rather stoic-ly. I will do what I need to do. I will take the radiation therapy believing that all will be well. I probably won't have side effects, and if I do, it won't be bad, and if it is, then I'll get through it. It will pass,
and I won't be harmed. I trust my new radiation oncologist with my health. He's a smart guy. And why would I be the 1, 2, or 3 out of a hundred to get a secondary cancer from the radiation? I'm not going to waste my time by living in the future. Living in the future steals the joy from my today. So, I guess that's it. I'm bringing every thought captive, and refusing to let my mind take me places it shouldn't go. That would do no good. I'm in a good spot, and look forward to the day when this is over and I'm cancer free. And I know this won't come back. It was a challenging and character-building experience for which I am grateful.

Diane here again ... thank you for that interesting blog, alter-ego. I hope I can learn some things from you. Good nite.

CLOSER THAN BREATHING

I always need to remind myself why I write in this blog. It's not a medical update ... no .... it's not for the general public .... no ... it's not totally for prayer ..... it's not to pollute the air with my fear and thus embarrass myself ... no ... I think it's a creative outlet for ME. It's a gift ... to myself. I think it's my way of expressing my deep beliefs in spite of chronic panic.

Last night I joined a somewhat large gathering of women (I snuck in late and left early) in worship at Grace Church. Words on the screen. Female worship band. Scripture. Prayer. Mostly singing. It was an interesting and revealing experience. It has to do with being in what I call "The Pool of Suffering". I think others in this 'pool' may relate to it. As I listened to the music and watched the words I thought:

"I do not have to strive for God right now. I haven't had to in
months. In my pain ... He has been there. He's cotton-pickin' right
there. He's just closer than breathing. On the outside ... I'm
consistently surrounded by terrifying procedures, illness, depression,
isolation, dangerous chemicals, etc ... but somehow I haven't had to search for
Him. I'm not wondering where He is. He's right with me.

It's an odd experience. And throughout this trial I have worshipped Him thru a veil of tears. It's so real. So honest. And it hit me again last night. What a precious place I'm in. What a privileged place. Not a happy place at all ... but maybe one day I'll look back and be jealous for this place again. To be so desperate in my physical body and my emotions ... yet so close to the Lord. To worship WHILE suffering. It's quite a concept. It feels quite 'true'.

"He has promised never to leave me nor forsake me" ... so
simple. so profound. so true.

Switching gears: So ... now for the medical stuff. It's been 4 weeks since my FINAL chemo. I'm bald AGAIN. That was difficult. My last chemo was nasty. I'm still fighting effects, but am functioning quite well! I've met with a radiation oncologist here at Fairview Hospital and will begin DAILY radiation treatments in Cleveland on August 17 for 6 weeks. I know you'll be surprized that I was questioning my need for radiation. hahahaha. And I again told the Lord that I will most definitely follow His lead.... not the doctors. Where He leads I will follow. Beats me why He wants me to go down this incredibly toxic path. But once again we felt that God provided the needed peace when the preliminary nurse casully said

"Dr. Hercsbergs is way more interested in supplements and vitamins than any
other radiation oncologist on staff here".

I didn't really know anything about this doctor ... YET GOD ... put our hearts at ease with that statement. D a r n! I'm so tired about having peace to get thru a dangerous treatment plan!!! This would not be MY plan at all!! But I am not my own.

I was really hoping that something RIDICULOUS would transpire and that I would be spared from this rotten radiation. But it appears that that's not going to happen. But I'm ALWAYS looking for signs of the Almighty. I can't seem to leave the 'hope' and 'ridiculousness' behind. I think it's kinda cool ...

I feel a need to tell you that I asked the doctor about the 'secondary cancers' I can get from radiation. He said:

"Ah yes ... secondary cancers ... we'll yours would be lung cancer" .... I said
"I don't want lung cancer, doctor". And he put his head down and said
"neither do I". How can he sleep at night?

And I also found out that this treatment is not 'personalized' in any way ... it is not based on ME. It's all protocol. I may even be cancer-free. But they do no testing before or after radiation. I am just on a people-mover called "protocol". I hate that word. Stupid word.

So there you have it ... MY PRAYER REQUEST TO JESUS, MY CHRIST .... please join me in praying that He would protect me from harm. Late side effect: cancer .... Immediate side effect: nasty skin burning on the area that is being radiated and fatigue. Protection. Protection. Protection.

I always think I'm going to make this short and sweet (or unsweet) ... but it rarely works that way. So sorry. But I do need to remember that this blog is a gift to myself. And I can't tell you how blest I am that you are reading it. I hope you are blest in a real strange way. Strange because of the suffering (and complaining) combined with strength ... and growth ... and tranformation. May I not come out of this the same person I was when I came into it!!!!!!!

Is God using some pain in YOUR life to tranform YOU?

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Forever His Daughter,

Diane

I'VE HAD IT !!!!!

I've had my fill of losing hair, growing hair, and losing it again. Of sickness. Of pain. Of fear. Have I missed anything? I am definitely NOT a person of whom my husband will say "Through all her pain, I never heard my dear wife complain". I wish ........

FORGING AHEAD

I spent the last 2 weeks communicating with my oncologist. Unless God moves his jaw ... I'm forging ahead toward THE LAST .... THE FINAL CHEMO!!!!!!!!! Don't congratulate me yet!!!! I have a big mountain to climb to get over the effects of this LAST CHEMO!!!!!! Did I tell you this was my LAST CHEMO????!!!!!

Fly to Chicago Thursday night (June 25)
Appointments all Day Friday (June 26) ... Chemo 1:00 - 5:00
Fly Home Friday night (I'm outta there!!!!)

I usually feel absolutely fine the day of chemo and the day after. So if I'm gonna feel good ... I want to be home!!!!!!! So I'll get out of that chair and head to the airport!

I'm signed up for acupuncture before chemo this time. Hmmmmm .... anything to try to make it better! Interesting huh? This is a very cool hospital.

Anyhow ... remember how I prayed at the beginning of this that God would not let my insides be singed (isn't it spelled cinged?) by the fire of the chemo? That my organs would be protected? You remember ... like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in the Old Testament ... they did not get burned by the firey furnace. Well, I'm praying that again. "Lord, protect my body in an uncanny way"

I'm actually not yet recuperated from the last chemo (3 weeks ago). The stupid candida is a huge problem. So ..... if you pray, I'm asking for prayer for physical protection (Shadrach :) ... and as we all know ... my companion, fear. I'd like to lose that guy forever! What I'm looking for is spiritual victory. To me that means ... being able to keep my focus on the goodness of God (instead of shaking my fist) ... and being Thankful (I bet YOU wish I was thankful, too) ... and letting Him fill me with hope even as I suffer in my body (but wouldn't it be nice if my chemo experience wasn't so bad this time?) I try so hard to take care of my body ... and then WHAM! they go and just about kill my immune system every time!!!!!! Ahhhhhh!

I want to be good little girl-soldier for Christ. I don't want to waste my sufferings. I want to grow!!!!! I want to rest in Him. Worship Him. Well, I think that just about covers it. Let's see what the future holds. He cares for YOU ... and He cares for me. And hope is always appropriate. :)

COURAGE is ... endurance for one moment more

I'm very courageous! Are you?

DARK NIGHT

I had a rotten experience with the most recent chemo (june 3). I found it devastating physically, emotionally and spiritually. It was a dark experience ... marked with despair, lonliness, fear and isolation ... as well as physical pain and exhaustion. I sent a note on June 15 to my oncologist asking if he could possibly "release me from the last chemo treatment on June 25 in good conscience". I cannot imagine even one more treatment. It might seem so easy to say "it's your last one ... you can do it!" .... but you just don't understand. I have cried my way thru this last treatment. Anyhow, I am praying for Dr. Dennis Citrin. He is a traditional Jewish man who does not respect Christians because they rely on prayer. Lord ... speak thru Dr. Citrin. .... I guess I just continue to pray beyond the normal boundaries. Funny that I haven't given up.

MORE CHEMO ... MORE OF GOD!!!!

hi my dear friends:

sooooooooo .... we flew to chicago (cancer treatment ctrs of america) and met with the oncologist (the big guy). he said my glasses were the color of bile. what's with this guy?????? he thought it was hysterical. was this oncologist humor of some type?? but anyhow ... he gets giddy like a little girl when he talks about my progress. a while back he said "you are the classic success case of having had the chemo before surgery to shrink the tumor". this time he looked at me and said "if you continue with this treatment plan, i'm not talking about a remission for you ... i'm talking 'cure'. hmmmm. big words from a man who's worked with thousands of breast cancer patients. but out of the same mouth came .... "you will need two more rounds of chemo". i nearly knocked him down. i had to restrain myself. but since i had taken an ativan (you know, a pill to calm my nerves) i was able to act very civilized. bill was quite impressed.

well, anyhow ...needless to say, we didn't fly home that night .... but instead i sat in that dreaded chemo infusion chair for 4 hours from 6pm-10pm that night. i was the last one there!!!!!

so much prayer had gone into this. and The Lord has brought me so far in this journey in terms of faith (faith in Him, not faith in my being able to get out of chemo). i had wrestled with God over this for nearly a month. by the time i got to chicago i just had to rest in Him, and take it like a big girl.

in 3 weeks we will return for my last chemo treatment. then 4 weeks after that ... MY PORT COMES OUT!!!!! get that thing out of me!!!!

after that (probably early august) i will start daily radiation treatments for like 5 weeks (here in cleveland somewhere).

all of this cancer treatment just plain stinks. it's crazy. the whole thing is nuts. this pain is intense and is lasting wayyyyy tooo long. i go from one trauma to the next. one pain to the next. BUT HE has made it real in my heart that He will "never leave me nor forsake me". i would rather do this all natural... all alternative. but He is clearly guiding me down this toxic path. go figure. if He's willing to lead me ... then i'm willing to follow. and lead He has! He's a mystery ... that's for sure.

hey! i didn't need an ativan for either flight!!!! "if we crash He will be with me ... He promised" .... "i refuse to strive for His peace ... I will just rest and let Him find me ... I cannot go looking for Him" those were my thoughts. it was awesome!!!! just ask bill, if you don't believe me.

okay ... so that's that. i am really hoping and praying that i would not get radically and disgustingly and hopelessly sick this time. my really bad days would usually start on friday and go all the way to thursday. i will always ask for Him to have mercy on me. i will not give up on prayer. i will not give up on Him! He is too dear and near and true for me to do that. He tells me to cry out to Him ... and so I will. will you? for your own self ... or on my behalf ... or both? we should never be characterized by giving up ... especially on God. i have pockets of giving up. you probably do too. don't even talk to me next week ... i might be in one of those pockets. lucky for you ... i only write when i'm in a good 'spot' .... or almost in a good 'spot'.

i love you and thank God for you.

diane

p.s. we are becoming more and more enamored with CTCA ... what an awesome place!

WRESTLING WITH GOD

As usual … before I even get over one ‘hump’ … I have started thinking about the next one. As I continue to recuperate from surgery, I am haunted by the next stop on this train …. Possibly more chemo, radiation. Both of which make me horribly sad.

I’ve been crying a lot during the last week. Really scared of the thought of giving my whole summer to chemotherapy and then radiation (having already tasted the bitterness of chemo this last winter). I don't even know what the oncologist will tell me. There is no plan in place yet, but I have been making deals with The Almighty. Ever done that? I have no problem with it. He understands. But,

After much wrestling with the Lord, I’m almost at the point where I can say:

“Lord, who am I, that I would ask to be spared from something that others are not spared from? I don't know!! I know I have cried out to You, believing that You are still in the miracle business ... the deliverance business! I know that it's given me hope, and I know I've seen you do some pretty wild things. I'm not following the doctors, Lord!! I'm following You. Looking for You. Listening for You. And I've heard You speak thru them. And no matter what happens ... I am committed to walking thru this valley with You."

“Lord, I will do ANYTHING to get rid of this cancer for good!" "And I will do anything to come out of this more mature and less fearful and more trusting of YOU"

"Lord, I will go where You lead. I will obey. Even if it is painful. I know that I know that I know that I know that You did not bring this cancer to me. But it's here. And I will obey my way thru this difficult time. But it doesn't mean I won't cry the whole time (or at least in between blogs) :)"

I only want to follow the Lord Jesus Christ: To trust Him for big things ... but to obey in all things. There's nothing in all the world like hearing His heartbeat as I lean against His chest. There is a sweetness in suffering. I am loved. You are too.

We travel to Chicago May 27/28 ... at that time we'll know what future treatments will be recommended.

Isaiah 50:10 "Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God"