SURGERY

Bill and I leave for Chicago on Sunday April 26 and I will have surgery (lumpectomy) on TUESDAY APRIL 28 @ 1:30PM (Cleveland time EST). Very Nasty procedures @ 10am and 11am that same day. We'll be gone for a week.

I am neither brave nor courageous, and my heart is pounding as I write this. Fear is a true enemy of mine. A formidable foe.

I'm hoping that some of you may be willing to pray for DR. RAY, my surgeon. I'm looking for anyone who might be willing to pray (to Jesus) for Dr. Ray every day starting today. Pray as God leads you to pray. I don't want to wait till the last minute. While I'm lying on the table, it will help me greatly knowing that he is 'covered in prayer' by you, and that I don't have to get all worked up. Do you know what I mean?

I've had a great 2 weeks of feeling very good. This has caused a huge dilemma, in that now no one believes I'm sick or need prayer!!! I need to start acting sickly. Maybe I won't wear make-up in public! Maybe I should only wear my black scarves. No more bright pinks and purples! Perhaps I shouldn't burst out laughing. Well ... all I know is that laughter is good medicine. And this has been my motto from the beginning "When I can smile ... I will smile big. When I can laugh ... I will laugh ... loud and hard! ... because there's been many times when I can do neither.

For today I will smile and laugh. And today I know this, and will fight to hold onto it: Jesus has promised "I will never leave you nor forsake you". Believe it, Diane. You believe it, too. Okay?

Want to see Dr. Ray talking? http://www.cancercenter.com/midwestern-hospital/physicians/stephen-ray.cfm

AN EMAIL I SENT OUT APRIL 4TH

i wanted you to know that a lumpectomy (not a mastectomy) is scheduled in chicago for april 28 (tues). horribly nasty procedures on april 27 (mon). the tumor did not pull away from the chest wall. instead it was pulling the chest wall up with it. but it did shrink. the lymphs shrunk also. they are all very pleased with the clinical result of the chemo. they won't know til after surgery (pathology report) if i need more chemo (less dose). it depends on if there are 'clear margins' and how the lymphs look. at this point i don't know how i could possibly handle more chemo. 3+ weeks past my last chemo and i'm still not well. radiation is seemingly inevitable. then tamoxifen (a drug to suppress estrogen ... for 5 years). i know most of you are not interested in all this 'clinical' talk ... but many are ... so i'm sorry if you didn't want all this info. but i still thank you for remembering me ... and all the myriads of others going thru the same trial. it's an unbelievable road.

i'm gonna work thru this. it's all a process ... emotionally, physically, spiritually. thank you for caring.

p.s. i'm looking for emails from any of you who have information and opinions about removing the ovaries so that i won't need to be on tamoxifen. (tamoxifen can cause uterine cancer). this stupid tumor is fed by estrogen. email is the best way for me to receive this info. keep in mind that i would jump this ship in a minute to do things naturally. i'm hoping for opinions as well as a website or two i can visit. i know some of you have no ovaries ... and are sorry about it. if you have input, i'd be interested. (bill said he doesn't have ovaries, but he can't help me).

p.p.s.. i'll tell you about the MRI on the blog later. He was there. :)

p.p.p.s. so grateful that i didn't get another chemo this week. unbelievable mercy.

p.p.p.p.s. (am i doing these p.s.'s right? ... homeschool moms can let me know) .... am struggling with the thought of being so far away from my support system (family & crucial friends) during surgery. but we know we are in the right place (cancer treatment ctrs in chicago). my surgeon is one of only 5 surgeons in the U.S. who does what he does. he's well-seasoned at the age of 66. i think that's a good age. he's seen it all and has good intuition.

p.p.p.p.p.s. do you remember when i prayed that my organs wouldn't be harmed by the 'fire' of the chemicals? the oncologist always giggles out loud when she reads the lab report because my liver keeps getting healthier and healthier. well now. that's something to ponder. :)

thanks for cheering me up. i feel better than when i started writing this. i had only planned on writing 3 incomplete sentences with only bare minimum details.

I'll Meet You in the MRI .....

All I know is that ... I'm not getting any chemotherapy this week! I am rejoicing! Today is the first day that I've been able to really comprehend this good news. I've been so sick for 18 days from the last chemo. But today .... I've just been walking around the house all day saying "Andrew. I need to tell you something." Yes Mom? "I'm not getting chemo this week!!!!" .... and we both smile a real relaxed smile. Ahhhhhhhh.

Oh ... I did get Andrew's virus, but I didn't get a fever. No ER visits for me!!!!! Sweet people covering me in sweet prayer. I am blest.

Bill and I fly to Chicago (Cancer Treatment Ctrs of America) for a Wed 2:00pm MRI (otherwise known as the Vietnamese Flashback Chamber). Then we meet with the surgeon Thursday @9:00am.

Depending on what 'they' say ... I may stay for surgery on Monday and that means I'd be gone a whole week or more. I would like to be able to let you know if we stay. I'll see if I can have Andrew send out an email from home.

"Lord, You spoke thru Balaam's donkey in the old testament. I'm trusting you to speak Your words of hope and life thru these tests and doctors. You go ahead of me, Lord ... I'll meet You in the MRI machine"


Riddle of the day: What's the difference between major surgery and minor surgery?
Answer: (say this outloud) "Mine" is major, and "Yours' is minor.

Word of the Day: RIDICULOUS

I have truly been feeling defeated and foolish for my earlier 'ridiculous' prayers. So I've decided to "lay down at His feet" and submit to His will. Rough. It seemed that I was going to have to walk thru this difficult trial without being 'rescued'. Sad. He knows what I need & desire ... and I've said all I can say to Him. I will remain at His feet and submitted to His will ... BUT as of Friday, I have changed my mind about feeling foolish about the 'ridiculous' prayer part. Here's why:

The appointment this past Friday was special because I was meeting with my chief oncologist (whom I haven't seen since chemo began). We'll call him the 'big guy'. CTCA assured me that it was not a pivotal or important appointment. But I thought:

maybe the 'big guy' will see such improvement that he would change my schedule
and and cut my chemo treatments short. ridiculous.

But they assured me that that never happens. Rare at best. I was actually trying to get treatment #4 (out of 6) here in Cleveland. But it didn't work out so i was able to see the 'big guy' in Chicago right before treatment #4 as planned. He came in with a troop of others and examined my tumor and said it felt like healthy tissue, and that it appears that it has pulled away from the chest wall !!! He said:

Today will be your last chemo!!!! When you come back in 3 weeks, you will get an MRI and then see the surgeon for a possible lumpectomy !!!!! Not a mastectomy !!!! He said I was a classic success case for getting chemo before surgery to shrink the tumor.

He basically told me I will be fine. He has 30 years of oncology experience ... I'm trying to rest in his expertise!

You never saw a happier person in the chemo infusion chair that day. I probably had that proverbial good attitude that everyone tells me is so important, but that I haven't been able to muster up before this.

The MRI is the final authority (but don't believe that either ... God is the final authority) ... not a doctor's hands or hunch. So, hey ... may it be even better than what the doctor said. May my lymph nodes be cured, as well. Ridiculous. Simply Ridiculous. I still have a long road ahead of me. Surgery. Possibly more chemo (less dose) and radiation and hormone therapy. It's all about those lymph nodes. But I'm in a ridiculous mood. And want to stay there right now.

Thru this cancer/chemo ordeal ... I have realized that my anxiety is wacko. And has been for years. And God graciously had 2 girlfriends 'waiting in the wings' to help me out. They have prayed with me, cried with me, given me their time, and offered tools to use to ward off the anxiety. And my pastor has been faithful, along with them. God is good. It was not perfect, but the anxiety was definitely better.

Now don't tell anyone I said this (and don't hold me to it) ... but it crossed my mind that this cancer has been a 'gift' of sorts. It has exposed the fact that this high level of anxiety is not necessary ... harmful. If I can go forward to live my life with normal levels of anxiety, then I will indeed have received a gift from this illness. Utterly ridiculous.

I am amazed, and I hope you are. I hope you are encouraged. I'm trying to relish in the moment. Trying to believe it's all true. For today ... I believe it.
So happy you have joined me for this roller coaster ride. Last time, nearly every thing was nasty. This time it was all good. I like "good" better. Here's to ridiculous praying.

Question of the Day: How's your anxiety level?

Wobbly

I must've written a new blog entry 10 times!!! I've erased every one of them!! The words just keep coming out all wrong. Hmph.

What I've been meaning to tell you is that i am have a REALLY hard time with ANXIETY ... faith ... sadness.... and ANXIETY!!!!!

The words anxiety and sadness may not make any sense to you when I tell you that the tumor has shrunk again, and no longer has palpable definitive borders. And how can those words possibly make sense to you when I tell you that the side effects were indeed lessened on days 6,7,8 this time? (that's when they usually go thru the roof!)

It's just the constant-ness of this painful trial. The cumulative problems my body is having week after week. The fact that the 'systemic candidiasis' I have been trying to eradicate for over 11 years is the culprit of the extreme nature of my side effects. I am now on new anti-fungal drugs which helped the side effects on days 6,7,8. Frustrated (I have taken all these drugs at some time during the last 11 years). Tired. The thought of how much more I have to go through. Not knowing what the future holds. Or what the next treatment will hold. I really want and need to handle this with a good attitude ....

But, I'll tell you .. apart from my feelings, there's a little voice in my head reminding me that the Bible tells me that Christ has promised that He'll never leave me. That He will walk thru this with me. I am compelled to believe in Him even when I don't see or feel Him. That's hard. But I know He's God ... there is no other. I have tasted His goodness in the past, and am confident I will see it again. He has not abandoned me. I know He loves me. I'm just wobbly right now.

How about you? Are you wobbly?


"In all their distress, He too was distressed" ... Isaiah 63:9



P.S. We leave for Chicago for treatment #4 (out of 6) on Thursday, March 12. Chemo on Friday. Home on Saturday. I go to Cancer Treatment Ctrs of America for every appointment and treatment. I tried to set something up to get a treatment (or 2 or 3) here in Cleveland ... but it didn't work out. Well pooh.

God Has A Plan For Your Life, And It Doesn't Include Fear

We’re flying to Chicago this Thursday (Feb 19, 7pm EST). No more planes falling from the sky!!!! Trying not to get worked up over this. Lots of snow and wind expected both days. Another chance to let go and trust Him. Oh boy. (return flight departs Saturday 2:30pm)

Chemotherapy #3 on Friday @ 12:30-4:30

I failed to ask for prayer last time for my anxiety, and to be more honest … my tendency to give in to panic. It usually strikes when the plane lands at O’Hare and builds thru that evening and the next morning till I’m in a tizzy. I"m a nut case.

“Lord, spare me from any allergic responses! Allow me to have less severe side effects. And how I appreciate and need the gift of Your presence. Speak thru the doctor, if you’d like to make any changes to protect your girl. Yes, protect me, Lord. We will be looking for Your fingerprints of mercy. And that tumor …. It’s in Your hands Lord. You know my prayer. I deserve nothing. But I know You love me. And You've given me the 'faith of a mustard seed'. Thank you for the people who read this and care. And thank you for the people who pray on my behalf. Build our faith, precious Lord. Make us the people You want us to be. Make a difference in our lives! And give us love. For you and each other. Thank you for changing a part of me thru this. Protect my family and I from sickness and infection during all of this. You are faithful. We have no other. You are enough. Amen.”

Do You Want The GOOD NEWS First?

Yes, it’s true! I was free to smile, laugh and dance at Billy’s wedding! Stayed until it was over! Simply amazing. My mom said “If you keep this up, no one will believe that you’re sick” …. Hahahahahahahahaha! You’ve gotta know my mom.

Thank you for praying for and encouraging me. It’s no little thing.

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John 10:10 “The thief comes to kill, steal and destroy … but I have come that you might have life … and life more abundantly” …. Jesus Christ

My 2nd chemo treatment was harder than I thought it would be. In some ways it was way better than the first one. I didn’t get the rash. I didn’t have a load of bricks on my chest. I didn’t land in the ER. I didn’t get a few other things I never told you about (because you just wouldn’t want to know that stuff). But I was still laid up for nearly 9 days again. Very nauseous this time. Heart beating over 120 for a few days. Head pounding. Unable to eat (couldn't take my pills that would help). Constant headache. Very scary constant heartburn for many days. Feeling like someone poured cement in my gut. Extreme exhaustion. Some of the things I did to alleviate side effects, actually made them worse. Very upset. Okay, ticked off. Defeated. And now I am experiencing neuropathy in my feet. I guess the chemo attacks the nervous system and muscles. My heels feel like I’m walking on needles. I’m so sad for my body.

Truth: “I am fearfully and wonderfully made” … Psalm 139

I am grateful: The appointment with the oncologist before the 2nd chemo went very well. She came in with my letter in hand. And she listened. And she adjusted some of my meds. We deleted the ‘take at home’ steroids. We deleted the ‘shot’ in my belly which caused me bone pain and other unlovely side affects. We laughed and hugged. She’s likeable. I am comfortable with her.

What’s the good news?: When the doctor felt the lump she was floored that it had decreased in size by 20% … it went from 5.5 cm to 4.3 after the 1st treatment. She kept saying “I’m impressed!”. Thank you for praying!

No belly shot and no steroid equals: Nausea, chance for allergic response, and low white blood cell counts (needed to fight infection).

The doctor labeled me as an: ENIGMA (the homeschool mom says “look it up in the dictionary”)

What would I say to someone who has cancer?: I have no clue. No one ever knows what to say. Every person needs something different. You never know if YOU have the golden key (golden words, golden prayers, golden demeanor). You never know.

What can you DO for someone who’s ill?: I don’t know … everyone’s different. Think ‘out of the box’. You don’t have to be traditional.

If you pray to Jesus … you can pray for: The neuropathy in my feet!!! That it wouldn’t be permanent. For my white blood cell count! No infection. And … I’m just plain scared and want to get off this chemo ‘boat’. I don’t want to lose hope, but I am discouraged because others only have a few days of feeling really bad … while my symptoms are overwhelming for quite a while. I want to have hope and a good attitude. Somehow it’s not what it was. The thought of another treatment …. what’s gonna happen next!!!!!??? I don't want to be an enigma!!!!

Another scripture: “When I am weak, He is strong” …

Don’t forget: the ER doctor’s words (you can go back to the previous blog titled “God in the ER)

Want to pray ridiculously? (Don't even read this unless you're brave): Pray that I wouldn’t need all the treatments (you know that I really mean ... no more treatments). That the tumor would be gone in 2 weeks when we go back … Feb 20. I also know that God isn’t disappointed that I ask. He isn’t saying “What a goofus!” . He wants us to ask. Doesn’t it take a ‘mustard seed’ of faith to even ask? It’s all up to Him anyhow. I really don’t deserve a thing. But I am His. And He is mine. I will never boast in my strength anymore. I will boast about my weakness ... because He is strong.

Very Weakly Yours, Diane

P.S. I'm addicted to you and your prayers. :) I hope you don't mind!