All I know is that ... I'm not getting any chemotherapy this week! I am rejoicing! Today is the first day that I've been able to really comprehend this good news. I've been so sick for 18 days from the last chemo. But today .... I've just been walking around the house all day saying "Andrew. I need to tell you something." Yes Mom? "I'm not getting chemo this week!!!!" .... and we both smile a real relaxed smile. Ahhhhhhhh.
Oh ... I did get Andrew's virus, but I didn't get a fever. No ER visits for me!!!!! Sweet people covering me in sweet prayer. I am blest.
Bill and I fly to Chicago (Cancer Treatment Ctrs of America) for a Wed 2:00pm MRI (otherwise known as the Vietnamese Flashback Chamber). Then we meet with the surgeon Thursday @9:00am.
Depending on what 'they' say ... I may stay for surgery on Monday and that means I'd be gone a whole week or more. I would like to be able to let you know if we stay. I'll see if I can have Andrew send out an email from home.
"Lord, You spoke thru Balaam's donkey in the old testament. I'm trusting you to speak Your words of hope and life thru these tests and doctors. You go ahead of me, Lord ... I'll meet You in the MRI machine"
Riddle of the day: What's the difference between major surgery and minor surgery?
Answer: (say this outloud) "Mine" is major, and "Yours' is minor.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Word of the Day: RIDICULOUS
I have truly been feeling defeated and foolish for my earlier 'ridiculous' prayers. So I've decided to "lay down at His feet" and submit to His will. Rough. It seemed that I was going to have to walk thru this difficult trial without being 'rescued'. Sad. He knows what I need & desire ... and I've said all I can say to Him. I will remain at His feet and submitted to His will ... BUT as of Friday, I have changed my mind about feeling foolish about the 'ridiculous' prayer part. Here's why:
The appointment this past Friday was special because I was meeting with my chief oncologist (whom I haven't seen since chemo began). We'll call him the 'big guy'. CTCA assured me that it was not a pivotal or important appointment. But I thought:
You never saw a happier person in the chemo infusion chair that day. I probably had that proverbial good attitude that everyone tells me is so important, but that I haven't been able to muster up before this.
The MRI is the final authority (but don't believe that either ... God is the final authority) ... not a doctor's hands or hunch. So, hey ... may it be even better than what the doctor said. May my lymph nodes be cured, as well. Ridiculous. Simply Ridiculous. I still have a long road ahead of me. Surgery. Possibly more chemo (less dose) and radiation and hormone therapy. It's all about those lymph nodes. But I'm in a ridiculous mood. And want to stay there right now.
Thru this cancer/chemo ordeal ... I have realized that my anxiety is wacko. And has been for years. And God graciously had 2 girlfriends 'waiting in the wings' to help me out. They have prayed with me, cried with me, given me their time, and offered tools to use to ward off the anxiety. And my pastor has been faithful, along with them. God is good. It was not perfect, but the anxiety was definitely better.
Now don't tell anyone I said this (and don't hold me to it) ... but it crossed my mind that this cancer has been a 'gift' of sorts. It has exposed the fact that this high level of anxiety is not necessary ... harmful. If I can go forward to live my life with normal levels of anxiety, then I will indeed have received a gift from this illness. Utterly ridiculous.
I am amazed, and I hope you are. I hope you are encouraged. I'm trying to relish in the moment. Trying to believe it's all true. For today ... I believe it.
So happy you have joined me for this roller coaster ride. Last time, nearly every thing was nasty. This time it was all good. I like "good" better. Here's to ridiculous praying.
Question of the Day: How's your anxiety level?
The appointment this past Friday was special because I was meeting with my chief oncologist (whom I haven't seen since chemo began). We'll call him the 'big guy'. CTCA assured me that it was not a pivotal or important appointment. But I thought:
maybe the 'big guy' will see such improvement that he would change my scheduleBut they assured me that that never happens. Rare at best. I was actually trying to get treatment #4 (out of 6) here in Cleveland. But it didn't work out so i was able to see the 'big guy' in Chicago right before treatment #4 as planned. He came in with a troop of others and examined my tumor and said it felt like healthy tissue, and that it appears that it has pulled away from the chest wall !!! He said:
and and cut my chemo treatments short. ridiculous.
Today will be your last chemo!!!! When you come back in 3 weeks, you will get an MRI and then see the surgeon for a possible lumpectomy !!!!! Not a mastectomy !!!! He said I was a classic success case for getting chemo before surgery to shrink the tumor.He basically told me I will be fine. He has 30 years of oncology experience ... I'm trying to rest in his expertise!
You never saw a happier person in the chemo infusion chair that day. I probably had that proverbial good attitude that everyone tells me is so important, but that I haven't been able to muster up before this.
The MRI is the final authority (but don't believe that either ... God is the final authority) ... not a doctor's hands or hunch. So, hey ... may it be even better than what the doctor said. May my lymph nodes be cured, as well. Ridiculous. Simply Ridiculous. I still have a long road ahead of me. Surgery. Possibly more chemo (less dose) and radiation and hormone therapy. It's all about those lymph nodes. But I'm in a ridiculous mood. And want to stay there right now.
Thru this cancer/chemo ordeal ... I have realized that my anxiety is wacko. And has been for years. And God graciously had 2 girlfriends 'waiting in the wings' to help me out. They have prayed with me, cried with me, given me their time, and offered tools to use to ward off the anxiety. And my pastor has been faithful, along with them. God is good. It was not perfect, but the anxiety was definitely better.
Now don't tell anyone I said this (and don't hold me to it) ... but it crossed my mind that this cancer has been a 'gift' of sorts. It has exposed the fact that this high level of anxiety is not necessary ... harmful. If I can go forward to live my life with normal levels of anxiety, then I will indeed have received a gift from this illness. Utterly ridiculous.
I am amazed, and I hope you are. I hope you are encouraged. I'm trying to relish in the moment. Trying to believe it's all true. For today ... I believe it.
So happy you have joined me for this roller coaster ride. Last time, nearly every thing was nasty. This time it was all good. I like "good" better. Here's to ridiculous praying.
Question of the Day: How's your anxiety level?
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Wobbly
I must've written a new blog entry 10 times!!! I've erased every one of them!! The words just keep coming out all wrong. Hmph.
What I've been meaning to tell you is that i am have a REALLY hard time with ANXIETY ... faith ... sadness.... and ANXIETY!!!!!
The words anxiety and sadness may not make any sense to you when I tell you that the tumor has shrunk again, and no longer has palpable definitive borders. And how can those words possibly make sense to you when I tell you that the side effects were indeed lessened on days 6,7,8 this time? (that's when they usually go thru the roof!)
It's just the constant-ness of this painful trial. The cumulative problems my body is having week after week. The fact that the 'systemic candidiasis' I have been trying to eradicate for over 11 years is the culprit of the extreme nature of my side effects. I am now on new anti-fungal drugs which helped the side effects on days 6,7,8. Frustrated (I have taken all these drugs at some time during the last 11 years). Tired. The thought of how much more I have to go through. Not knowing what the future holds. Or what the next treatment will hold. I really want and need to handle this with a good attitude ....
But, I'll tell you .. apart from my feelings, there's a little voice in my head reminding me that the Bible tells me that Christ has promised that He'll never leave me. That He will walk thru this with me. I am compelled to believe in Him even when I don't see or feel Him. That's hard. But I know He's God ... there is no other. I have tasted His goodness in the past, and am confident I will see it again. He has not abandoned me. I know He loves me. I'm just wobbly right now.
How about you? Are you wobbly?
"In all their distress, He too was distressed" ... Isaiah 63:9
P.S. We leave for Chicago for treatment #4 (out of 6) on Thursday, March 12. Chemo on Friday. Home on Saturday. I go to Cancer Treatment Ctrs of America for every appointment and treatment. I tried to set something up to get a treatment (or 2 or 3) here in Cleveland ... but it didn't work out. Well pooh.
What I've been meaning to tell you is that i am have a REALLY hard time with ANXIETY ... faith ... sadness.... and ANXIETY!!!!!
The words anxiety and sadness may not make any sense to you when I tell you that the tumor has shrunk again, and no longer has palpable definitive borders. And how can those words possibly make sense to you when I tell you that the side effects were indeed lessened on days 6,7,8 this time? (that's when they usually go thru the roof!)
It's just the constant-ness of this painful trial. The cumulative problems my body is having week after week. The fact that the 'systemic candidiasis' I have been trying to eradicate for over 11 years is the culprit of the extreme nature of my side effects. I am now on new anti-fungal drugs which helped the side effects on days 6,7,8. Frustrated (I have taken all these drugs at some time during the last 11 years). Tired. The thought of how much more I have to go through. Not knowing what the future holds. Or what the next treatment will hold. I really want and need to handle this with a good attitude ....
But, I'll tell you .. apart from my feelings, there's a little voice in my head reminding me that the Bible tells me that Christ has promised that He'll never leave me. That He will walk thru this with me. I am compelled to believe in Him even when I don't see or feel Him. That's hard. But I know He's God ... there is no other. I have tasted His goodness in the past, and am confident I will see it again. He has not abandoned me. I know He loves me. I'm just wobbly right now.
How about you? Are you wobbly?
"In all their distress, He too was distressed" ... Isaiah 63:9
P.S. We leave for Chicago for treatment #4 (out of 6) on Thursday, March 12. Chemo on Friday. Home on Saturday. I go to Cancer Treatment Ctrs of America for every appointment and treatment. I tried to set something up to get a treatment (or 2 or 3) here in Cleveland ... but it didn't work out. Well pooh.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
God Has A Plan For Your Life, And It Doesn't Include Fear
We’re flying to Chicago this Thursday (Feb 19, 7pm EST). No more planes falling from the sky!!!! Trying not to get worked up over this. Lots of snow and wind expected both days. Another chance to let go and trust Him. Oh boy. (return flight departs Saturday 2:30pm)
Chemotherapy #3 on Friday @ 12:30-4:30
I failed to ask for prayer last time for my anxiety, and to be more honest … my tendency to give in to panic. It usually strikes when the plane lands at O’Hare and builds thru that evening and the next morning till I’m in a tizzy. I"m a nut case.
“Lord, spare me from any allergic responses! Allow me to have less severe side effects. And how I appreciate and need the gift of Your presence. Speak thru the doctor, if you’d like to make any changes to protect your girl. Yes, protect me, Lord. We will be looking for Your fingerprints of mercy. And that tumor …. It’s in Your hands Lord. You know my prayer. I deserve nothing. But I know You love me. And You've given me the 'faith of a mustard seed'. Thank you for the people who read this and care. And thank you for the people who pray on my behalf. Build our faith, precious Lord. Make us the people You want us to be. Make a difference in our lives! And give us love. For you and each other. Thank you for changing a part of me thru this. Protect my family and I from sickness and infection during all of this. You are faithful. We have no other. You are enough. Amen.”
Chemotherapy #3 on Friday @ 12:30-4:30
I failed to ask for prayer last time for my anxiety, and to be more honest … my tendency to give in to panic. It usually strikes when the plane lands at O’Hare and builds thru that evening and the next morning till I’m in a tizzy. I"m a nut case.
“Lord, spare me from any allergic responses! Allow me to have less severe side effects. And how I appreciate and need the gift of Your presence. Speak thru the doctor, if you’d like to make any changes to protect your girl. Yes, protect me, Lord. We will be looking for Your fingerprints of mercy. And that tumor …. It’s in Your hands Lord. You know my prayer. I deserve nothing. But I know You love me. And You've given me the 'faith of a mustard seed'. Thank you for the people who read this and care. And thank you for the people who pray on my behalf. Build our faith, precious Lord. Make us the people You want us to be. Make a difference in our lives! And give us love. For you and each other. Thank you for changing a part of me thru this. Protect my family and I from sickness and infection during all of this. You are faithful. We have no other. You are enough. Amen.”
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Do You Want The GOOD NEWS First?
Yes, it’s true! I was free to smile, laugh and dance at Billy’s wedding! Stayed until it was over! Simply amazing. My mom said “If you keep this up, no one will believe that you’re sick” …. Hahahahahahahahaha! You’ve gotta know my mom.
Thank you for praying for and encouraging me. It’s no little thing.
*****************************************
John 10:10 “The thief comes to kill, steal and destroy … but I have come that you might have life … and life more abundantly” …. Jesus Christ
My 2nd chemo treatment was harder than I thought it would be. In some ways it was way better than the first one. I didn’t get the rash. I didn’t have a load of bricks on my chest. I didn’t land in the ER. I didn’t get a few other things I never told you about (because you just wouldn’t want to know that stuff). But I was still laid up for nearly 9 days again. Very nauseous this time. Heart beating over 120 for a few days. Head pounding. Unable to eat (couldn't take my pills that would help). Constant headache. Very scary constant heartburn for many days. Feeling like someone poured cement in my gut. Extreme exhaustion. Some of the things I did to alleviate side effects, actually made them worse. Very upset. Okay, ticked off. Defeated. And now I am experiencing neuropathy in my feet. I guess the chemo attacks the nervous system and muscles. My heels feel like I’m walking on needles. I’m so sad for my body.
Truth: “I am fearfully and wonderfully made” … Psalm 139
I am grateful: The appointment with the oncologist before the 2nd chemo went very well. She came in with my letter in hand. And she listened. And she adjusted some of my meds. We deleted the ‘take at home’ steroids. We deleted the ‘shot’ in my belly which caused me bone pain and other unlovely side affects. We laughed and hugged. She’s likeable. I am comfortable with her.
What’s the good news?: When the doctor felt the lump she was floored that it had decreased in size by 20% … it went from 5.5 cm to 4.3 after the 1st treatment. She kept saying “I’m impressed!”. Thank you for praying!
No belly shot and no steroid equals: Nausea, chance for allergic response, and low white blood cell counts (needed to fight infection).
The doctor labeled me as an: ENIGMA (the homeschool mom says “look it up in the dictionary”)
What would I say to someone who has cancer?: I have no clue. No one ever knows what to say. Every person needs something different. You never know if YOU have the golden key (golden words, golden prayers, golden demeanor). You never know.
What can you DO for someone who’s ill?: I don’t know … everyone’s different. Think ‘out of the box’. You don’t have to be traditional.
If you pray to Jesus … you can pray for: The neuropathy in my feet!!! That it wouldn’t be permanent. For my white blood cell count! No infection. And … I’m just plain scared and want to get off this chemo ‘boat’. I don’t want to lose hope, but I am discouraged because others only have a few days of feeling really bad … while my symptoms are overwhelming for quite a while. I want to have hope and a good attitude. Somehow it’s not what it was. The thought of another treatment …. what’s gonna happen next!!!!!??? I don't want to be an enigma!!!!
Another scripture: “When I am weak, He is strong” …
Don’t forget: the ER doctor’s words (you can go back to the previous blog titled “God in the ER)
Want to pray ridiculously? (Don't even read this unless you're brave): Pray that I wouldn’t need all the treatments (you know that I really mean ... no more treatments). That the tumor would be gone in 2 weeks when we go back … Feb 20. I also know that God isn’t disappointed that I ask. He isn’t saying “What a goofus!” . He wants us to ask. Doesn’t it take a ‘mustard seed’ of faith to even ask? It’s all up to Him anyhow. I really don’t deserve a thing. But I am His. And He is mine. I will never boast in my strength anymore. I will boast about my weakness ... because He is strong.
Very Weakly Yours, Diane
P.S. I'm addicted to you and your prayers. :) I hope you don't mind!
Thank you for praying for and encouraging me. It’s no little thing.
*****************************************
John 10:10 “The thief comes to kill, steal and destroy … but I have come that you might have life … and life more abundantly” …. Jesus Christ
My 2nd chemo treatment was harder than I thought it would be. In some ways it was way better than the first one. I didn’t get the rash. I didn’t have a load of bricks on my chest. I didn’t land in the ER. I didn’t get a few other things I never told you about (because you just wouldn’t want to know that stuff). But I was still laid up for nearly 9 days again. Very nauseous this time. Heart beating over 120 for a few days. Head pounding. Unable to eat (couldn't take my pills that would help). Constant headache. Very scary constant heartburn for many days. Feeling like someone poured cement in my gut. Extreme exhaustion. Some of the things I did to alleviate side effects, actually made them worse. Very upset. Okay, ticked off. Defeated. And now I am experiencing neuropathy in my feet. I guess the chemo attacks the nervous system and muscles. My heels feel like I’m walking on needles. I’m so sad for my body.
Truth: “I am fearfully and wonderfully made” … Psalm 139
I am grateful: The appointment with the oncologist before the 2nd chemo went very well. She came in with my letter in hand. And she listened. And she adjusted some of my meds. We deleted the ‘take at home’ steroids. We deleted the ‘shot’ in my belly which caused me bone pain and other unlovely side affects. We laughed and hugged. She’s likeable. I am comfortable with her.
What’s the good news?: When the doctor felt the lump she was floored that it had decreased in size by 20% … it went from 5.5 cm to 4.3 after the 1st treatment. She kept saying “I’m impressed!”. Thank you for praying!
No belly shot and no steroid equals: Nausea, chance for allergic response, and low white blood cell counts (needed to fight infection).
The doctor labeled me as an: ENIGMA (the homeschool mom says “look it up in the dictionary”)
What would I say to someone who has cancer?: I have no clue. No one ever knows what to say. Every person needs something different. You never know if YOU have the golden key (golden words, golden prayers, golden demeanor). You never know.
What can you DO for someone who’s ill?: I don’t know … everyone’s different. Think ‘out of the box’. You don’t have to be traditional.
If you pray to Jesus … you can pray for: The neuropathy in my feet!!! That it wouldn’t be permanent. For my white blood cell count! No infection. And … I’m just plain scared and want to get off this chemo ‘boat’. I don’t want to lose hope, but I am discouraged because others only have a few days of feeling really bad … while my symptoms are overwhelming for quite a while. I want to have hope and a good attitude. Somehow it’s not what it was. The thought of another treatment …. what’s gonna happen next!!!!!??? I don't want to be an enigma!!!!
Another scripture: “When I am weak, He is strong” …
Don’t forget: the ER doctor’s words (you can go back to the previous blog titled “God in the ER)
Want to pray ridiculously? (Don't even read this unless you're brave): Pray that I wouldn’t need all the treatments (you know that I really mean ... no more treatments). That the tumor would be gone in 2 weeks when we go back … Feb 20. I also know that God isn’t disappointed that I ask. He isn’t saying “What a goofus!” . He wants us to ask. Doesn’t it take a ‘mustard seed’ of faith to even ask? It’s all up to Him anyhow. I really don’t deserve a thing. But I am His. And He is mine. I will never boast in my strength anymore. I will boast about my weakness ... because He is strong.
Very Weakly Yours, Diane
P.S. I'm addicted to you and your prayers. :) I hope you don't mind!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Chemo #2 on Friday
Hi Dear Friends: I've been feeling well. :) Not much hair, but I feel good ... decent energy ... lighthearted at times. We're flying to Chicago on Thursday (Jan 29) morning and returning Saturday. Chemo at 10:30 (cleveland time) on Friday, Jan 30. I had a downright traumatizing experience last time. No more ER's!!!!! (even if the nurses/doctors were phenomenal ).
I'm hoping for a much better experience. I think it's prayer. People praying. Scripture. Faith.
I don't know. I just have hope. And that's a good thing. He is near.
I've gotten some tips from my Naturopath on things I can do to help things along. It makes me feels empowered somehow ... to be able to DO something for myself .. not just sit and take it.
A few of my symptoms have never quite disappeared (the rash is one) ... so I would covet your prayers. I'm educated about alot of things healthwise ... but this is too big and foreign for me ...
so I'm trusting that God would speak thru the doctors. If He wants me to change anything (delete the steroid or change meds or change doses) ... I guess I need Him to speak thru the doctors. And I'll need to accept what they say (a big deal for me). Please join me in praying for that. I need protection, that's for sure!!!! I will write and let you know, how He guided and answered your prayers. A friend said that if God could speak thru Balaam's donkey (old testament) ... that He could speak thru the doctors, too. All I know is that I cracked up hysterically when she said that!!! And it still makes me laugh! Speak Lord!
Oh ... if I've never asked for prayer for those airplane rides ... well ... you know ... it would be great if you did. Our last flight, we actually had to walk out to the plane in a blizzard! They had to de-ice the plane, and we took off in a huge snowstorm. Hmmmm. Another chance to trust Him.
My step-son, Billy, is getting married a week after chemo. I would really like to be able to be there ... untraumatized, energetic, well. Feb. 6 is the rehearsal and the 7th is the wedding. How could I possibly let my handsome husband go in his dashing tuxedo all by himself? Besides ... we have been taking ballroom dance lessons!!!!
Here's a verse that I love this week: Psalm 34 .... He is close to the brokenhearted, He rescues those whose spirits are crushed. I'm especially fond of the word 'rescue'.
I so appreciate you and I've never said this so much in life before .... I'm not an "I love you" kind of a person ... but I really love each one of you!
Diane
P.S. A special thanks to Bill and Andrew for letting me hang out at home without a hat or scarf or anything. I know it's weird and a little too 'real' ... but you have made me feel comfortable. You have handled it well. I'm praying for you.
P.P.S I have no idea why there are no spaces between paragraphs or why it doesn't look right!!! Silly blog!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Hair
it's very weird to take a shower and have nearly all your hair fall out in gobs ... like it did today. at least it doesn't hurt. look out for the roumanian in her head scarves. i will probably look more muslim. when i was in egypt (hi james, 'iffer', andrea, teri, etc.... were you there, cher?) the egyptians thought i was egyptian! i guess i will be 'all things to all people' ....
thanks for letting me write here, knowing you'll be reading it. somehow it's therapeutic for me.
thanks for letting me write here, knowing you'll be reading it. somehow it's therapeutic for me.
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