God Has A Plan For Your Life, And It Doesn't Include Fear

We’re flying to Chicago this Thursday (Feb 19, 7pm EST). No more planes falling from the sky!!!! Trying not to get worked up over this. Lots of snow and wind expected both days. Another chance to let go and trust Him. Oh boy. (return flight departs Saturday 2:30pm)

Chemotherapy #3 on Friday @ 12:30-4:30

I failed to ask for prayer last time for my anxiety, and to be more honest … my tendency to give in to panic. It usually strikes when the plane lands at O’Hare and builds thru that evening and the next morning till I’m in a tizzy. I"m a nut case.

“Lord, spare me from any allergic responses! Allow me to have less severe side effects. And how I appreciate and need the gift of Your presence. Speak thru the doctor, if you’d like to make any changes to protect your girl. Yes, protect me, Lord. We will be looking for Your fingerprints of mercy. And that tumor …. It’s in Your hands Lord. You know my prayer. I deserve nothing. But I know You love me. And You've given me the 'faith of a mustard seed'. Thank you for the people who read this and care. And thank you for the people who pray on my behalf. Build our faith, precious Lord. Make us the people You want us to be. Make a difference in our lives! And give us love. For you and each other. Thank you for changing a part of me thru this. Protect my family and I from sickness and infection during all of this. You are faithful. We have no other. You are enough. Amen.”

Do You Want The GOOD NEWS First?

Yes, it’s true! I was free to smile, laugh and dance at Billy’s wedding! Stayed until it was over! Simply amazing. My mom said “If you keep this up, no one will believe that you’re sick” …. Hahahahahahahahaha! You’ve gotta know my mom.

Thank you for praying for and encouraging me. It’s no little thing.

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John 10:10 “The thief comes to kill, steal and destroy … but I have come that you might have life … and life more abundantly” …. Jesus Christ

My 2nd chemo treatment was harder than I thought it would be. In some ways it was way better than the first one. I didn’t get the rash. I didn’t have a load of bricks on my chest. I didn’t land in the ER. I didn’t get a few other things I never told you about (because you just wouldn’t want to know that stuff). But I was still laid up for nearly 9 days again. Very nauseous this time. Heart beating over 120 for a few days. Head pounding. Unable to eat (couldn't take my pills that would help). Constant headache. Very scary constant heartburn for many days. Feeling like someone poured cement in my gut. Extreme exhaustion. Some of the things I did to alleviate side effects, actually made them worse. Very upset. Okay, ticked off. Defeated. And now I am experiencing neuropathy in my feet. I guess the chemo attacks the nervous system and muscles. My heels feel like I’m walking on needles. I’m so sad for my body.

Truth: “I am fearfully and wonderfully made” … Psalm 139

I am grateful: The appointment with the oncologist before the 2nd chemo went very well. She came in with my letter in hand. And she listened. And she adjusted some of my meds. We deleted the ‘take at home’ steroids. We deleted the ‘shot’ in my belly which caused me bone pain and other unlovely side affects. We laughed and hugged. She’s likeable. I am comfortable with her.

What’s the good news?: When the doctor felt the lump she was floored that it had decreased in size by 20% … it went from 5.5 cm to 4.3 after the 1st treatment. She kept saying “I’m impressed!”. Thank you for praying!

No belly shot and no steroid equals: Nausea, chance for allergic response, and low white blood cell counts (needed to fight infection).

The doctor labeled me as an: ENIGMA (the homeschool mom says “look it up in the dictionary”)

What would I say to someone who has cancer?: I have no clue. No one ever knows what to say. Every person needs something different. You never know if YOU have the golden key (golden words, golden prayers, golden demeanor). You never know.

What can you DO for someone who’s ill?: I don’t know … everyone’s different. Think ‘out of the box’. You don’t have to be traditional.

If you pray to Jesus … you can pray for: The neuropathy in my feet!!! That it wouldn’t be permanent. For my white blood cell count! No infection. And … I’m just plain scared and want to get off this chemo ‘boat’. I don’t want to lose hope, but I am discouraged because others only have a few days of feeling really bad … while my symptoms are overwhelming for quite a while. I want to have hope and a good attitude. Somehow it’s not what it was. The thought of another treatment …. what’s gonna happen next!!!!!??? I don't want to be an enigma!!!!

Another scripture: “When I am weak, He is strong” …

Don’t forget: the ER doctor’s words (you can go back to the previous blog titled “God in the ER)

Want to pray ridiculously? (Don't even read this unless you're brave): Pray that I wouldn’t need all the treatments (you know that I really mean ... no more treatments). That the tumor would be gone in 2 weeks when we go back … Feb 20. I also know that God isn’t disappointed that I ask. He isn’t saying “What a goofus!” . He wants us to ask. Doesn’t it take a ‘mustard seed’ of faith to even ask? It’s all up to Him anyhow. I really don’t deserve a thing. But I am His. And He is mine. I will never boast in my strength anymore. I will boast about my weakness ... because He is strong.

Very Weakly Yours, Diane

P.S. I'm addicted to you and your prayers. :) I hope you don't mind!

Chemo #2 on Friday

Hi Dear Friends: I've been feeling well. :) Not much hair, but I feel good ... decent energy ... lighthearted at times. We're flying to Chicago on Thursday (Jan 29) morning and returning Saturday. Chemo at 10:30 (cleveland time) on Friday, Jan 30. I had a downright traumatizing experience last time. No more ER's!!!!! (even if the nurses/doctors were phenomenal ).

I'm hoping for a much better experience. I think it's prayer. People praying. Scripture. Faith.

I don't know. I just have hope. And that's a good thing. He is near.

I've gotten some tips from my Naturopath on things I can do to help things along. It makes me feels empowered somehow ... to be able to DO something for myself .. not just sit and take it.

A few of my symptoms have never quite disappeared (the rash is one) ... so I would covet your prayers. I'm educated about alot of things healthwise ... but this is too big and foreign for me ...

so I'm trusting that God would speak thru the doctors. If He wants me to change anything (delete the steroid or change meds or change doses) ... I guess I need Him to speak thru the doctors. And I'll need to accept what they say (a big deal for me). Please join me in praying for that. I need protection, that's for sure!!!! I will write and let you know, how He guided and answered your prayers. A friend said that if God could speak thru Balaam's donkey (old testament) ... that He could speak thru the doctors, too. All I know is that I cracked up hysterically when she said that!!! And it still makes me laugh! Speak Lord!

Oh ... if I've never asked for prayer for those airplane rides ... well ... you know ... it would be great if you did. Our last flight, we actually had to walk out to the plane in a blizzard! They had to de-ice the plane, and we took off in a huge snowstorm. Hmmmm. Another chance to trust Him.

My step-son, Billy, is getting married a week after chemo. I would really like to be able to be there ... untraumatized, energetic, well. Feb. 6 is the rehearsal and the 7th is the wedding. How could I possibly let my handsome husband go in his dashing tuxedo all by himself? Besides ... we have been taking ballroom dance lessons!!!!

Here's a verse that I love this week: Psalm 34 .... He is close to the brokenhearted, He rescues those whose spirits are crushed. I'm especially fond of the word 'rescue'.

I so appreciate you and I've never said this so much in life before .... I'm not an "I love you" kind of a person ... but I really love each one of you!

Diane

P.S. A special thanks to Bill and Andrew for letting me hang out at home without a hat or scarf or anything. I know it's weird and a little too 'real' ... but you have made me feel comfortable. You have handled it well. I'm praying for you.

P.P.S I have no idea why there are no spaces between paragraphs or why it doesn't look right!!! Silly blog!

Hair

it's very weird to take a shower and have nearly all your hair fall out in gobs ... like it did today. at least it doesn't hurt. look out for the roumanian in her head scarves. i will probably look more muslim. when i was in egypt (hi james, 'iffer', andrea, teri, etc.... were you there, cher?) the egyptians thought i was egyptian! i guess i will be 'all things to all people' ....

thanks for letting me write here, knowing you'll be reading it. somehow it's therapeutic for me.

God in the ER

New famous quote I just made up: "I am probably one of the weakest, most emotionally fragile people you've ever met. I also have a strength that would amaze you." Feel free to quote me (just not to my face on a weak day .... :)

Fact: If you ever don't know how to 'take' me ... just say "Oh, she must be trying to be funny".

Today: I laughed. That's huge. I also sang worship songs at my piano. Again ... a huge step forward.

Thank you: Suzanne for taking me to the ER when I-71 was closed because of black ice. The Kuehn's for taking Andrew sledding. Sharon for daring to cook for us. (we have weird allergies).

Disclaimer: In what I share here ... I am simply NOT trying to convert you. I am NOT trying to preach. I have NEVER convinced anybody to follow Christ by talking to them. In fact, they've probably wanted to go in the opposite direction. Okay? Believe me? Good. Now let me tell you how Jesus Christ was in the ER. (He is God, you know ... Father, Son, Holy Spirit ... the Trinity ... nothing weird, just Christianity).

GOD IN THE ER: I have really been suffering... beyond what 'others' told me to expect from Chemotherapy. It is day 9 and I am just now thinking I might live thru this first round. Still haven't looked at my 'port'. I swint my eyes (told you I am weak). Bone pain. No sleep. A ton of bricks on my chest. Horrible heartburn. Incredible disabling weakness. Shaky. Headache. Every flu symptom you know. Sore Throat. Head pounding. Big itchy rash around my whole neck ... hives. My neck looks like a turkey's neck today. Nails hurt. Allergic reaction to the drugs. Resurgence of my candidiasis. Sore from surgery. In bed every day, all day. Scalp is numb. The nurses saying "you still feel bad? you don't have a fever do you?". Very sad and scared. I thought the bad part would only last 3-4 days. My nurse told me to go to the ER. Ugh. More pokes. Prods. Injections. CatScan to determine if I had a blod clot (i didn't). EKG. IV to hydrate me. I cried everytime I told someone why I was there.

I was met at every turn by compassionate people. Charlotte was the nurse who inserted the deep IV to hydrate me. She saw my emotional state and said "Let me tell you a story. My mom was diagnosed with cancer years and years ago and they told her she was going to die soon. I travelled from N Carolina to see her and we got on our knees and prayed. When she went back to the doctor, he was furious because he thought someone had confused her chart. It wasn't confused ... she had been healed. She still had to go thru alot ... but she was not going to die". I said "Do you pray to Jesus Christ?" She said "Yes"... And sometimes He gives me visions, and when I look at you I can see that you'll be okay". She said "I will be praying for you". I said "If you pray to Jesus, then will you pray for me right now?" She closed the curtain around my bed .... grabbed Suzanne's hand and my hand and prayed hard for me. Someone tried to interrupt us, and she said "Not now ... in just minute". One thing I remember .... she prayed that I would have the courage of a lion. I have also been wondering if I should see a certain doctor in Medina who may be able to help me get thru this with some natural approaches to ease the symptoms. I never told anyone. But Charlotte happened to say "My mom saw a Dr. in Medina who really helped her". I said "Is it Dr. Weeks?" She said "Yes!". She gave me his address. For me it was a confirmation to give him a call. When she left, we were stunned. What in the world had just happened?

The Sr. citizen volunteer lady told me she'd pray for me. I asked ... "Do you pray to Jesus? Because it's no use praying to anyone else ... because who else had the power to bust out of the grave?". She said 'yes'.

The ER doctor came in to tell me I could either stay in the hospital or go home. He was so compassionate. The shift had just changed, so this was the first time I had met this particular doctor. He looked at me with compassionate eyes, held my hand, and told me he would pray for me. I said "Do you pray to Jesus?". He said "yes, of course" ... and my first name is Angel (he was Hispanic). He felt that his name was significant. I was simply amazed by his warmth and gentleness. He affirmed the fact that chemo is an all-out assault on the body, and that I am indeed suffering. So during our conversation I asked him .. What can I expect in the next few days. He got quiet. Looked at me quite seriously. And slowly said "I ... am expecting a miracle". We all got quiet. He appeared rather choked up. Silence. I could not believe what this doctor said to me. When he left he told me he'd be praying for me. I believed him. My bro George and his wife Suzanne were both in the room. We were simply stunned. Awed. What was going on? God met us in the ER.

I have no definitions of what happened. No nothing. I can just tell you what was said and done. I could not have manipulated one of these conversations. I know that I am loved with an everlasting love. I will go and do and be a part of and believe anything that God tells me to. For now .... I am in awe. And I'm looking .....

I went home feeling just as bad physically (except ... I slept 4 straight hours that night). But something went on in Southwest General Hospital ER that day. I will bask in it. I will let myself be encouraged by His mercy. "I will look to the hills .... where does my help come from? My help comes from The Lord ... the maker of Heaven and Earth." Psalm 121

Question of the Day for Thursday, Jan 15: "Do you pray to Jesus Christ?" :)

going to the ER

nurse said to go to ER to get hydrated. check out heart stuff. check out candidiasis. check out allergic rash. :(

update on Jan 15

I am on day 7 and am still overcome by physical symptoms. The shooting bone pain has gone away. But I am up all night with heartburn, a rash, and some itching. I am weak and lethargic and shakey. Lots of symptoms like the candidiasis I've strugged with for years. Yes. I will call the nurse today, again. The word 'rescue' seems appropriate.

Psalm 54

"Come with great power, O God, and rescue me! Defend me with Your might. Listen to my prayer, O God. Pay attention to my pleas. For strangers are attacking me (heartburn, pain, headache, rash). But God is my helper. The Lord keeps me alive. "

I am wondering if I am doing the right thing. This is absolutely ridiculous. It appears that I am having the very symptoms I didn't want to have. I need relief. Other people only have symptoms for a few days. Don't give up. You are on this journey with me. I've seen your prayers work.

I will have some sort of immature fit if you write with advice ... well unless it's really awesome, and straight from God. Really, just asking for prayer and reassurance of His love.