I'VE HAD IT !!!!!

I've had my fill of losing hair, growing hair, and losing it again. Of sickness. Of pain. Of fear. Have I missed anything? I am definitely NOT a person of whom my husband will say "Through all her pain, I never heard my dear wife complain". I wish ........

FORGING AHEAD

I spent the last 2 weeks communicating with my oncologist. Unless God moves his jaw ... I'm forging ahead toward THE LAST .... THE FINAL CHEMO!!!!!!!!! Don't congratulate me yet!!!! I have a big mountain to climb to get over the effects of this LAST CHEMO!!!!!! Did I tell you this was my LAST CHEMO????!!!!!

Fly to Chicago Thursday night (June 25)
Appointments all Day Friday (June 26) ... Chemo 1:00 - 5:00
Fly Home Friday night (I'm outta there!!!!)

I usually feel absolutely fine the day of chemo and the day after. So if I'm gonna feel good ... I want to be home!!!!!!! So I'll get out of that chair and head to the airport!

I'm signed up for acupuncture before chemo this time. Hmmmmm .... anything to try to make it better! Interesting huh? This is a very cool hospital.

Anyhow ... remember how I prayed at the beginning of this that God would not let my insides be singed (isn't it spelled cinged?) by the fire of the chemo? That my organs would be protected? You remember ... like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in the Old Testament ... they did not get burned by the firey furnace. Well, I'm praying that again. "Lord, protect my body in an uncanny way"

I'm actually not yet recuperated from the last chemo (3 weeks ago). The stupid candida is a huge problem. So ..... if you pray, I'm asking for prayer for physical protection (Shadrach :) ... and as we all know ... my companion, fear. I'd like to lose that guy forever! What I'm looking for is spiritual victory. To me that means ... being able to keep my focus on the goodness of God (instead of shaking my fist) ... and being Thankful (I bet YOU wish I was thankful, too) ... and letting Him fill me with hope even as I suffer in my body (but wouldn't it be nice if my chemo experience wasn't so bad this time?) I try so hard to take care of my body ... and then WHAM! they go and just about kill my immune system every time!!!!!! Ahhhhhh!

I want to be good little girl-soldier for Christ. I don't want to waste my sufferings. I want to grow!!!!! I want to rest in Him. Worship Him. Well, I think that just about covers it. Let's see what the future holds. He cares for YOU ... and He cares for me. And hope is always appropriate. :)

COURAGE is ... endurance for one moment more

I'm very courageous! Are you?

DARK NIGHT

I had a rotten experience with the most recent chemo (june 3). I found it devastating physically, emotionally and spiritually. It was a dark experience ... marked with despair, lonliness, fear and isolation ... as well as physical pain and exhaustion. I sent a note on June 15 to my oncologist asking if he could possibly "release me from the last chemo treatment on June 25 in good conscience". I cannot imagine even one more treatment. It might seem so easy to say "it's your last one ... you can do it!" .... but you just don't understand. I have cried my way thru this last treatment. Anyhow, I am praying for Dr. Dennis Citrin. He is a traditional Jewish man who does not respect Christians because they rely on prayer. Lord ... speak thru Dr. Citrin. .... I guess I just continue to pray beyond the normal boundaries. Funny that I haven't given up.

MORE CHEMO ... MORE OF GOD!!!!

hi my dear friends:

sooooooooo .... we flew to chicago (cancer treatment ctrs of america) and met with the oncologist (the big guy). he said my glasses were the color of bile. what's with this guy?????? he thought it was hysterical. was this oncologist humor of some type?? but anyhow ... he gets giddy like a little girl when he talks about my progress. a while back he said "you are the classic success case of having had the chemo before surgery to shrink the tumor". this time he looked at me and said "if you continue with this treatment plan, i'm not talking about a remission for you ... i'm talking 'cure'. hmmmm. big words from a man who's worked with thousands of breast cancer patients. but out of the same mouth came .... "you will need two more rounds of chemo". i nearly knocked him down. i had to restrain myself. but since i had taken an ativan (you know, a pill to calm my nerves) i was able to act very civilized. bill was quite impressed.

well, anyhow ...needless to say, we didn't fly home that night .... but instead i sat in that dreaded chemo infusion chair for 4 hours from 6pm-10pm that night. i was the last one there!!!!!

so much prayer had gone into this. and The Lord has brought me so far in this journey in terms of faith (faith in Him, not faith in my being able to get out of chemo). i had wrestled with God over this for nearly a month. by the time i got to chicago i just had to rest in Him, and take it like a big girl.

in 3 weeks we will return for my last chemo treatment. then 4 weeks after that ... MY PORT COMES OUT!!!!! get that thing out of me!!!!

after that (probably early august) i will start daily radiation treatments for like 5 weeks (here in cleveland somewhere).

all of this cancer treatment just plain stinks. it's crazy. the whole thing is nuts. this pain is intense and is lasting wayyyyy tooo long. i go from one trauma to the next. one pain to the next. BUT HE has made it real in my heart that He will "never leave me nor forsake me". i would rather do this all natural... all alternative. but He is clearly guiding me down this toxic path. go figure. if He's willing to lead me ... then i'm willing to follow. and lead He has! He's a mystery ... that's for sure.

hey! i didn't need an ativan for either flight!!!! "if we crash He will be with me ... He promised" .... "i refuse to strive for His peace ... I will just rest and let Him find me ... I cannot go looking for Him" those were my thoughts. it was awesome!!!! just ask bill, if you don't believe me.

okay ... so that's that. i am really hoping and praying that i would not get radically and disgustingly and hopelessly sick this time. my really bad days would usually start on friday and go all the way to thursday. i will always ask for Him to have mercy on me. i will not give up on prayer. i will not give up on Him! He is too dear and near and true for me to do that. He tells me to cry out to Him ... and so I will. will you? for your own self ... or on my behalf ... or both? we should never be characterized by giving up ... especially on God. i have pockets of giving up. you probably do too. don't even talk to me next week ... i might be in one of those pockets. lucky for you ... i only write when i'm in a good 'spot' .... or almost in a good 'spot'.

i love you and thank God for you.

diane

p.s. we are becoming more and more enamored with CTCA ... what an awesome place!

WRESTLING WITH GOD

As usual … before I even get over one ‘hump’ … I have started thinking about the next one. As I continue to recuperate from surgery, I am haunted by the next stop on this train …. Possibly more chemo, radiation. Both of which make me horribly sad.

I’ve been crying a lot during the last week. Really scared of the thought of giving my whole summer to chemotherapy and then radiation (having already tasted the bitterness of chemo this last winter). I don't even know what the oncologist will tell me. There is no plan in place yet, but I have been making deals with The Almighty. Ever done that? I have no problem with it. He understands. But,

After much wrestling with the Lord, I’m almost at the point where I can say:

“Lord, who am I, that I would ask to be spared from something that others are not spared from? I don't know!! I know I have cried out to You, believing that You are still in the miracle business ... the deliverance business! I know that it's given me hope, and I know I've seen you do some pretty wild things. I'm not following the doctors, Lord!! I'm following You. Looking for You. Listening for You. And I've heard You speak thru them. And no matter what happens ... I am committed to walking thru this valley with You."

“Lord, I will do ANYTHING to get rid of this cancer for good!" "And I will do anything to come out of this more mature and less fearful and more trusting of YOU"

"Lord, I will go where You lead. I will obey. Even if it is painful. I know that I know that I know that I know that You did not bring this cancer to me. But it's here. And I will obey my way thru this difficult time. But it doesn't mean I won't cry the whole time (or at least in between blogs) :)"

I only want to follow the Lord Jesus Christ: To trust Him for big things ... but to obey in all things. There's nothing in all the world like hearing His heartbeat as I lean against His chest. There is a sweetness in suffering. I am loved. You are too.

We travel to Chicago May 27/28 ... at that time we'll know what future treatments will be recommended.

Isaiah 50:10 "Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God"

Hope Singing at Hospital Cafeteria

I'M VERY STRONG, VERY BRAVE, AND VERY COURAGEOUS!

....... And if YOU prayed, you can take the credit! I just put my armor on and marched forward into battle like a good little warrior-girl. I figured "It's gotta be done, so LET'S GET IT DONE! I've got flowers to get home to ... and Singing Angel Barbershop Harmony songs to sing ... so let's move on!" But I must tell you ... surgery is far better than chemotherapy in my book!

Today as I write this (Monday) I'm in unexpected pain ... so I write with a mix of anxiety and anger. Stupid pain. Anyhow ....

Everything went well. The margins around the tumor were clear (very, very good) and he took only 3 lymph nodes. Only the 'chief' lymph node had a hint of malignancy. When he tested the next two, they were clear. But since he cut them up, he had to take them out. But they were clear. The bottom line is .... I won't know THE NEXT STEP (chemo, radiation, tamoxifen, or RIDICULOUS NOTHING!) until I go back in one month. Dr. Ray will call me this week with the pathology report. I hope I can understand what he tells me.

I was so peaceful, knowing that alot of you guys had Dr. Ray 'covered' in prayer. And i just knew that the Holy Spirit was lighting up that O.R. I guess Dr. Ray came to me when I was still highly doped up in recovery, and told me that my lymphs were clear. At that point the nurses called Bill over and said "you're not normally allowed in here, but you've got to come see this". He came in to see me smiling real big and repeating over and over "it's not in my lymphs! it's not in my lymphs!" I was out of bed 24 hours later and had energy and joy mixed with a little trepidation.

Dr. Ray is so wonderful. He let me come in for an appointment every day after surgery to set my mind at ease. As I would share my deep concerns with him, he would reassure me ... and then somehow we would leave the appointment all cracking up. I had this ridiculous sense of humor going on. I think it was a ridiculous joy of sorts.

I must tell you that the rest of our time at CTCA was filled with a ton of laughter and joy, as well as depth of soul. God used my colorful scarves to open conversations with strangers. They seemed to be approaching me constantly the whole week. "I like your scarf" .... then I was able to talk with them. It ended up being a week of being encouraged by others ... and a week of me encouraging others ... a week of entering into other people's pain ... and a week of ridiculous humor as well. I don't think I ever laughed as much as I did the days following surgery. It was ridiculous.

I want to tell you about Hope. She's an Asian lady probably in her 60's. She works for CTCA by pushing a cart around with goodies for the Chemo patients to eat and drink. Sometimes she sings songs as she pushes the cart. They are always songs about Jesus. This week we saw her stand in a waiting room packed full of 'heavy' souls' and just start singing. She doesn't sing complete songs ... just parts of songs. Some are hymns. Some are worship choruses. And sometimes they're way too high or way too low. Well one time, Bill and I got on the elevator, and Hope was in it too. Just the 3 of us. Hope doesn't talk too much, she just sings. So the 3 of us just started singing real loud "Thank you for the Cross, Lord. Thank you for price You paid. Bearing all my sin and shame, in love You came, and gave amazing love". Then as the doors opened we just kept singing as we walked down the hall. No embarrassment. Then ... later she was singing in the dining room with her guitar. She was there for like 15 minutes singing to a full capacity crowd of scared, hurting people. They clapped and smiled after each song. We can't believe they haven't 'shut her down'. But we think it's because she's a little 'different' and no one wants to stop her. She's not really a singer ... and that actually endears her to people. She sings straight from her heart. And she just radiates love.

Oh ... you know what? Speaking of Christianity ... I have needed to clarify something for a long, long time. I mis-stated at the beginning (way back in December) that Cancer Treatment Ctrs of America is a Christian-based organization. It's not. I misconstrued it. But there are many people there who walk with Jesus. And we are just loving it. It's in a town called Zion (a Biblical town name), and it was founded by a pastor and his church a lonnnnng time ago. Almost all the street names are biblical. The hospital is on Elijah Street. So, no, it's not a Christian place ... but Jesus is welcome to roam the halls there. And for that we are grateful.

Well ... I have to go take a pain pill and empty my drain tube (I just know you wish I hadn't told you that ... now I've just ruined your day). But I love you with all my heart, and I pray for you often ... for God to bless you as He's blest me ... for you to have the strength to walk thru this life with Him. Till next time ... i remain faithfully yours, Diane