I had a rotten experience with the most recent chemo (june 3). I found it devastating physically, emotionally and spiritually. It was a dark experience ... marked with despair, lonliness, fear and isolation ... as well as physical pain and exhaustion. I sent a note on June 15 to my oncologist asking if he could possibly "release me from the last chemo treatment on June 25 in good conscience". I cannot imagine even one more treatment. It might seem so easy to say "it's your last one ... you can do it!" .... but you just don't understand. I have cried my way thru this last treatment. Anyhow, I am praying for Dr. Dennis Citrin. He is a traditional Jewish man who does not respect Christians because they rely on prayer. Lord ... speak thru Dr. Citrin. .... I guess I just continue to pray beyond the normal boundaries. Funny that I haven't given up.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Thursday, June 4, 2009
MORE CHEMO ... MORE OF GOD!!!!
hi my dear friends:
sooooooooo .... we flew to chicago (cancer treatment ctrs of america) and met with the oncologist (the big guy). he said my glasses were the color of bile. what's with this guy?????? he thought it was hysterical. was this oncologist humor of some type?? but anyhow ... he gets giddy like a little girl when he talks about my progress. a while back he said "you are the classic success case of having had the chemo before surgery to shrink the tumor". this time he looked at me and said "if you continue with this treatment plan, i'm not talking about a remission for you ... i'm talking 'cure'. hmmmm. big words from a man who's worked with thousands of breast cancer patients. but out of the same mouth came .... "you will need two more rounds of chemo". i nearly knocked him down. i had to restrain myself. but since i had taken an ativan (you know, a pill to calm my nerves) i was able to act very civilized. bill was quite impressed.
well, anyhow ...needless to say, we didn't fly home that night .... but instead i sat in that dreaded chemo infusion chair for 4 hours from 6pm-10pm that night. i was the last one there!!!!!
so much prayer had gone into this. and The Lord has brought me so far in this journey in terms of faith (faith in Him, not faith in my being able to get out of chemo). i had wrestled with God over this for nearly a month. by the time i got to chicago i just had to rest in Him, and take it like a big girl.
in 3 weeks we will return for my last chemo treatment. then 4 weeks after that ... MY PORT COMES OUT!!!!! get that thing out of me!!!!
after that (probably early august) i will start daily radiation treatments for like 5 weeks (here in cleveland somewhere).
all of this cancer treatment just plain stinks. it's crazy. the whole thing is nuts. this pain is intense and is lasting wayyyyy tooo long. i go from one trauma to the next. one pain to the next. BUT HE has made it real in my heart that He will "never leave me nor forsake me". i would rather do this all natural... all alternative. but He is clearly guiding me down this toxic path. go figure. if He's willing to lead me ... then i'm willing to follow. and lead He has! He's a mystery ... that's for sure.
hey! i didn't need an ativan for either flight!!!! "if we crash He will be with me ... He promised" .... "i refuse to strive for His peace ... I will just rest and let Him find me ... I cannot go looking for Him" those were my thoughts. it was awesome!!!! just ask bill, if you don't believe me.
okay ... so that's that. i am really hoping and praying that i would not get radically and disgustingly and hopelessly sick this time. my really bad days would usually start on friday and go all the way to thursday. i will always ask for Him to have mercy on me. i will not give up on prayer. i will not give up on Him! He is too dear and near and true for me to do that. He tells me to cry out to Him ... and so I will. will you? for your own self ... or on my behalf ... or both? we should never be characterized by giving up ... especially on God. i have pockets of giving up. you probably do too. don't even talk to me next week ... i might be in one of those pockets. lucky for you ... i only write when i'm in a good 'spot' .... or almost in a good 'spot'.
i love you and thank God for you.
diane
p.s. we are becoming more and more enamored with CTCA ... what an awesome place!
sooooooooo .... we flew to chicago (cancer treatment ctrs of america) and met with the oncologist (the big guy). he said my glasses were the color of bile. what's with this guy?????? he thought it was hysterical. was this oncologist humor of some type?? but anyhow ... he gets giddy like a little girl when he talks about my progress. a while back he said "you are the classic success case of having had the chemo before surgery to shrink the tumor". this time he looked at me and said "if you continue with this treatment plan, i'm not talking about a remission for you ... i'm talking 'cure'. hmmmm. big words from a man who's worked with thousands of breast cancer patients. but out of the same mouth came .... "you will need two more rounds of chemo". i nearly knocked him down. i had to restrain myself. but since i had taken an ativan (you know, a pill to calm my nerves) i was able to act very civilized. bill was quite impressed.
well, anyhow ...needless to say, we didn't fly home that night .... but instead i sat in that dreaded chemo infusion chair for 4 hours from 6pm-10pm that night. i was the last one there!!!!!
so much prayer had gone into this. and The Lord has brought me so far in this journey in terms of faith (faith in Him, not faith in my being able to get out of chemo). i had wrestled with God over this for nearly a month. by the time i got to chicago i just had to rest in Him, and take it like a big girl.
in 3 weeks we will return for my last chemo treatment. then 4 weeks after that ... MY PORT COMES OUT!!!!! get that thing out of me!!!!
after that (probably early august) i will start daily radiation treatments for like 5 weeks (here in cleveland somewhere).
all of this cancer treatment just plain stinks. it's crazy. the whole thing is nuts. this pain is intense and is lasting wayyyyy tooo long. i go from one trauma to the next. one pain to the next. BUT HE has made it real in my heart that He will "never leave me nor forsake me". i would rather do this all natural... all alternative. but He is clearly guiding me down this toxic path. go figure. if He's willing to lead me ... then i'm willing to follow. and lead He has! He's a mystery ... that's for sure.
hey! i didn't need an ativan for either flight!!!! "if we crash He will be with me ... He promised" .... "i refuse to strive for His peace ... I will just rest and let Him find me ... I cannot go looking for Him" those were my thoughts. it was awesome!!!! just ask bill, if you don't believe me.
okay ... so that's that. i am really hoping and praying that i would not get radically and disgustingly and hopelessly sick this time. my really bad days would usually start on friday and go all the way to thursday. i will always ask for Him to have mercy on me. i will not give up on prayer. i will not give up on Him! He is too dear and near and true for me to do that. He tells me to cry out to Him ... and so I will. will you? for your own self ... or on my behalf ... or both? we should never be characterized by giving up ... especially on God. i have pockets of giving up. you probably do too. don't even talk to me next week ... i might be in one of those pockets. lucky for you ... i only write when i'm in a good 'spot' .... or almost in a good 'spot'.
i love you and thank God for you.
diane
p.s. we are becoming more and more enamored with CTCA ... what an awesome place!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
WRESTLING WITH GOD
As usual … before I even get over one ‘hump’ … I have started thinking about the next one. As I continue to recuperate from surgery, I am haunted by the next stop on this train …. Possibly more chemo, radiation. Both of which make me horribly sad.
I’ve been crying a lot during the last week. Really scared of the thought of giving my whole summer to chemotherapy and then radiation (having already tasted the bitterness of chemo this last winter). I don't even know what the oncologist will tell me. There is no plan in place yet, but I have been making deals with The Almighty. Ever done that? I have no problem with it. He understands. But,
After much wrestling with the Lord, I’m almost at the point where I can say:
“Lord, who am I, that I would ask to be spared from something that others are not spared from? I don't know!! I know I have cried out to You, believing that You are still in the miracle business ... the deliverance business! I know that it's given me hope, and I know I've seen you do some pretty wild things. I'm not following the doctors, Lord!! I'm following You. Looking for You. Listening for You. And I've heard You speak thru them. And no matter what happens ... I am committed to walking thru this valley with You."
“Lord, I will do ANYTHING to get rid of this cancer for good!" "And I will do anything to come out of this more mature and less fearful and more trusting of YOU"
"Lord, I will go where You lead. I will obey. Even if it is painful. I know that I know that I know that I know that You did not bring this cancer to me. But it's here. And I will obey my way thru this difficult time. But it doesn't mean I won't cry the whole time (or at least in between blogs) :)"
I only want to follow the Lord Jesus Christ: To trust Him for big things ... but to obey in all things. There's nothing in all the world like hearing His heartbeat as I lean against His chest. There is a sweetness in suffering. I am loved. You are too.
We travel to Chicago May 27/28 ... at that time we'll know what future treatments will be recommended.
I’ve been crying a lot during the last week. Really scared of the thought of giving my whole summer to chemotherapy and then radiation (having already tasted the bitterness of chemo this last winter). I don't even know what the oncologist will tell me. There is no plan in place yet, but I have been making deals with The Almighty. Ever done that? I have no problem with it. He understands. But,
After much wrestling with the Lord, I’m almost at the point where I can say:
“Lord, who am I, that I would ask to be spared from something that others are not spared from? I don't know!! I know I have cried out to You, believing that You are still in the miracle business ... the deliverance business! I know that it's given me hope, and I know I've seen you do some pretty wild things. I'm not following the doctors, Lord!! I'm following You. Looking for You. Listening for You. And I've heard You speak thru them. And no matter what happens ... I am committed to walking thru this valley with You."
“Lord, I will do ANYTHING to get rid of this cancer for good!" "And I will do anything to come out of this more mature and less fearful and more trusting of YOU"
"Lord, I will go where You lead. I will obey. Even if it is painful. I know that I know that I know that I know that You did not bring this cancer to me. But it's here. And I will obey my way thru this difficult time. But it doesn't mean I won't cry the whole time (or at least in between blogs) :)"
I only want to follow the Lord Jesus Christ: To trust Him for big things ... but to obey in all things. There's nothing in all the world like hearing His heartbeat as I lean against His chest. There is a sweetness in suffering. I am loved. You are too.
We travel to Chicago May 27/28 ... at that time we'll know what future treatments will be recommended.
Isaiah 50:10 "Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God"
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
I'M VERY STRONG, VERY BRAVE, AND VERY COURAGEOUS!
....... And if YOU prayed, you can take the credit! I just put my armor on and marched forward into battle like a good little warrior-girl. I figured "It's gotta be done, so LET'S GET IT DONE! I've got flowers to get home to ... and Singing Angel Barbershop Harmony songs to sing ... so let's move on!" But I must tell you ... surgery is far better than chemotherapy in my book!
Today as I write this (Monday) I'm in unexpected pain ... so I write with a mix of anxiety and anger. Stupid pain. Anyhow ....
Everything went well. The margins around the tumor were clear (very, very good) and he took only 3 lymph nodes. Only the 'chief' lymph node had a hint of malignancy. When he tested the next two, they were clear. But since he cut them up, he had to take them out. But they were clear. The bottom line is .... I won't know THE NEXT STEP (chemo, radiation, tamoxifen, or RIDICULOUS NOTHING!) until I go back in one month. Dr. Ray will call me this week with the pathology report. I hope I can understand what he tells me.
I was so peaceful, knowing that alot of you guys had Dr. Ray 'covered' in prayer. And i just knew that the Holy Spirit was lighting up that O.R. I guess Dr. Ray came to me when I was still highly doped up in recovery, and told me that my lymphs were clear. At that point the nurses called Bill over and said "you're not normally allowed in here, but you've got to come see this". He came in to see me smiling real big and repeating over and over "it's not in my lymphs! it's not in my lymphs!" I was out of bed 24 hours later and had energy and joy mixed with a little trepidation.
Dr. Ray is so wonderful. He let me come in for an appointment every day after surgery to set my mind at ease. As I would share my deep concerns with him, he would reassure me ... and then somehow we would leave the appointment all cracking up. I had this ridiculous sense of humor going on. I think it was a ridiculous joy of sorts.
I must tell you that the rest of our time at CTCA was filled with a ton of laughter and joy, as well as depth of soul. God used my colorful scarves to open conversations with strangers. They seemed to be approaching me constantly the whole week. "I like your scarf" .... then I was able to talk with them. It ended up being a week of being encouraged by others ... and a week of me encouraging others ... a week of entering into other people's pain ... and a week of ridiculous humor as well. I don't think I ever laughed as much as I did the days following surgery. It was ridiculous.
I want to tell you about Hope. She's an Asian lady probably in her 60's. She works for CTCA by pushing a cart around with goodies for the Chemo patients to eat and drink. Sometimes she sings songs as she pushes the cart. They are always songs about Jesus. This week we saw her stand in a waiting room packed full of 'heavy' souls' and just start singing. She doesn't sing complete songs ... just parts of songs. Some are hymns. Some are worship choruses. And sometimes they're way too high or way too low. Well one time, Bill and I got on the elevator, and Hope was in it too. Just the 3 of us. Hope doesn't talk too much, she just sings. So the 3 of us just started singing real loud "Thank you for the Cross, Lord. Thank you for price You paid. Bearing all my sin and shame, in love You came, and gave amazing love". Then as the doors opened we just kept singing as we walked down the hall. No embarrassment. Then ... later she was singing in the dining room with her guitar. She was there for like 15 minutes singing to a full capacity crowd of scared, hurting people. They clapped and smiled after each song. We can't believe they haven't 'shut her down'. But we think it's because she's a little 'different' and no one wants to stop her. She's not really a singer ... and that actually endears her to people. She sings straight from her heart. And she just radiates love.
Oh ... you know what? Speaking of Christianity ... I have needed to clarify something for a long, long time. I mis-stated at the beginning (way back in December) that Cancer Treatment Ctrs of America is a Christian-based organization. It's not. I misconstrued it. But there are many people there who walk with Jesus. And we are just loving it. It's in a town called Zion (a Biblical town name), and it was founded by a pastor and his church a lonnnnng time ago. Almost all the street names are biblical. The hospital is on Elijah Street. So, no, it's not a Christian place ... but Jesus is welcome to roam the halls there. And for that we are grateful.
Well ... I have to go take a pain pill and empty my drain tube (I just know you wish I hadn't told you that ... now I've just ruined your day). But I love you with all my heart, and I pray for you often ... for God to bless you as He's blest me ... for you to have the strength to walk thru this life with Him. Till next time ... i remain faithfully yours, Diane
Today as I write this (Monday) I'm in unexpected pain ... so I write with a mix of anxiety and anger. Stupid pain. Anyhow ....
Everything went well. The margins around the tumor were clear (very, very good) and he took only 3 lymph nodes. Only the 'chief' lymph node had a hint of malignancy. When he tested the next two, they were clear. But since he cut them up, he had to take them out. But they were clear. The bottom line is .... I won't know THE NEXT STEP (chemo, radiation, tamoxifen, or RIDICULOUS NOTHING!) until I go back in one month. Dr. Ray will call me this week with the pathology report. I hope I can understand what he tells me.
I was so peaceful, knowing that alot of you guys had Dr. Ray 'covered' in prayer. And i just knew that the Holy Spirit was lighting up that O.R. I guess Dr. Ray came to me when I was still highly doped up in recovery, and told me that my lymphs were clear. At that point the nurses called Bill over and said "you're not normally allowed in here, but you've got to come see this". He came in to see me smiling real big and repeating over and over "it's not in my lymphs! it's not in my lymphs!" I was out of bed 24 hours later and had energy and joy mixed with a little trepidation.
Dr. Ray is so wonderful. He let me come in for an appointment every day after surgery to set my mind at ease. As I would share my deep concerns with him, he would reassure me ... and then somehow we would leave the appointment all cracking up. I had this ridiculous sense of humor going on. I think it was a ridiculous joy of sorts.
I must tell you that the rest of our time at CTCA was filled with a ton of laughter and joy, as well as depth of soul. God used my colorful scarves to open conversations with strangers. They seemed to be approaching me constantly the whole week. "I like your scarf" .... then I was able to talk with them. It ended up being a week of being encouraged by others ... and a week of me encouraging others ... a week of entering into other people's pain ... and a week of ridiculous humor as well. I don't think I ever laughed as much as I did the days following surgery. It was ridiculous.
I want to tell you about Hope. She's an Asian lady probably in her 60's. She works for CTCA by pushing a cart around with goodies for the Chemo patients to eat and drink. Sometimes she sings songs as she pushes the cart. They are always songs about Jesus. This week we saw her stand in a waiting room packed full of 'heavy' souls' and just start singing. She doesn't sing complete songs ... just parts of songs. Some are hymns. Some are worship choruses. And sometimes they're way too high or way too low. Well one time, Bill and I got on the elevator, and Hope was in it too. Just the 3 of us. Hope doesn't talk too much, she just sings. So the 3 of us just started singing real loud "Thank you for the Cross, Lord. Thank you for price You paid. Bearing all my sin and shame, in love You came, and gave amazing love". Then as the doors opened we just kept singing as we walked down the hall. No embarrassment. Then ... later she was singing in the dining room with her guitar. She was there for like 15 minutes singing to a full capacity crowd of scared, hurting people. They clapped and smiled after each song. We can't believe they haven't 'shut her down'. But we think it's because she's a little 'different' and no one wants to stop her. She's not really a singer ... and that actually endears her to people. She sings straight from her heart. And she just radiates love.
Oh ... you know what? Speaking of Christianity ... I have needed to clarify something for a long, long time. I mis-stated at the beginning (way back in December) that Cancer Treatment Ctrs of America is a Christian-based organization. It's not. I misconstrued it. But there are many people there who walk with Jesus. And we are just loving it. It's in a town called Zion (a Biblical town name), and it was founded by a pastor and his church a lonnnnng time ago. Almost all the street names are biblical. The hospital is on Elijah Street. So, no, it's not a Christian place ... but Jesus is welcome to roam the halls there. And for that we are grateful.
Well ... I have to go take a pain pill and empty my drain tube (I just know you wish I hadn't told you that ... now I've just ruined your day). But I love you with all my heart, and I pray for you often ... for God to bless you as He's blest me ... for you to have the strength to walk thru this life with Him. Till next time ... i remain faithfully yours, Diane
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
SURGERY
Bill and I leave for Chicago on Sunday April 26 and I will have surgery (lumpectomy) on TUESDAY APRIL 28 @ 1:30PM (Cleveland time EST). Very Nasty procedures @ 10am and 11am that same day. We'll be gone for a week.
I am neither brave nor courageous, and my heart is pounding as I write this. Fear is a true enemy of mine. A formidable foe.
I'm hoping that some of you may be willing to pray for DR. RAY, my surgeon. I'm looking for anyone who might be willing to pray (to Jesus) for Dr. Ray every day starting today. Pray as God leads you to pray. I don't want to wait till the last minute. While I'm lying on the table, it will help me greatly knowing that he is 'covered in prayer' by you, and that I don't have to get all worked up. Do you know what I mean?
I've had a great 2 weeks of feeling very good. This has caused a huge dilemma, in that now no one believes I'm sick or need prayer!!! I need to start acting sickly. Maybe I won't wear make-up in public! Maybe I should only wear my black scarves. No more bright pinks and purples! Perhaps I shouldn't burst out laughing. Well ... all I know is that laughter is good medicine. And this has been my motto from the beginning "When I can smile ... I will smile big. When I can laugh ... I will laugh ... loud and hard! ... because there's been many times when I can do neither.
For today I will smile and laugh. And today I know this, and will fight to hold onto it: Jesus has promised "I will never leave you nor forsake you". Believe it, Diane. You believe it, too. Okay?
Want to see Dr. Ray talking? http://www.cancercenter.com/midwestern-hospital/physicians/stephen-ray.cfm
I am neither brave nor courageous, and my heart is pounding as I write this. Fear is a true enemy of mine. A formidable foe.
I'm hoping that some of you may be willing to pray for DR. RAY, my surgeon. I'm looking for anyone who might be willing to pray (to Jesus) for Dr. Ray every day starting today. Pray as God leads you to pray. I don't want to wait till the last minute. While I'm lying on the table, it will help me greatly knowing that he is 'covered in prayer' by you, and that I don't have to get all worked up. Do you know what I mean?
I've had a great 2 weeks of feeling very good. This has caused a huge dilemma, in that now no one believes I'm sick or need prayer!!! I need to start acting sickly. Maybe I won't wear make-up in public! Maybe I should only wear my black scarves. No more bright pinks and purples! Perhaps I shouldn't burst out laughing. Well ... all I know is that laughter is good medicine. And this has been my motto from the beginning "When I can smile ... I will smile big. When I can laugh ... I will laugh ... loud and hard! ... because there's been many times when I can do neither.
For today I will smile and laugh. And today I know this, and will fight to hold onto it: Jesus has promised "I will never leave you nor forsake you". Believe it, Diane. You believe it, too. Okay?
Want to see Dr. Ray talking? http://www.cancercenter.com/midwestern-hospital/physicians/stephen-ray.cfm
Monday, April 6, 2009
AN EMAIL I SENT OUT APRIL 4TH
i wanted you to know that a lumpectomy (not a mastectomy) is scheduled in chicago for april 28 (tues). horribly nasty procedures on april 27 (mon). the tumor did not pull away from the chest wall. instead it was pulling the chest wall up with it. but it did shrink. the lymphs shrunk also. they are all very pleased with the clinical result of the chemo. they won't know til after surgery (pathology report) if i need more chemo (less dose). it depends on if there are 'clear margins' and how the lymphs look. at this point i don't know how i could possibly handle more chemo. 3+ weeks past my last chemo and i'm still not well. radiation is seemingly inevitable. then tamoxifen (a drug to suppress estrogen ... for 5 years). i know most of you are not interested in all this 'clinical' talk ... but many are ... so i'm sorry if you didn't want all this info. but i still thank you for remembering me ... and all the myriads of others going thru the same trial. it's an unbelievable road.
i'm gonna work thru this. it's all a process ... emotionally, physically, spiritually. thank you for caring.
p.s. i'm looking for emails from any of you who have information and opinions about removing the ovaries so that i won't need to be on tamoxifen. (tamoxifen can cause uterine cancer). this stupid tumor is fed by estrogen. email is the best way for me to receive this info. keep in mind that i would jump this ship in a minute to do things naturally. i'm hoping for opinions as well as a website or two i can visit. i know some of you have no ovaries ... and are sorry about it. if you have input, i'd be interested. (bill said he doesn't have ovaries, but he can't help me).
p.p.s.. i'll tell you about the MRI on the blog later. He was there. :)
p.p.p.s. so grateful that i didn't get another chemo this week. unbelievable mercy.
p.p.p.p.s. (am i doing these p.s.'s right? ... homeschool moms can let me know) .... am struggling with the thought of being so far away from my support system (family & crucial friends) during surgery. but we know we are in the right place (cancer treatment ctrs in chicago). my surgeon is one of only 5 surgeons in the U.S. who does what he does. he's well-seasoned at the age of 66. i think that's a good age. he's seen it all and has good intuition.
p.p.p.p.p.s. do you remember when i prayed that my organs wouldn't be harmed by the 'fire' of the chemicals? the oncologist always giggles out loud when she reads the lab report because my liver keeps getting healthier and healthier. well now. that's something to ponder. :)
thanks for cheering me up. i feel better than when i started writing this. i had only planned on writing 3 incomplete sentences with only bare minimum details.
i'm gonna work thru this. it's all a process ... emotionally, physically, spiritually. thank you for caring.
p.s. i'm looking for emails from any of you who have information and opinions about removing the ovaries so that i won't need to be on tamoxifen. (tamoxifen can cause uterine cancer). this stupid tumor is fed by estrogen. email is the best way for me to receive this info. keep in mind that i would jump this ship in a minute to do things naturally. i'm hoping for opinions as well as a website or two i can visit. i know some of you have no ovaries ... and are sorry about it. if you have input, i'd be interested. (bill said he doesn't have ovaries, but he can't help me).
p.p.s.. i'll tell you about the MRI on the blog later. He was there. :)
p.p.p.s. so grateful that i didn't get another chemo this week. unbelievable mercy.
p.p.p.p.s. (am i doing these p.s.'s right? ... homeschool moms can let me know) .... am struggling with the thought of being so far away from my support system (family & crucial friends) during surgery. but we know we are in the right place (cancer treatment ctrs in chicago). my surgeon is one of only 5 surgeons in the U.S. who does what he does. he's well-seasoned at the age of 66. i think that's a good age. he's seen it all and has good intuition.
p.p.p.p.p.s. do you remember when i prayed that my organs wouldn't be harmed by the 'fire' of the chemicals? the oncologist always giggles out loud when she reads the lab report because my liver keeps getting healthier and healthier. well now. that's something to ponder. :)
thanks for cheering me up. i feel better than when i started writing this. i had only planned on writing 3 incomplete sentences with only bare minimum details.
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