I am on day 7 and am still overcome by physical symptoms. The shooting bone pain has gone away. But I am up all night with heartburn, a rash, and some itching. I am weak and lethargic and shakey. Lots of symptoms like the candidiasis I've strugged with for years. Yes. I will call the nurse today, again. The word 'rescue' seems appropriate.
Psalm 54
"Come with great power, O God, and rescue me! Defend me with Your might. Listen to my prayer, O God. Pay attention to my pleas. For strangers are attacking me (heartburn, pain, headache, rash). But God is my helper. The Lord keeps me alive. "
I am wondering if I am doing the right thing. This is absolutely ridiculous. It appears that I am having the very symptoms I didn't want to have. I need relief. Other people only have symptoms for a few days. Don't give up. You are on this journey with me. I've seen your prayers work.
I will have some sort of immature fit if you write with advice ... well unless it's really awesome, and straight from God. Really, just asking for prayer and reassurance of His love.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
P.S.
i couldn't figure out how to edit, so i'm just writing a little note here. the previous title 'ceiling ...' was meant to let you know that your prayers went thru the ceiling and reached our big God. i was thoroughly amazed, and will remember your prayers and His power forever. :)
the ceiling and other thoughts
i've been so hesitant to write. because i don't know what to write. i want to encourage you and thank you ... but i feel like a failure right now. i'll just start with the bad stuff and then go forward to the good stuff. i am sore and very sad. i don't like this at all. don't want to be depressed ... need to move on. but i am sort of shell-shocked (in all ways). not sure what a day will hold for me. it's all a bit too real.
okay ... now the good stuff. it's your prayers to my Jesus. never feel ineffective. never. never feel like you are just 'one'. i was so not panic-striken when we were at CTCA. i didn't have to reach out for His hand ... i didn't have to even pray ... all i did was relax and bask in His love. i'm serious. He came to ME ... i did not have to go to HIM. i have never experienced that in my entire life. thank you, and thank you, Lord. a few times i got really nervous, and He sent someone to talk to me. i met a nurse who knows Christ, and she just held me. we found a pastor there to come and talk to us, and he is a solid follower of Christ.
should i share with you my 'ridiculous' prayer request? remember in the old testament, the 3 men who were thrown into the fire? shadrach, meshach, and abednego. and God himself was in there with them? and they weren't burned? not even their clothes? it was ridiculous! i am asking that the Lord might do that for my organs and immune system ... that all the 'fire' of these chemicals and poisons would not singe me or harm me. if you're a 'ridiculous' believer ... you may want to join me. it's all up to Him. but i don't think He minds me asking. i hope He's pleased. (check it out in Daniel chapter 3 around verse 12 .....)
well ... i'll close for now. thanks to each of you. even if you don't share my faith in Christ ... just your caring and kindness is huge to me. i love each of you. thanks for letting me express myself. much love, diane
okay ... now the good stuff. it's your prayers to my Jesus. never feel ineffective. never. never feel like you are just 'one'. i was so not panic-striken when we were at CTCA. i didn't have to reach out for His hand ... i didn't have to even pray ... all i did was relax and bask in His love. i'm serious. He came to ME ... i did not have to go to HIM. i have never experienced that in my entire life. thank you, and thank you, Lord. a few times i got really nervous, and He sent someone to talk to me. i met a nurse who knows Christ, and she just held me. we found a pastor there to come and talk to us, and he is a solid follower of Christ.
should i share with you my 'ridiculous' prayer request? remember in the old testament, the 3 men who were thrown into the fire? shadrach, meshach, and abednego. and God himself was in there with them? and they weren't burned? not even their clothes? it was ridiculous! i am asking that the Lord might do that for my organs and immune system ... that all the 'fire' of these chemicals and poisons would not singe me or harm me. if you're a 'ridiculous' believer ... you may want to join me. it's all up to Him. but i don't think He minds me asking. i hope He's pleased. (check it out in Daniel chapter 3 around verse 12 .....)
well ... i'll close for now. thanks to each of you. even if you don't share my faith in Christ ... just your caring and kindness is huge to me. i love each of you. thanks for letting me express myself. much love, diane
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
First Chemotherapy
bill and i fly to chicago on thursday morning jan. 8 and return to cleveland on saturday, late afternoon.
THURSDAY: 1:00 get my hair cut at CTCA real, real short to prepare for hair loss. i'm betting I'll look fairly roumanian :) Probably a whole lot once the hair is gone in 2 weeks.
FRIDAY:
5:30am Arrive at CTCA
7:30am Port put in surgically on upper left chest (we think that while I'm in a 'twilight' that they will also place a 'clip' in the tumor itself ... as a 'marker')
9:30am They will administer chemotherapy thru the port.
10:00am Naturopath will visit with me to discuss helpful supplements, etc.
3:15pm A foot massage was scheduled last week.
i will spend the night in the hospital for observation. (hopefully bill will stay with me)
SATURDAY: flight to Cleveland leaves 1:30
Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls ... i've had a few good days where my head stopped pounding and I my stomach unknotted. but today is not one of them. do you know this about me? do you know that I've barely taken any drugs for over 10 years? i have had some bad reactions to drugs and have learned to treat my illnesses naturally. successfully, too. what is going to happen to my organs and immune system is unthinkable to me. can you get inside my skin on this? i am beside myself and am asking that if you are a person who prays to Jesus Christ, that you could life me up in the following ways:
1. no panic ... emotions 'at bay' ... God's peace
2. no trauma ... all procedures would go well
3. no unusual or allergic reactions to the chemo or 'port' or 'clip' ... (i mean 'ever'!). the regular side effects are bad enough ... let alone some strange reaction ... upsetting.
many people go thru this all over the world, every day, every hour! many are stoic. brave. just 'rising to the occassion'. facing it with maturity. i wish that was me. i am actually not afraid to die. but, i don't like people messing with me and hurting me, and putting poisons in me, though!!!! and acting like i shouldn't be disturbed!!!!
so there you have it. you can either write on this blog or use my email. either way is okay. some don't want to be so public with their responses. yep ... that's okay. i can retrieve the emails when i'm at home, and that's good too. well, i love you all and will write when i can. your prayers are a great comfort. i know you're not praying to the ceiling! i've lived too long to deny His power in my life.
diane
THURSDAY: 1:00 get my hair cut at CTCA real, real short to prepare for hair loss. i'm betting I'll look fairly roumanian :) Probably a whole lot once the hair is gone in 2 weeks.
FRIDAY:
5:30am Arrive at CTCA
7:30am Port put in surgically on upper left chest (we think that while I'm in a 'twilight' that they will also place a 'clip' in the tumor itself ... as a 'marker')
9:30am They will administer chemotherapy thru the port.
10:00am Naturopath will visit with me to discuss helpful supplements, etc.
3:15pm A foot massage was scheduled last week.
i will spend the night in the hospital for observation. (hopefully bill will stay with me)
SATURDAY: flight to Cleveland leaves 1:30
Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls ... i've had a few good days where my head stopped pounding and I my stomach unknotted. but today is not one of them. do you know this about me? do you know that I've barely taken any drugs for over 10 years? i have had some bad reactions to drugs and have learned to treat my illnesses naturally. successfully, too. what is going to happen to my organs and immune system is unthinkable to me. can you get inside my skin on this? i am beside myself and am asking that if you are a person who prays to Jesus Christ, that you could life me up in the following ways:
1. no panic ... emotions 'at bay' ... God's peace
2. no trauma ... all procedures would go well
3. no unusual or allergic reactions to the chemo or 'port' or 'clip' ... (i mean 'ever'!). the regular side effects are bad enough ... let alone some strange reaction ... upsetting.
many people go thru this all over the world, every day, every hour! many are stoic. brave. just 'rising to the occassion'. facing it with maturity. i wish that was me. i am actually not afraid to die. but, i don't like people messing with me and hurting me, and putting poisons in me, though!!!! and acting like i shouldn't be disturbed!!!!
so there you have it. you can either write on this blog or use my email. either way is okay. some don't want to be so public with their responses. yep ... that's okay. i can retrieve the emails when i'm at home, and that's good too. well, i love you all and will write when i can. your prayers are a great comfort. i know you're not praying to the ceiling! i've lived too long to deny His power in my life.
diane
Sunday, January 4, 2009
For you nurses and medical people
I didn't want to get all technical. But some are asking. If you're not into the medical aspect I won't mind if you hit the 'x' button.
so the stupid tumor (yes .. i think all tumors are stupid ... have you caught on that my humor is a defense mechanism ... a mighty handy one, i think) is about 5 cm ... that's about 2.5 inches. pretty big. it has no business in there ... stupid tumor. it has not metasticized (has not gone to other organs or parts of the body). we are grateful. they are concerned that it is close to the chest wall. a lumpectomy would just about be a mastectomy. by getting 4 rounds of chemo first (each 3 weeks apart) ... they are thinking it will shrink it down so that 1) it would be easier to take out and wouldn't require a complete mastectomy. 2) that maybe i won't need surgery at all. that sounds ridiculous to me. i'm into 'ridiculous' prayers (i think God is too) ... so go ahead and pray that one if you feel so led. i support it all the way. lymph nodes are involved. 2-3 as they can tell now. the potential scenario is .... chemo then surgery then radiation then hormone therapy. maybe chemo afterwards too. the surgeon said that mine would be a typical surgery (which was really good news). strange what is considered 'good news' these days. what the surgeon (dr. ray ... pray for him) was telling me was that i didn't need 'the best of the best' of surgeons to take my case. he happens to be one of the best ... so i'm sticking with him. i will have a 'clip' put in where the tumor is so that as it shrinks they will be able to locate it easily. can't wait for that appointment. the 'port' goes in my upper left chest on friday morning. very excited about that, too. all the sarcasm means 'PRAY'!
chemo: Docetaxel (Taxotere) and Carboplatin
This is all from my memory of discussions. I hope i got it all right. i want to be able to handle all of this like a good girl. i want to be able to relax and trust in my heavenly Father. not doing too well right now with all that. oh, for my faith to show itself real in these experiences! that's what i want. all i know is that i'm very human ... more than most (lol) and i'm bringing you along for the ride! Jesus was 'human' when he sweat drops of blood in the 'garden of gethsemene' before they took Him to the cross. He was overcome with anxiety. if it's okay for Him, i'm guessing it's okay for me. but it would be nice to be able to relax a little. i covet your prayers. and look forward to a time when i can report a victory in this area.
p.s. oncologist said i'd lose my hair in 2 weeks. i already have a wig ... there's an interesting story behind that statement. the fingerprints of God can been seen in that story. maybe i'll tell you one day soon. i can't give away all my interesting stories at one time. thanks for letting me express myself creatively and in a real manner... sarcasm and all. it helps me alot.
i love you dearly.
diane
so the stupid tumor (yes .. i think all tumors are stupid ... have you caught on that my humor is a defense mechanism ... a mighty handy one, i think) is about 5 cm ... that's about 2.5 inches. pretty big. it has no business in there ... stupid tumor. it has not metasticized (has not gone to other organs or parts of the body). we are grateful. they are concerned that it is close to the chest wall. a lumpectomy would just about be a mastectomy. by getting 4 rounds of chemo first (each 3 weeks apart) ... they are thinking it will shrink it down so that 1) it would be easier to take out and wouldn't require a complete mastectomy. 2) that maybe i won't need surgery at all. that sounds ridiculous to me. i'm into 'ridiculous' prayers (i think God is too) ... so go ahead and pray that one if you feel so led. i support it all the way. lymph nodes are involved. 2-3 as they can tell now. the potential scenario is .... chemo then surgery then radiation then hormone therapy. maybe chemo afterwards too. the surgeon said that mine would be a typical surgery (which was really good news). strange what is considered 'good news' these days. what the surgeon (dr. ray ... pray for him) was telling me was that i didn't need 'the best of the best' of surgeons to take my case. he happens to be one of the best ... so i'm sticking with him. i will have a 'clip' put in where the tumor is so that as it shrinks they will be able to locate it easily. can't wait for that appointment. the 'port' goes in my upper left chest on friday morning. very excited about that, too. all the sarcasm means 'PRAY'!
chemo: Docetaxel (Taxotere) and Carboplatin
This is all from my memory of discussions. I hope i got it all right. i want to be able to handle all of this like a good girl. i want to be able to relax and trust in my heavenly Father. not doing too well right now with all that. oh, for my faith to show itself real in these experiences! that's what i want. all i know is that i'm very human ... more than most (lol) and i'm bringing you along for the ride! Jesus was 'human' when he sweat drops of blood in the 'garden of gethsemene' before they took Him to the cross. He was overcome with anxiety. if it's okay for Him, i'm guessing it's okay for me. but it would be nice to be able to relax a little. i covet your prayers. and look forward to a time when i can report a victory in this area.
p.s. oncologist said i'd lose my hair in 2 weeks. i already have a wig ... there's an interesting story behind that statement. the fingerprints of God can been seen in that story. maybe i'll tell you one day soon. i can't give away all my interesting stories at one time. thanks for letting me express myself creatively and in a real manner... sarcasm and all. it helps me alot.
i love you dearly.
diane
Friday, January 2, 2009
Coming Home on Saturday, Jan 3
I didn't run .... (the flights to Fiji were booked).
Coming back next Friday, Jan 9 to CTCA for a 'port' to be put in in the early morning, and chemo to be administered in the afternoon via 'the port'. I'll come here for one round of chemo (3-4 hours) every three weeks. I'll get chemo 4 times and then be reevaluated ... mri !!!!
i got a massage today. i already booked another one next friday. a foot massage during chemo.
Good nite sleep tight ... and God bless you. If you are praying ... I thank you with all my heart.
Love, Diane
Coming back next Friday, Jan 9 to CTCA for a 'port' to be put in in the early morning, and chemo to be administered in the afternoon via 'the port'. I'll come here for one round of chemo (3-4 hours) every three weeks. I'll get chemo 4 times and then be reevaluated ... mri !!!!
i got a massage today. i already booked another one next friday. a foot massage during chemo.
Good nite sleep tight ... and God bless you. If you are praying ... I thank you with all my heart.
Love, Diane
"Lord Jesus, thank you for the 'Body of Christ'. Thank you for each and every person who is reading this. I pray that You would give them the 'desires of their hearts' and fill them with joy. Your joy. You are a good and compassionate
God." Amen.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
New Year's Day in Chicago
"When we become aware that we do not have to escape our pains ... those very pains are transformed from expressions of despair to signs of hope."
by Henri Nouwen
I'm not there yet. Want to run. Having a hard time thinking about the decisions I will have to make tomorrow as they suggest my options. Am sore from testing yesterday. This is all getting a little too real for me. Discouraged.
"Oh Lord, You have searched me and You know me. You know when I sit and
And before a word is on my tongue (blog), You know it completely, o Lord." Psalm 139
when I rise. You perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern between
my going out and my lying down. You are familiar with all my ways.
God isn't the least bit afraid of my honesty. Hope you're not either. With much appreciation to you for taking the time to read this blog :)
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