FORGING AHEAD

I spent the last 2 weeks communicating with my oncologist. Unless God moves his jaw ... I'm forging ahead toward THE LAST .... THE FINAL CHEMO!!!!!!!!! Don't congratulate me yet!!!! I have a big mountain to climb to get over the effects of this LAST CHEMO!!!!!! Did I tell you this was my LAST CHEMO????!!!!!

Fly to Chicago Thursday night (June 25)
Appointments all Day Friday (June 26) ... Chemo 1:00 - 5:00
Fly Home Friday night (I'm outta there!!!!)

I usually feel absolutely fine the day of chemo and the day after. So if I'm gonna feel good ... I want to be home!!!!!!! So I'll get out of that chair and head to the airport!

I'm signed up for acupuncture before chemo this time. Hmmmmm .... anything to try to make it better! Interesting huh? This is a very cool hospital.

Anyhow ... remember how I prayed at the beginning of this that God would not let my insides be singed (isn't it spelled cinged?) by the fire of the chemo? That my organs would be protected? You remember ... like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in the Old Testament ... they did not get burned by the firey furnace. Well, I'm praying that again. "Lord, protect my body in an uncanny way"

I'm actually not yet recuperated from the last chemo (3 weeks ago). The stupid candida is a huge problem. So ..... if you pray, I'm asking for prayer for physical protection (Shadrach :) ... and as we all know ... my companion, fear. I'd like to lose that guy forever! What I'm looking for is spiritual victory. To me that means ... being able to keep my focus on the goodness of God (instead of shaking my fist) ... and being Thankful (I bet YOU wish I was thankful, too) ... and letting Him fill me with hope even as I suffer in my body (but wouldn't it be nice if my chemo experience wasn't so bad this time?) I try so hard to take care of my body ... and then WHAM! they go and just about kill my immune system every time!!!!!! Ahhhhhh!

I want to be good little girl-soldier for Christ. I don't want to waste my sufferings. I want to grow!!!!! I want to rest in Him. Worship Him. Well, I think that just about covers it. Let's see what the future holds. He cares for YOU ... and He cares for me. And hope is always appropriate. :)

COURAGE is ... endurance for one moment more

I'm very courageous! Are you?

DARK NIGHT

I had a rotten experience with the most recent chemo (june 3). I found it devastating physically, emotionally and spiritually. It was a dark experience ... marked with despair, lonliness, fear and isolation ... as well as physical pain and exhaustion. I sent a note on June 15 to my oncologist asking if he could possibly "release me from the last chemo treatment on June 25 in good conscience". I cannot imagine even one more treatment. It might seem so easy to say "it's your last one ... you can do it!" .... but you just don't understand. I have cried my way thru this last treatment. Anyhow, I am praying for Dr. Dennis Citrin. He is a traditional Jewish man who does not respect Christians because they rely on prayer. Lord ... speak thru Dr. Citrin. .... I guess I just continue to pray beyond the normal boundaries. Funny that I haven't given up.

MORE CHEMO ... MORE OF GOD!!!!

hi my dear friends:

sooooooooo .... we flew to chicago (cancer treatment ctrs of america) and met with the oncologist (the big guy). he said my glasses were the color of bile. what's with this guy?????? he thought it was hysterical. was this oncologist humor of some type?? but anyhow ... he gets giddy like a little girl when he talks about my progress. a while back he said "you are the classic success case of having had the chemo before surgery to shrink the tumor". this time he looked at me and said "if you continue with this treatment plan, i'm not talking about a remission for you ... i'm talking 'cure'. hmmmm. big words from a man who's worked with thousands of breast cancer patients. but out of the same mouth came .... "you will need two more rounds of chemo". i nearly knocked him down. i had to restrain myself. but since i had taken an ativan (you know, a pill to calm my nerves) i was able to act very civilized. bill was quite impressed.

well, anyhow ...needless to say, we didn't fly home that night .... but instead i sat in that dreaded chemo infusion chair for 4 hours from 6pm-10pm that night. i was the last one there!!!!!

so much prayer had gone into this. and The Lord has brought me so far in this journey in terms of faith (faith in Him, not faith in my being able to get out of chemo). i had wrestled with God over this for nearly a month. by the time i got to chicago i just had to rest in Him, and take it like a big girl.

in 3 weeks we will return for my last chemo treatment. then 4 weeks after that ... MY PORT COMES OUT!!!!! get that thing out of me!!!!

after that (probably early august) i will start daily radiation treatments for like 5 weeks (here in cleveland somewhere).

all of this cancer treatment just plain stinks. it's crazy. the whole thing is nuts. this pain is intense and is lasting wayyyyy tooo long. i go from one trauma to the next. one pain to the next. BUT HE has made it real in my heart that He will "never leave me nor forsake me". i would rather do this all natural... all alternative. but He is clearly guiding me down this toxic path. go figure. if He's willing to lead me ... then i'm willing to follow. and lead He has! He's a mystery ... that's for sure.

hey! i didn't need an ativan for either flight!!!! "if we crash He will be with me ... He promised" .... "i refuse to strive for His peace ... I will just rest and let Him find me ... I cannot go looking for Him" those were my thoughts. it was awesome!!!! just ask bill, if you don't believe me.

okay ... so that's that. i am really hoping and praying that i would not get radically and disgustingly and hopelessly sick this time. my really bad days would usually start on friday and go all the way to thursday. i will always ask for Him to have mercy on me. i will not give up on prayer. i will not give up on Him! He is too dear and near and true for me to do that. He tells me to cry out to Him ... and so I will. will you? for your own self ... or on my behalf ... or both? we should never be characterized by giving up ... especially on God. i have pockets of giving up. you probably do too. don't even talk to me next week ... i might be in one of those pockets. lucky for you ... i only write when i'm in a good 'spot' .... or almost in a good 'spot'.

i love you and thank God for you.

diane

p.s. we are becoming more and more enamored with CTCA ... what an awesome place!