CANCER IS A GREAT TEACHER

It's been over a year and a half since my last 'treatment'.  I am on a daily pill (5 years) to hold back the estrogen ... and I'm not liking the side effect of WEIGHT GAIN.   FAT.    It's wild.  If I ate this way 4 years ago, I would've been steadily and quickly losing weight.  But nothing.  Nada. 

Well anyhow, enough complaining.  I seem to be the queen of complaining.  But I'm getting better.  Cancer is a great teacher.  But really  ...  I think it's better stated like this "Cancer TREATMENTS are great teachers'.  They are brutal.

I feel like a nearly completely new person most of the time.

Here's my musings on perhaps what I have learned from my trip to the 'land of cancer' ... what I've learned and how I think I've changed ...

1.  Don't even ask me to explain this ... but even though I really didn't have much, if any, PEACE during my treatments (I'd be bold enough to say I was traumatized the entire time) ... the experience some how really solidified the fact that Jesus loves me.  Go figure.  I now know that I know that I know that I am Christ's and He is mine.  I never really doubted my salvation.  But the place I'm in now is really awesome .... I AM HIS DAUGHTER .... He proved it to me in the midst of suffering ... in the midst of unchanging pain and trauma.  Go figure ... I can't explain it .... but it's true.  Beautifully true.

2.  Don't even try to scare me ... because "GOD WILL NEVER LEAVE ME OR FORSAKE ME.  HE IS WITH ME".  So there!

3.  In some ways I am really FREE!   I have stepped out and done some things that terrified me in the past.  God has opened a door for me to work with some 8th grade girls.  And though I've done this in the past ... it was HARD and it left me exhausted and defeated.  This is a new day ... and I am thriving in this role.  GOD.

4.  When I was first diagnosed, I told God that "if I get thru this, I want to sing".  I wasn't bargaining with Him or anything.  I had been so full of anxiety for the last 10 years, that I barely sang.  I was born to sing.  I was born to proclaim the good news thru song.  But I couldn't.  Well .... this is my Jesus:   Near the end of my radiation treatments (the last leg of cancer treatments) ... I got a call from someone who didn't even know me.  She had never heard me sing.  But someone told her to call me.  Because of that phone call ... I ended up singing for 500 women for two consecutive nights!!!!  And the merciful part of it was that I didn't have to sing a solo ... but God let me sing with 3 other women!  He eased me back into the spotlight.  I sang with total joy and freedom.  And I hardly had any hair!!!!!!

5.  I've been moving from singing engagement to singing engagement ever since!  With joy ....(and a few times all by myself ... those were a little more difficult ... but I still rejoice!)

6.  I have never been able to forgive.  I never knew what it really 'looked like' to forgive.  Now ... I am filled with a growing 'grace' towards people.  It's very new for me.  I like it.  It's not easy ... but it's easier than harboring resentment.  Hooray!

7.  The anxiety that has held me captive for years (and got REALLY out of control during and after treatments) is dissapating.  Is this the abundant life that Christ talks about????  It seems like it.  I am not so scared of my own shadow anymore!

8.  I am learning to love.  "Learning" is the key word ....

9.  I have a job now!  My first job in 16 years.  I'm the church secretary for Calvary Reformed Church, in the inner city of Cleveland.  For the first time in my life, I am "working as unto the Lord".  It's only 6-10 hours a week ... but it's just what the doctor ordered. 

10.  His Word is real to me.  I am trying to 'study to show myself approved'.  I want to know WHY I believe what I believe.  I need to back it up with scripture.

Cancer ... a great teacher ... a great transformer (if you let it be).  Do I want to go to that 'school' again ... NO.  I am not painting that kind of picture at all.  I ask for His mercy all the time.  I have a "little baby" anxiety attack every day about it all .... but it goes away.  Once you have cancer treatments, you NEVER forget it. 

The big question I ask myself daily is "Would I get chemo again if  'it' comes back"?    Daily I answer myself  with "no".  I am not afraid to die.  I am not afraid to meet my Jesus.  I am afraid of the slow torture that chemo offers.  I like to look at it like this ... "I would not be 'giving up' ... but rather, I would be throwing myself and my life onto Christ .... letting Him decide.   Not giving up ... but handing the reigns of my life over to the One who made me.  I don't want to hold onto this life so desperately.  I know that this life is to be cherished.  It's not to be discarded so quickly.   But God knows my life from beginning to end.  I love Him for it.  I want to trust Him with my life ... not give it away ... but trust HIM with it.  Did you expect me to be any less "deep" than I have been throughout this whole blog?  Nope ... I run deep.  And Christ runs with me. 

RE-BORN

Without the threat of impending 'procedures' or bad news WE ARE ENJOYING LIFE!  We are loving our humungous back yard.  Loving having people over.... plus the Youth Group on Sunday nights ... that's the best!  Loving the sunshine.  Loving the front yard.  Loving the flowers like crazy.  Loving our vegetable garden.  Loving everything.  Tomorrow has enough worries of it's own.  Today, we are loving LIFE!

ALL CLEAR!!!!!!

Bill and I spent a jam-packed day at 'Cancer Treatments Centers of America' in Chicago on Monday, May 24.   We went there very sobered, and prepared for anything.  You see ... I had a scan done here at home before we left, and it gave us a cause for concern.  But after arriving at the awesome and wonderful place called CTCA ... and after they poked me way too many times (because my veins will not cooperate) ... and scanned me way too many times .... my oncologist gave me good news.  They didn't find anything!  They found no cause for concern!  And he also thinks I have a bright future ahead of me!!!!    I'll take it!

God is good no matter what.  I will praise Him in life and in death.  So all is well no matter what. But we are relieved and grateful to be praising Him on this side of suffering.  WAHOOOEY!

Psalm 18:10  The name of the Lord is a strong tower.  The righteous run to it and are safe.

HAIR, ETC.

Tomorrow I'm getting my first real-live hair cut at a salon in over 1 1/2 years!  My hair is so curly!  I like it!

My bones ache from the Tamoxifen.  And I've gained a lovely 20 pounds.  I think it's Tamoxifen plus the instant menopause (caused by the chemo). 

My arm is still killing me (surgery and mostly radiation).

But I am cheerful ... hopeful ... energetic.  That is truly a gift. 

I am also sleeping fairly well.  Am no longer depressed.  And have basically have no need to take anxiety meds.  This is due to my awesome Naturopath at CTCA.  I'm on some natural supplements that have totally helped!

Life is leveling itself out.  I go to Chicago for my first follow-up appointment on May 24.  I know how one doctor appointment can change your life.  Hmmmmm.  All I know is that I have today.  And that's good enough.  I'm alot braver than I was before cancer came to visit me.  And I'm alot calmer.  Still crazy-hyper sometimes .... but alot calmer most of the time.

Jesus ... please continue to cultivate gratefulness in my heart and mind.  And please allow us to relax more and more every day.  Please give us great healthy bodies, so that we can serve You and enjoy you and the people around us.  Amen.

I LIKE IT

I kind of like this little 'spot' ... this 'blogspot' that has my name on it.  Somehow it makes me feel safe and comfortable.  It's a familiar place for me to come to.  And I don't even need to say much.  Because it's my spot.  I like it.

It's a beautiful, yet brisk day where I live.  I had a good, long conversation today over a cup of tea with a friend.  I came home and made homemade carrot/spinach juice for Andrew and Bill and me.  Now I'm making a "real"  meal for my "boys" (someone told me once that I should  not call them my "boys" ... i should call them my "men").  I don't know, I just think it's more cozy to call them my boys.  They are out in the backyard doing productive man-like things.  I like that.  And because I've shared my heart today with a good friend already today, somehow I don't mind spending lots of time in the kitchen making a good meal or two.  Peaceful.  Content.  Wish every day could hold my heart in it's hand like this.

1 Thessalonians 4:11 says ....

"Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands."  


P.S.  The meal burned as I sat here and typed this blog.  Now that's .... real life.  It's still edible (at least most of it).

HEALING

Healing can't be rushed ....

I'm almost on the road to victory.  I'm not on the road yet.  But I can see it in the future.  I can taste it.  I don't know what it means.  I don't have a definition of it.  I just know I was born to do something big.  Maybe not big to anyone but God. 

 "God created in advance, good works for me to do."  (Ephesians 2:10) 

But healing can't be rushed.  There's a time for everything.  May pain and suffering complete it's good work in me.  (Isaiah 45:3)

Show me, Lord.  You know my heart's desire ...

IT HAS BEEN SAID .....

I once heard James Dobson of Focus on the Family say ....

 "Women are very strong.  A woman can get through anything.    But when it's over ... she collapses."

I concur ....

Signed,

A Woman :)